June 10... Today was supposed to be the day.....

It's been a busy past few days and I don't have my thoughts so well organized, but I wanted to post an update and some pics. I am committed to this blog and want to keep it up the best I can.

We had Jojo's dance recitals yesterday... and before those a late morning soccer game - last one of the season so Jojo didn't want to miss it.  Lucy started summer school a couple days ago and I've had to help her with her reading because the district did not get the text book on audio....so over all just a crazy busy start to summer break. Crazy busy but wonderful having the girls home with me.

This morning we followed through on our plans to continue working on Zack's clearing.  We cut away a lot of the scrappy looking trees and raked the leaves... cleaned up a nice size area.  Then we schlepped and hauled about 25 bags of mulch down the path.. dumped and spread that.  Bringing it down was nothing - even though it was heavy... it's going back UP that steep hilly path that's the killer.  I dug up some Hostas from around our yard - we have tons of overgrown huge hardy ones - and planted them in the clearing. We got a work out this morning. It was tough because the temps were closing in on 90 degrees.  We told ourselves we'd put in a few hours work and then reward ourselves with a nice afternoon swim.  We suffered for a couple hours...but then fate stepped in...  my husband's chainsaw died... and we did not have enough mulch...so we cut our work a little short, but still felt like we got a lot accomplished in the time we had and with the supplies we had.  He'll buy another 40 to 50 bags this week and we'll keep on going. 

I planted a little arc of Hostas around where Zack's ashes are buried.  It was a little disconcerting sticking that shovel back in the ground right there.  I remembered the large dark hole my husband dug last fall.  I tried to just avoid that thought and keep doing what needed to be done.  My mantra has been "God, please help me be happy and strong". Telling that to myself (and God) has become a habit when my mind takes me down a dark road...and I believe it's helping. I had to fill in mulch around the base of the plants... and put mulch over Zack.  Made me a little uneasy doing that but now that it's done it looks so much better than just the dark dirt.   The girls want to keep the peace sign that our friend bought for Zack right there with him.   I still have not ordered that grave marker thing....but with the way we are going, getting the area looking nice and neat, it may motivate me to make that call.  I can feel I'm getting closer to being able to place that call.

We have not yet had our little "celebration" of Zack's life.  Today was going to be THE DAY.  We mentioned our plans to friends and wanted them to keep this date saved. Lucy and I bought a scrapbook and started making pages for a book of Zack... We bought software so she could make a powerpoint of Zack.  Lucy and I chose lovely invitations to mail out to our dearest friends but we just couldn't force ourselves to have them printed with the date.  As time wore on I decided to own up to  the reality that we are just not quite there yet with this "celebration" thing.  I'm not ready to slap a smile on and act like it's all OK.... or that his death is even kind of semi OK because he had a good life yada yada... none of the situation is quite near any type of OK with me yet.  I'd be running the show, so we will wait a little longer on the "celebration".   I don't have feelings of "celebration" in my heart.  Not sure I ever will...but hopefully sometime in the future the special memories will lift me up and I can at least act like the short life Zack had is something to celebrate.  I know...sounds bitter.   He was such a beautiful spirit... when I think of him as gone the finality is really so abstract. Too much to fathom.  Today I realized as I sat on the dirt covering his ashes...dug holes for plants to grow near him,  put mulch over him...that's all I have of him now... a dark green marble box in the ground.  I know it, but I just don't understand it.

My beautiful ballerina

I love summer

Wiped out helpers

 

Zack

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."  Mark Twain... Hmmm.... Zack could make us laugh about anything... except his dying.





 

June 5...School is over for the summer

I didn't wind up sucking it up and calling and placing the order for the granite site marker.  I hope to do it by the end of the week.  I need to work myself up to it.  Once it's taken care of it will be a load off but getting the nerve to call is an issue.  I'm not sure how I'll act on the phone...will I be able to be natural like I'm placing an order for a pizza? Or will I choke up like my son died?  Depends on my mood of the day I suppose.

