June 3.... Our Path....

We are finished with the path.  We cleared about 100 feet of brush and moved 4.5 tons of stones ... it's beautiful hilly and winding through the woods.  We're achy and blistery but proud and satisfied. My poor husband did most of the heavy work with three "girls" for assistants but he thanked us afterward and said he couldn't have done it without us.

I told Lucy I feel like this back breaking work is some sort of penance.  That shocked her.  She thought that was "gross" and wanted to know why... I told her because Zack died. I feel like we didn't take as good of care of him as we could have.... She said "We did the best we knew how."  True... and just hearing it so calmly come from her helped assuage my guilt.

After we completed the work today, the four of us sat in the little clearing where Zack's ashes are buried and talked about our plans for that area.  I told them what I was thinking for a marker.  It will be 18X18 granite square - I can choose which color granite... with a bronze plaque and inscription...we easily agreed on the maple leaf trim and simple is better.  The girls didn't like my ideas for wording.  That was fine...part of why I put off ordering it was because I didn't really, either.  They wanted something more personal... as did I. We all bounced ideas off each other and had some fun remembering things about Zack and coming up with silly phrases we could put on the plaque....it was a productive talk for many reasons. We decided on "Beloved son and devoted big brother" and beneath that the girls want "Above us yet with us always".

So I feel such a relief that I will get this ordered and the plans for the mystical magical area where Zack is laid to rest are coming along. I think the simple fact that we are moving forward has taken a load of weight off of me..or it could just be a trick and my mood today...but I'll take it gladly.

Next weekend we plan to start clearing the scrub brush, rake the leaves, cut the scrappy trees, and define the perimeter of the area Zack is buried in.  We want a nice clean slate to begin filling with our ideas.  And we have some good ones!  I love that the girls are giving my husband and myself their input and ideas.  This will be something special the four of us build together for Zack.

Tomorrow I will  put on a brave face, suck it up, and call to order the marker... or whatever it's called.

 Our Path

We had a lot of laughs working together creating this

 

Team Work

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 

'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' 

There is death. And whatever is matters.

 And whatever happens has consequences, 

and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. 

You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."
- C.S. Lewis - This seemed appropriate today as we considered ideas for Zack's headstone...we didn't want anything that sounded like "It's ok you died...we will see you again soon"  It's not OK he died....and honestly we don't KNOW if we will see him again. It's the separation that is so painful.