June 10... Today was supposed to be the day.....

It's been a busy past few days and I don't have my thoughts so well organized, but I wanted to post an update and some pics. I am committed to this blog and want to keep it up the best I can.

We had Jojo's dance recitals yesterday... and before those a late morning soccer game - last one of the season so Jojo didn't want to miss it.  Lucy started summer school a couple days ago and I've had to help her with her reading because the district did not get the text book on audio....so over all just a crazy busy start to summer break. Crazy busy but wonderful having the girls home with me.

This morning we followed through on our plans to continue working on Zack's clearing.  We cut away a lot of the scrappy looking trees and raked the leaves... cleaned up a nice size area.  Then we schlepped and hauled about 25 bags of mulch down the path.. dumped and spread that.  Bringing it down was nothing - even though it was heavy... it's going back UP that steep hilly path that's the killer.  I dug up some Hostas from around our yard - we have tons of overgrown huge hardy ones - and planted them in the clearing. We got a work out this morning. It was tough because the temps were closing in on 90 degrees.  We told ourselves we'd put in a few hours work and then reward ourselves with a nice afternoon swim.  We suffered for a couple hours...but then fate stepped in...  my husband's chainsaw died... and we did not have enough mulch...so we cut our work a little short, but still felt like we got a lot accomplished in the time we had and with the supplies we had.  He'll buy another 40 to 50 bags this week and we'll keep on going. 

I planted a little arc of Hostas around where Zack's ashes are buried.  It was a little disconcerting sticking that shovel back in the ground right there.  I remembered the large dark hole my husband dug last fall.  I tried to just avoid that thought and keep doing what needed to be done.  My mantra has been "God, please help me be happy and strong". Telling that to myself (and God) has become a habit when my mind takes me down a dark road...and I believe it's helping. I had to fill in mulch around the base of the plants... and put mulch over Zack.  Made me a little uneasy doing that but now that it's done it looks so much better than just the dark dirt.   The girls want to keep the peace sign that our friend bought for Zack right there with him.   I still have not ordered that grave marker thing....but with the way we are going, getting the area looking nice and neat, it may motivate me to make that call.  I can feel I'm getting closer to being able to place that call.

We have not yet had our little "celebration" of Zack's life.  Today was going to be THE DAY.  We mentioned our plans to friends and wanted them to keep this date saved. Lucy and I bought a scrapbook and started making pages for a book of Zack... We bought software so she could make a powerpoint of Zack.  Lucy and I chose lovely invitations to mail out to our dearest friends but we just couldn't force ourselves to have them printed with the date.  As time wore on I decided to own up to  the reality that we are just not quite there yet with this "celebration" thing.  I'm not ready to slap a smile on and act like it's all OK.... or that his death is even kind of semi OK because he had a good life yada yada... none of the situation is quite near any type of OK with me yet.  I'd be running the show, so we will wait a little longer on the "celebration".   I don't have feelings of "celebration" in my heart.  Not sure I ever will...but hopefully sometime in the future the special memories will lift me up and I can at least act like the short life Zack had is something to celebrate.  I know...sounds bitter.   He was such a beautiful spirit... when I think of him as gone the finality is really so abstract. Too much to fathom.  Today I realized as I sat on the dirt covering his ashes...dug holes for plants to grow near him,  put mulch over him...that's all I have of him now... a dark green marble box in the ground.  I know it, but I just don't understand it.

My beautiful ballerina

I love summer

Wiped out helpers

 

Zack

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."  Mark Twain... Hmmm.... Zack could make us laugh about anything... except his dying.





 

June 5...School is over for the summer

I didn't wind up sucking it up and calling and placing the order for the granite site marker.  I hope to do it by the end of the week.  I need to work myself up to it.  Once it's taken care of it will be a load off but getting the nerve to call is an issue.  I'm not sure how I'll act on the phone...will I be able to be natural like I'm placing an order for a pizza? Or will I choke up like my son died?  Depends on my mood of the day I suppose.

Today was a good day.  Jojo had a couple hours of school and then some friends over.  The weather was fantastic and the girls swam all day.  We had pizza outside on the deck at lunch time, the hours passed under the blue skies.... they are just getting dried off now at 745pm and we ordered Chinese food for dinner.  I kept occupied with getting food, drinks, and beach towels, sitting in the sun listening to Disney World podcasts, and having fun with Penny.  She loves the kids around and all the action and attention.... she enjoyed swimming and playing fetch.  It was a good fun take my mind off my burdens day.  With the end of school I can look forward to many more of those!

I don't have a lot of time to write tonight, but I wanted to post something.  If nothing else but to say how my moods swing daily...today was decent.  No pity, no sorrow... a few twinges while sitting outside looking up at Zack's bedroom windows...which remain closed... because there's no way I am even stepping foot into his room.  I thought of last summer... us having fun outside... him sitting in his room...isolated or sleeping the days away.  I'd look up to his windows and wonder what he was doing to pass the day. Remembering makes me sad....but it was only brief sadness today.  I had a lot of happy girls here to pick me up.