Today was a good day.  Jojo had a couple hours of school and then some friends over.  The weather was fantastic and the girls swam all day.  We had pizza outside on the deck at lunch time, the hours passed under the blue skies.... they are just getting dried off now at 745pm and we ordered Chinese food for dinner.  I kept occupied with getting food, drinks, and beach towels, sitting in the sun listening to Disney World podcasts, and having fun with Penny.  She loves the kids around and all the action and attention.... she enjoyed swimming and playing fetch.  It was a good fun take my mind off my burdens day.  With the end of school I can look forward to many more of those!

I don't have a lot of time to write tonight, but I wanted to post something.  If nothing else but to say how my moods swing daily...today was decent.  No pity, no sorrow... a few twinges while sitting outside looking up at Zack's bedroom windows...which remain closed... because there's no way I am even stepping foot into his room.  I thought of last summer... us having fun outside... him sitting in his room...isolated or sleeping the days away.  I'd look up to his windows and wonder what he was doing to pass the day. Remembering makes me sad....but it was only brief sadness today.  I had a lot of happy girls here to pick me up.

One of my happy girls.....

Summer fun today

And in the past......

Looking at this makes me smile...and cry at the same time.  

Zack was such a nice kid.
I still cannot believe he's gone.

"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary"...Mark Twain

June 3.... Our Path....

We are finished with the path.  We cleared about 100 feet of brush and moved 4.5 tons of stones ... it's beautiful hilly and winding through the woods.  We're achy and blistery but proud and satisfied. My poor husband did most of the heavy work with three "girls" for assistants but he thanked us afterward and said he couldn't have done it without us.

I told Lucy I feel like this back breaking work is some sort of penance.  That shocked her.  She thought that was "gross" and wanted to know why... I told her because Zack died. I feel like we didn't take as good of care of him as we could have.... She said "We did the best we knew how."  True... and just hearing it so calmly come from her helped assuage my guilt.

After we completed the work today, the four of us sat in the little clearing where Zack's ashes are buried and talked about our plans for that area.  I told them what I was thinking for a marker.  It will be 18X18 granite square - I can choose which color granite... with a bronze plaque and inscription...we easily agreed on the maple leaf trim and simple is better.  The girls didn't like my ideas for wording.  That was fine...part of why I put off ordering it was because I didn't really, either.  They wanted something more personal... as did I. We all bounced ideas off each other and had some fun remembering things about Zack and coming up with silly phrases we could put on the plaque....it was a productive talk for many reasons. We decided on "Beloved son and devoted big brother" and beneath that the girls want "Above us yet with us always".

So I feel such a relief that I will get this ordered and the plans for the mystical magical area where Zack is laid to rest are coming along. I think the simple fact that we are moving forward has taken a load of weight off of me..or it could just be a trick and my mood today...but I'll take it gladly.

Next weekend we plan to start clearing the scrub brush, rake the leaves, cut the scrappy trees, and define the perimeter of the area Zack is buried in.  We want a nice clean slate to begin filling with our ideas.  And we have some good ones!  I love that the girls are giving my husband and myself their input and ideas.  This will be something special the four of us build together for Zack.

Tomorrow I will  put on a brave face, suck it up, and call to order the marker... or whatever it's called.

 Our Path

We had a lot of laughs working together creating this

 

Team Work

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 

'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' 

There is death. And whatever is matters.

 And whatever happens has consequences, 

and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. 

You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."
- C.S. Lewis - This seemed appropriate today as we considered ideas for Zack's headstone...we didn't want anything that sounded like "It's ok you died...we will see you again soon"  It's not OK he died....and honestly we don't KNOW if we will see him again. It's the separation that is so painful.

June 2....

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis ......And I don't know exactly what he means...but I have an idea.... 


Today we have a family project.  Right now as I'm sitting here quickly typing this, a five ton load of pea gravel is being dumped in the back, at the edge of our woods.  I'm afraid to look and see what five tons of gravel looks like...daunting.... We will be moving it into the woods... making the path to Zack more defined and permanent.  A bonding (back breaking) family project nobody was looking forward to...but it needs to be done and I think and hope by doing this it will bring me some closure.  It's a gorgeous, sunny blue sky day.  Perfect for soothing the soul with hard work.  The girls are moaning...but they'll come around.  We are on the same page and want Zack's place peaceful and spiritual... like he was.

