June 2....

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis ......And I don't know exactly what he means...but I have an idea.... 


Today we have a family project.  Right now as I'm sitting here quickly typing this, a five ton load of pea gravel is being dumped in the back, at the edge of our woods.  I'm afraid to look and see what five tons of gravel looks like...daunting.... We will be moving it into the woods... making the path to Zack more defined and permanent.  A bonding (back breaking) family project nobody was looking forward to...but it needs to be done and I think and hope by doing this it will bring me some closure.  It's a gorgeous, sunny blue sky day.  Perfect for soothing the soul with hard work.  The girls are moaning...but they'll come around.  We are on the same page and want Zack's place peaceful and spiritual... like he was.

 I seem to be the last hold out as far as coming to terms with our loss.   My family is getting frustrated with me and my blues and blahs.  And honestly I'm confused and frustrated by their almost easy acceptance of what happened.  Everybody handles grief differently... and maybe it's because I found him... I'm his mom... I took him to all the appointments....Zack was so not Zack due to his disease... I don't know what or why...but I'm still the mess while they've moved forward and have come to terms. Or appear to.

We have not ordered a grave marker yet..or a headstone.  I am almost sure I know what I want. Nobody else has looked with me or given input so its going to be my choice alone I guess.  It will be a simple pretty granite square with a bronze plaque engraved with Zack's full name and dates..trimmed with maple leaves....and then I am THINKING... "Beloved Brother and Son" below his name....but that is so over used... so I'm not sure.. but I like also, "In God's arms forever. In our hearts always."  Maybe I'll use both.  Like almost everything else in my life I am commitment phobic about this. And the importance of this decision has left me stagnant.  So many choices... size, bronze and granite...just granite... just bronze.... they can do so many different engravings of pictures representing interests and hobbies...but nothing really stands out to me.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but I cannot find the right picture to express those words.  I keep waiting for something to jump into my mind or heart that clearly illustrates who Zack was and conveys his worth and the depth of our loss...but that hasn't happened in all this time.  I don't think that picture exists.

Last month my husband and I were at our local garden center and we both saw something that stood out to us that reminded us of our Zack.  It hit us... and the way we both were drawn to it felt like Zack had a hand in showing us what he wants.  With spring here, I had been on the prowl for weeks prior, looking for statuary somethings to go back there with him.  Many beautiful angels and saints... but we chose a three foot magical wizard and two elves.  Zack loved mystical things.  Right about the same time, the girls found a wind chime with a sweet heavenly sound that will hang from a tree over Zack.  I have a few other ideas...but the path has to come first.... so off I go to round up the gang and start that labor. 

Forest friends will keep watch over our boy

This is the last photo I have of Zack.  Christmas morning December 2010

It's true...you can never have enough photos.  I'm so regretful I did not take more of Zack.

 I had ten months of 2011 with him...and I just didn't think to do it.