One of my happy girls.....

Summer fun today

And in the past......

Looking at this makes me smile...and cry at the same time.  

Zack was such a nice kid.
I still cannot believe he's gone.

"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary"...Mark Twain

June 3.... Our Path....

We are finished with the path.  We cleared about 100 feet of brush and moved 4.5 tons of stones ... it's beautiful hilly and winding through the woods.  We're achy and blistery but proud and satisfied. My poor husband did most of the heavy work with three "girls" for assistants but he thanked us afterward and said he couldn't have done it without us.

I told Lucy I feel like this back breaking work is some sort of penance.  That shocked her.  She thought that was "gross" and wanted to know why... I told her because Zack died. I feel like we didn't take as good of care of him as we could have.... She said "We did the best we knew how."  True... and just hearing it so calmly come from her helped assuage my guilt.

After we completed the work today, the four of us sat in the little clearing where Zack's ashes are buried and talked about our plans for that area.  I told them what I was thinking for a marker.  It will be 18X18 granite square - I can choose which color granite... with a bronze plaque and inscription...we easily agreed on the maple leaf trim and simple is better.  The girls didn't like my ideas for wording.  That was fine...part of why I put off ordering it was because I didn't really, either.  They wanted something more personal... as did I. We all bounced ideas off each other and had some fun remembering things about Zack and coming up with silly phrases we could put on the plaque....it was a productive talk for many reasons. We decided on "Beloved son and devoted big brother" and beneath that the girls want "Above us yet with us always".

So I feel such a relief that I will get this ordered and the plans for the mystical magical area where Zack is laid to rest are coming along. I think the simple fact that we are moving forward has taken a load of weight off of me..or it could just be a trick and my mood today...but I'll take it gladly.

Next weekend we plan to start clearing the scrub brush, rake the leaves, cut the scrappy trees, and define the perimeter of the area Zack is buried in.  We want a nice clean slate to begin filling with our ideas.  And we have some good ones!  I love that the girls are giving my husband and myself their input and ideas.  This will be something special the four of us build together for Zack.

Tomorrow I will  put on a brave face, suck it up, and call to order the marker... or whatever it's called.

 Our Path

We had a lot of laughs working together creating this

 

Team Work

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 

'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' 

There is death. And whatever is matters.

 And whatever happens has consequences, 

and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. 

You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."
- C.S. Lewis - This seemed appropriate today as we considered ideas for Zack's headstone...we didn't want anything that sounded like "It's ok you died...we will see you again soon"  It's not OK he died....and honestly we don't KNOW if we will see him again. It's the separation that is so painful.

June 2....

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis ......And I don't know exactly what he means...but I have an idea.... 


Today we have a family project.  Right now as I'm sitting here quickly typing this, a five ton load of pea gravel is being dumped in the back, at the edge of our woods.  I'm afraid to look and see what five tons of gravel looks like...daunting.... We will be moving it into the woods... making the path to Zack more defined and permanent.  A bonding (back breaking) family project nobody was looking forward to...but it needs to be done and I think and hope by doing this it will bring me some closure.  It's a gorgeous, sunny blue sky day.  Perfect for soothing the soul with hard work.  The girls are moaning...but they'll come around.  We are on the same page and want Zack's place peaceful and spiritual... like he was.

 I seem to be the last hold out as far as coming to terms with our loss.   My family is getting frustrated with me and my blues and blahs.  And honestly I'm confused and frustrated by their almost easy acceptance of what happened.  Everybody handles grief differently... and maybe it's because I found him... I'm his mom... I took him to all the appointments....Zack was so not Zack due to his disease... I don't know what or why...but I'm still the mess while they've moved forward and have come to terms. Or appear to.

We have not ordered a grave marker yet..or a headstone.  I am almost sure I know what I want. Nobody else has looked with me or given input so its going to be my choice alone I guess.  It will be a simple pretty granite square with a bronze plaque engraved with Zack's full name and dates..trimmed with maple leaves....and then I am THINKING... "Beloved Brother and Son" below his name....but that is so over used... so I'm not sure.. but I like also, "In God's arms forever. In our hearts always."  Maybe I'll use both.  Like almost everything else in my life I am commitment phobic about this. And the importance of this decision has left me stagnant.  So many choices... size, bronze and granite...just granite... just bronze.... they can do so many different engravings of pictures representing interests and hobbies...but nothing really stands out to me.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but I cannot find the right picture to express those words.  I keep waiting for something to jump into my mind or heart that clearly illustrates who Zack was and conveys his worth and the depth of our loss...but that hasn't happened in all this time.  I don't think that picture exists.

Last month my husband and I were at our local garden center and we both saw something that stood out to us that reminded us of our Zack.  It hit us... and the way we both were drawn to it felt like Zack had a hand in showing us what he wants.  With spring here, I had been on the prowl for weeks prior, looking for statuary somethings to go back there with him.  Many beautiful angels and saints... but we chose a three foot magical wizard and two elves.  Zack loved mystical things.  Right about the same time, the girls found a wind chime with a sweet heavenly sound that will hang from a tree over Zack.  I have a few other ideas...but the path has to come first.... so off I go to round up the gang and start that labor. 