 I seem to be the last hold out as far as coming to terms with our loss.   My family is getting frustrated with me and my blues and blahs.  And honestly I'm confused and frustrated by their almost easy acceptance of what happened.  Everybody handles grief differently... and maybe it's because I found him... I'm his mom... I took him to all the appointments....Zack was so not Zack due to his disease... I don't know what or why...but I'm still the mess while they've moved forward and have come to terms. Or appear to.

We have not ordered a grave marker yet..or a headstone.  I am almost sure I know what I want. Nobody else has looked with me or given input so its going to be my choice alone I guess.  It will be a simple pretty granite square with a bronze plaque engraved with Zack's full name and dates..trimmed with maple leaves....and then I am THINKING... "Beloved Brother and Son" below his name....but that is so over used... so I'm not sure.. but I like also, "In God's arms forever. In our hearts always."  Maybe I'll use both.  Like almost everything else in my life I am commitment phobic about this. And the importance of this decision has left me stagnant.  So many choices... size, bronze and granite...just granite... just bronze.... they can do so many different engravings of pictures representing interests and hobbies...but nothing really stands out to me.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but I cannot find the right picture to express those words.  I keep waiting for something to jump into my mind or heart that clearly illustrates who Zack was and conveys his worth and the depth of our loss...but that hasn't happened in all this time.  I don't think that picture exists.

Last month my husband and I were at our local garden center and we both saw something that stood out to us that reminded us of our Zack.  It hit us... and the way we both were drawn to it felt like Zack had a hand in showing us what he wants.  With spring here, I had been on the prowl for weeks prior, looking for statuary somethings to go back there with him.  Many beautiful angels and saints... but we chose a three foot magical wizard and two elves.  Zack loved mystical things.  Right about the same time, the girls found a wind chime with a sweet heavenly sound that will hang from a tree over Zack.  I have a few other ideas...but the path has to come first.... so off I go to round up the gang and start that labor. 

Forest friends will keep watch over our boy

This is the last photo I have of Zack.  Christmas morning December 2010

It's true...you can never have enough photos.  I'm so regretful I did not take more of Zack.

 I had ten months of 2011 with him...and I just didn't think to do it.  

Saturday December 24

Christmas Eve day....2011

I have so much to do.  I've procrastinated everything.

I put off writing in the blog for a while now because I was feeling better about things.... I thought.  It seems I just didn't want to dredge the bad stuff back up... more like avoiding I guess..but with the approach of Christmas those feelings seeped back up no matter how I tried to ignore them or hold them down.  They're here.  I can't even express them for fear of exploring them in depth....I feel stuck.  Stuck between a faux better and the re-occurrence of these uncomfortable sorrowful emotions I thought I'd worked through and left behind me that will be a terrible reminder of how this Christmas will be different from last year's.

The four of us went on our fantastic Thanksgiving Disney vacation.  I was concerned that it would be a waste...we'd get there, be sad and gloomy and wish we were home....but it wasn't that way at all.  We laughed from the moment we left the house.  It was the escape I hoped for.

 Precious Christmas Memories....

June 1, 2012......Grief.... my constant companion....

I haven't given this blog much thought in the past  -WOW..over 6 months....I've been giving a lot of thought to my misery, though.  I didn't want to come on here and show myself as a pathetic mess, feeling so sorry for myself...figured I'd skip that possible humiliation....but I need to drag myself out of this.  DRAG is the exact and appropriate word.  Kicking and screaming because this grief feels like such a perfect fit right now.  It's grown in me and I've grown used to it hanging around.  It's my pal... my imaginary evil friend haha.  It's always keeping me company... especially when I'm not occupied.  And let me tell you...it's very difficult to occupy myself when I'm feeling so miserable.... it's a nasty vicious cycle.  My mind is overactive, filled with unwanted messy memories and images... I haven't been able to read for fun since.... probably last fall before Zack passed away.  I keep starting historical fiction books - which I love - only to find my mind wondering. Concentration just is not there anywhere to be found... I cannot focus... but I have my buddy Grief sitting there ready to fill my head with junk.

