It's been a busy past few days and I don't have my thoughts so well organized, but I wanted to post an update and some pics. I am committed to this blog and want to keep it up the best I can.
We had Jojo's dance recitals yesterday... and before those a late morning soccer game - last one of the season so Jojo didn't want to miss it. Lucy started summer school a couple days ago and I've had to help her with her reading because the district did not get the text book on audio....so over all just a crazy busy start to summer break. Crazy busy but wonderful having the girls home with me.
This morning we followed through on our plans to continue working on Zack's clearing. We cut away a lot of the scrappy looking trees and raked the leaves... cleaned up a nice size area. Then we schlepped and hauled about 25 bags of mulch down the path.. dumped and spread that. Bringing it down was nothing - even though it was heavy... it's going back UP that steep hilly path that's the killer. I dug up some Hostas from around our yard - we have tons of overgrown huge hardy ones - and planted them in the clearing. We got a work out this morning. It was tough because the temps were closing in on 90 degrees. We told ourselves we'd put in a few hours work and then reward ourselves with a nice afternoon swim. We suffered for a couple hours...but then fate stepped in... my husband's chainsaw died... and we did not have enough mulch...so we cut our work a little short, but still felt like we got a lot accomplished in the time we had and with the supplies we had. He'll buy another 40 to 50 bags this week and we'll keep on going.
I planted a little arc of Hostas around where Zack's ashes are buried. It was a little disconcerting sticking that shovel back in the ground right there. I remembered the large dark hole my husband dug last fall. I tried to just avoid that thought and keep doing what needed to be done. My mantra has been "God, please help me be happy and strong". Telling that to myself (and God) has become a habit when my mind takes me down a dark road...and I believe it's helping. I had to fill in mulch around the base of the plants... and put mulch over Zack. Made me a little uneasy doing that but now that it's done it looks so much better than just the dark dirt. The girls want to keep the peace sign that our friend bought for Zack right there with him. I still have not ordered that grave marker thing....but with the way we are going, getting the area looking nice and neat, it may motivate me to make that call. I can feel I'm getting closer to being able to place that call.
We have not yet had our little "celebration" of Zack's life. Today was going to be THE DAY. We mentioned our plans to friends and wanted them to keep this date saved. Lucy and I bought a scrapbook and started making pages for a book of Zack... We bought software so she could make a powerpoint of Zack. Lucy and I chose lovely invitations to mail out to our dearest friends but we just couldn't force ourselves to have them printed with the date. As time wore on I decided to own up to the reality that we are just not quite there yet with this "celebration" thing. I'm not ready to slap a smile on and act like it's all OK.... or that his death is even kind of semi OK because he had a good life yada yada... none of the situation is quite near any type of OK with me yet. I'd be running the show, so we will wait a little longer on the "celebration". I don't have feelings of "celebration" in my heart. Not sure I ever will...but hopefully sometime in the future the special memories will lift me up and I can at least act like the short life Zack had is something to celebrate. I know...sounds bitter. He was such a beautiful spirit... when I think of him as gone the finality is really so abstract. Too much to fathom. Today I realized as I sat on the dirt covering his ashes...dug holes for plants to grow near him, put mulch over him...that's all I have of him now... a dark green marble box in the ground. I know it, but I just don't understand it.
My beautiful ballerina
I love summer
Wiped out helpers
Zack
"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven." Mark Twain... Hmmm.... Zack could make us laugh about anything... except his dying.
No comments:
Post a Comment