Forest friends will keep watch over our boy

This is the last photo I have of Zack.  Christmas morning December 2010

It's true...you can never have enough photos.  I'm so regretful I did not take more of Zack.

 I had ten months of 2011 with him...and I just didn't think to do it.  

Saturday December 24

Christmas Eve day....2011

I have so much to do.  I've procrastinated everything.

I put off writing in the blog for a while now because I was feeling better about things.... I thought.  It seems I just didn't want to dredge the bad stuff back up... more like avoiding I guess..but with the approach of Christmas those feelings seeped back up no matter how I tried to ignore them or hold them down.  They're here.  I can't even express them for fear of exploring them in depth....I feel stuck.  Stuck between a faux better and the re-occurrence of these uncomfortable sorrowful emotions I thought I'd worked through and left behind me that will be a terrible reminder of how this Christmas will be different from last year's.

The four of us went on our fantastic Thanksgiving Disney vacation.  I was concerned that it would be a waste...we'd get there, be sad and gloomy and wish we were home....but it wasn't that way at all.  We laughed from the moment we left the house.  It was the escape I hoped for.

 Precious Christmas Memories....

June 1, 2012......Grief.... my constant companion....

I haven't given this blog much thought in the past  -WOW..over 6 months....I've been giving a lot of thought to my misery, though.  I didn't want to come on here and show myself as a pathetic mess, feeling so sorry for myself...figured I'd skip that possible humiliation....but I need to drag myself out of this.  DRAG is the exact and appropriate word.  Kicking and screaming because this grief feels like such a perfect fit right now.  It's grown in me and I've grown used to it hanging around.  It's my pal... my imaginary evil friend haha.  It's always keeping me company... especially when I'm not occupied.  And let me tell you...it's very difficult to occupy myself when I'm feeling so miserable.... it's a nasty vicious cycle.  My mind is overactive, filled with unwanted messy memories and images... I haven't been able to read for fun since.... probably last fall before Zack passed away.  I keep starting historical fiction books - which I love - only to find my mind wondering. Concentration just is not there anywhere to be found... I cannot focus... but I have my buddy Grief sitting there ready to fill my head with junk.

Last weekend I read two books on grief.  My sweet thoughtful friends ordered them from Amazon to be delivered to my house... they showed up unexpectedly.. Two books I kept saying I was going to run over to Barnes and Noble and purchase for myself... but I couldn't force myself to go and browse the grief bookshelf.  I pictured myself standing there in an overwhelmed fog or embarrassing myself while perusing through book after book, searching for the perfect choices... while crying.  

The first book I read touched me deeply... I am choking up remembering how I felt, sitting outside on my deck, under the blue sky..the trees guarding Zack rustling in the wind....me.. holding that book, taking breaks to catch my breath, wipe my tears, and refocus..and struggling through the emotions reading that book brought to me.. well not to me - but dredged up in me, I guess.  Junk I had jammed way down..put off dealing with because I have plenty of surface garbage I'm coping with..the junk was there waiting to be called to attention and dealt with.  I actually had a panic attack while reading that book.... but I WAS able to read it.. I focused, it was easy relateable reading for me.  Almost like I was reliving my own life through someone else's eyes.  The book was "Life After the Death of My Son - What I'm Learning" by Dennis Apple.   I finished that book in hours...it was a page turner for me that left me with a tight chest and a tingly adrenaline rush for a couple days afterward. The main thing I came away with learning from Dennis Apple's experience is that what I feel is not something so different than what other parents feel.  My imaginary buddy, Grief, has a lot of other pals he visits and keeps company. It felt "good" to discover I wasn't alone, dealing with the horrible feelings. And the grief time frame -it's been over seven months since Zack's death - is nothing I can rush.  I was feeling like a weak loser for not being able to get past this....but apparently I'm not a weak loser.  That was a positive realization, too.

The second book was "A New Normal - Learning to Live With Grief and Loss" - which did not really do anything for me.  I found it shallow and disappointing. The author skipped over including a section on loss of a child due to it being so uncommon and the feelings so different than other types of loss. (Thanks)  I found the first book helpful enough, however, that it motivated me to go to the library and blindly grab anything with "Loss", "Grief" or "Happy" in the title.  I have a stack of books to choose from now.   I just need to put my mind and energy into reading them...gather the courage to have those harsh unwelcome feelings resurface.  I kind of thought of my reliving the pain as vomiting..it was that uncomfortable... Vomiting is awful when it's happening but afterward you feel relief.  Disgusting, but true. 

I'm going to try and use this blog as my "recovery" journal.  I need to recover... writing is cathartic for me... and if I felt better realizing I wasn't alone with the grief and pain I am carrying maybe somebody out there that reads this will have that same epiphany... and take some comfort in the fact that they are miserable... but not without company.

 "Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief." - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 A Triumphant Trio... We will get past this sadness