Last weekend I read two books on grief.  My sweet thoughtful friends ordered them from Amazon to be delivered to my house... they showed up unexpectedly.. Two books I kept saying I was going to run over to Barnes and Noble and purchase for myself... but I couldn't force myself to go and browse the grief bookshelf.  I pictured myself standing there in an overwhelmed fog or embarrassing myself while perusing through book after book, searching for the perfect choices... while crying.  

The first book I read touched me deeply... I am choking up remembering how I felt, sitting outside on my deck, under the blue sky..the trees guarding Zack rustling in the wind....me.. holding that book, taking breaks to catch my breath, wipe my tears, and refocus..and struggling through the emotions reading that book brought to me.. well not to me - but dredged up in me, I guess.  Junk I had jammed way down..put off dealing with because I have plenty of surface garbage I'm coping with..the junk was there waiting to be called to attention and dealt with.  I actually had a panic attack while reading that book.... but I WAS able to read it.. I focused, it was easy relateable reading for me.  Almost like I was reliving my own life through someone else's eyes.  The book was "Life After the Death of My Son - What I'm Learning" by Dennis Apple.   I finished that book in hours...it was a page turner for me that left me with a tight chest and a tingly adrenaline rush for a couple days afterward. The main thing I came away with learning from Dennis Apple's experience is that what I feel is not something so different than what other parents feel.  My imaginary buddy, Grief, has a lot of other pals he visits and keeps company. It felt "good" to discover I wasn't alone, dealing with the horrible feelings. And the grief time frame -it's been over seven months since Zack's death - is nothing I can rush.  I was feeling like a weak loser for not being able to get past this....but apparently I'm not a weak loser.  That was a positive realization, too.

The second book was "A New Normal - Learning to Live With Grief and Loss" - which did not really do anything for me.  I found it shallow and disappointing. The author skipped over including a section on loss of a child due to it being so uncommon and the feelings so different than other types of loss. (Thanks)  I found the first book helpful enough, however, that it motivated me to go to the library and blindly grab anything with "Loss", "Grief" or "Happy" in the title.  I have a stack of books to choose from now.   I just need to put my mind and energy into reading them...gather the courage to have those harsh unwelcome feelings resurface.  I kind of thought of my reliving the pain as vomiting..it was that uncomfortable... Vomiting is awful when it's happening but afterward you feel relief.  Disgusting, but true. 

I'm going to try and use this blog as my "recovery" journal.  I need to recover... writing is cathartic for me... and if I felt better realizing I wasn't alone with the grief and pain I am carrying maybe somebody out there that reads this will have that same epiphany... and take some comfort in the fact that they are miserable... but not without company.

 "Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief." - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 A Triumphant Trio... We will get past this sadness

Thursday November 17

Three weeks ago today.

Benedictus

Benediction....closing prayer.  

This music has been on my ipod for a couple years...I never stopped to listen to it once in all that time.  The other night I was in the kitchen, making the girls their lunches, had busy hands, and "Benedictus" came on my ipod...My thoughts were wondering and I allowed it to play through...peaceful and sad...it fit my mood and I was glad I had those sticky peanut butter hands that weren't able to be tempted into forwarding the music to something more upbeat.  I didn't even know the title...but I let it sooth my mind and remind me of Zack as I peeled apples and put chips into baggies.

The sorrowful music was the perfect accompaniment for my pensive thoughts and emotions...and as I listened to it I had flash images of Zack through the years.  His dark brown eyes, his smile, his thick dark wavy hair... goofing with his little sisters, laughing with his friends, making us laugh so hard at dinner, swimming and diving like a fish, Zack in the kitchen cooking some of his "specialties" for us  - the "toad in the hole" he learned how to make in middle school "life skills" class and his mega spicy pasta salad -  He also made the most fabulous pizza from scratch...and the girls agree nobody knew how to cook potstickers like Zack did.  I pictured him sitting at his computer, composing his techno music, gaming with his friends, getting dressed up for a date.....There was so much more to our Zack than the mentally ill one - the one still so prominent on the surface of my memory. 

Zack wrote me a poem years ago...titled  "I am"....it was a beautiful, simple poem describing who Zack was ...For years it sat framed on my desk.  The poem went mysteriously missing a while back.  Just suddenly gone.  That poem was special to me.  I remember my panic when I noticed it's disappearance.  I searched behind, under, in baskets, on shelves...no luck.  The "I am" poem was gone.  I always thought that was the strangest thing....I guess Zack didn't care for it or didn't want a reminder of who "he was".   I wish I had that poem....I cared for it...and I do want a reminder of who he was. 

Over the past three weeks I have had such vivid, crystal clear dreams of Zack when he was younger.  I don't usually remember my dreams but I do recall snatches of bits and pieces of my recent Zack dreams.  They seem so real.  The other night, the only thing I remembered of my Zack dreams was of years ago, when he had a short haircut - a fuzzy buzzy cut -  In my dream I rubbed his soft head.  

The four of us have come a long way over the past three weeks.  But we are definitely each dealing with the loss differently.   I guess that's a good thing.  We're not all sitting around depressed and crying.  Sometimes we laugh together..other times we are all quiet together, but we are getting through it together.... and on our own.

"Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows, which show like grief itself"
William Shakespeare

I saw that quote earlier today, printed on a brochure about coping with grief.  Now that is something to ponder.

To Be Continued....

My Peanuts 2003

Tuesday November 15

Well....I watched out my front bedroom window as the Salvation Army took away my son's bedroom furniture. It was a sad sight and I was pretty melancholy... that same window is where, for the past nine months, I used to spy on Zack sitting in his car smoking his days away and enjoying chats and laughs with his missing passenger.

My husband moved the furniture out of Zack's room and into the garage last night.  Over a week ago, he called to make the arrangements for the furniture to be donated.  I knew today was the day....last night I had second thoughts.   It seems so soon....but he pointed out that somebody else who needs it can use it.  Maybe getting rid of everything brings some sort of closure for him.  I haven't been in or peeked into Zack's room since October 27.  I really don't ever foresee myself going in there again.  Kind of peculiar maybe...but we don't need the space and I can't wrap my mind around feeling alright enough with what I saw that day to ever want to badly enough. I have to walk toward his room any time I head toward my own.  I evade even a glance at his closed door. 

My husband told me the only thing left in Zack's room is his gumball machine.  It's a huge one - the type in stores with large gumballs for a quarter, where the gumball swirls down and out.  They are all stale and hard now, though.  My father gave that gumball machine to Zack when he was about 8 years old.  Zack used to charge everybody for gumballs, save the quarters, and buy himself fun little boy stuff.  The girls and I laughed about that the other night.  He was always an entrepreneur, full of money making ideas....like the time he bought cases of  Monster at Costco, brought them to school, and sold cans at lunch and during passing periods in high school.  The kids would pay $5 and up for a can.  Then as business grew,  Zack "paid" friends with a can of Monster so they would carry cans through the hallways and sell, too.  He had a good thing going for a few weeks until a Dean called him into his office....the high school had a contract with Coke.  No other products allowed.  He nixed Zack's growing business...but Zack laughed about it because he could tell the Dean had a little amused grin about the whole thing.  I think there may have been some admiration there. 

I hope in a few years we aren't sorry we gave away almost all of Zack's belongings....I know some people leave the room the same, so I am a little hesitant about my husband's hasty decision.  The current room just didn't reflect our Zack to us, I guess.   It was the room of a dull mentally ill person.  Not the Zack we need to keep in our hearts.  I don't even know what he did with Zack's nice computer..or his ipod..I forgot to ask.  I'd like to save his ipod as it was..loaded with the music that was important to Zack.  I think it calmed or out-noised his scattered mind. 

We are still waiting for those toxicology reports....and a call from the county mental health board.  I cannot wait to write them a scathing letter.  I am itching to...and like the collection agency leaving me on hold, the longer I have to wait, the more prepared I am going to be to let it all out.   Some things I want to include are not only their disturbing failure to return my call... the EFFORT it always took to get a return call from "Family Services",  the fact that I mentioned twice to Abby my concerns with how sedated Zack was on the doubled meds.....and no doctor bothered to call me back until a week and a half later - a week after he died....the time TAPS wanted to kick Zack out after one week in their group...the times Dr M saw Zack without letting me know - despite the fact that they all considered him "severely mentally ill"....the way "Family Services" brushed us off to Pioneer Center's groups like they'd be our saving grace....and then Sandy from Pioneer gauged  Zack as  "not group appropriate"....and there was nothing they can do for him - go away and hope the medication works and then he can be reassessed....the sick comment by Sandy from Pioneer Center that if Zack is too big a burden for us at home I can always drop him off at a homeless shelter.  That disgusting comment makes me feel ill even now because sadly I am certain that some families do drop their mentally ill loved one off at a homeless shelter...they may have to because the burden IS too big....The way all the services in this county kept passing us around on some fruitless pointless quest for help....that doesn't exist.

Lucy is mad.  She is angry that her brother "was wronged".....she will never get to go on that promised road trip.  She told me Zack talked about wanting to take her, once she turned sixteen, and show her as much of the country as he could....because she is losing her sight.  He told her if he had money they would go to Europe and "do it big"....she was counting on that trip with her brother...and seeing those neat sights.   She was also counting on her kids having a fun uncle...Zack was fantastic with little kids.  Kids adored him....he would have been a wonderful uncle.  She is going to write an informative speech or a poem about mental illness and schizophrenia.  Awareness...that's what we need to promote....We all lived these past nine months in quiet shame because of the stigma of mental illness and the mistaken scary connotations that accompany with the creepy word "schizophrenia"...I still haven't figured out the best way to honor Zack's memory...but I have been praying on it...and I have faith that something will come to me.

Our Thanksgiving trip is still on hold.  Lucy's high school football team keeps winning....she wants to be there, part of the excitement if the team goes to state playoffs...so we wait until Saturday the 19th to either pack or rearrange our trip for possibly a Christmas getaway.  Jojo really wants to go to Disney World.  I want to make it happen for her.  We need to make new happy family memories.

Today was only my second day home alone.   Lucy has missed several days dealing with her grief.  Jojo missed a couple but she has been a trooper.  I think for Jojo it's important to keep busy.  I have noticed with myself that the only way to function is to keep myself occupied....almost avoid the depressing thoughts...but then I'm not sure if that's such a healing way to deal with the loss....the pain still comes to me in waves, though.  It manages to find a way to sneak in.   Yesterday I went shopping....As I browsed the Christmas things, it hit me that I'd be shopping to fill only two stockings this year....no search for the perfect flavored hot cocoas or hot sauces... no extra large bottle of Tabasco needed....Zack had his favorite candies, too.   The sadness seeps in little by little but it recedes, now, too.  

I still worry about the girls and how they are dealing with the loss of their brother.  I have such amazing friends in my life, texting me, calling me, messaging me daily, checking up on me.... just being there.... I don't think the girls have the same support.  Their friends don't know how to comfort them.  My husband doesn't talk to friends about the loss, either....

Well..this got interrupted...I took Jojo to dance.  Thankfully nobody was there to have to talk to.  The ladies that run the place were so sweet to me, though....had a card for us.  Said kind words.....

Tonight I was able to secure a fabulous rate on a cruise during our planned Thanksgiving trip dates.  I modified the WDW hotel reservation and added a four night sailing on the Disney Dream.  The girls were so disappointed that we had to cancel our October cruise due to Zack's illness....this availability was like a miracle.  They rarely have discounted travel agent rates on the Dream....I grabbed it, told Lucy her football (maybe) playoffs would have to happen without her.  We need fun.  We are going on our Thanksgiving getaway.

To Be Continued....

December 2006