Thursday November 17

Three weeks ago today.

Benedictus

Benediction....closing prayer.  

This music has been on my ipod for a couple years...I never stopped to listen to it once in all that time.  The other night I was in the kitchen, making the girls their lunches, had busy hands, and "Benedictus" came on my ipod...My thoughts were wondering and I allowed it to play through...peaceful and sad...it fit my mood and I was glad I had those sticky peanut butter hands that weren't able to be tempted into forwarding the music to something more upbeat.  I didn't even know the title...but I let it sooth my mind and remind me of Zack as I peeled apples and put chips into baggies.

The sorrowful music was the perfect accompaniment for my pensive thoughts and emotions...and as I listened to it I had flash images of Zack through the years.  His dark brown eyes, his smile, his thick dark wavy hair... goofing with his little sisters, laughing with his friends, making us laugh so hard at dinner, swimming and diving like a fish, Zack in the kitchen cooking some of his "specialties" for us  - the "toad in the hole" he learned how to make in middle school "life skills" class and his mega spicy pasta salad -  He also made the most fabulous pizza from scratch...and the girls agree nobody knew how to cook potstickers like Zack did.  I pictured him sitting at his computer, composing his techno music, gaming with his friends, getting dressed up for a date.....There was so much more to our Zack than the mentally ill one - the one still so prominent on the surface of my memory. 

Zack wrote me a poem years ago...titled  "I am"....it was a beautiful, simple poem describing who Zack was ...For years it sat framed on my desk.  The poem went mysteriously missing a while back.  Just suddenly gone.  That poem was special to me.  I remember my panic when I noticed it's disappearance.  I searched behind, under, in baskets, on shelves...no luck.  The "I am" poem was gone.  I always thought that was the strangest thing....I guess Zack didn't care for it or didn't want a reminder of who "he was".   I wish I had that poem....I cared for it...and I do want a reminder of who he was. 

Over the past three weeks I have had such vivid, crystal clear dreams of Zack when he was younger.  I don't usually remember my dreams but I do recall snatches of bits and pieces of my recent Zack dreams.  They seem so real.  The other night, the only thing I remembered of my Zack dreams was of years ago, when he had a short haircut - a fuzzy buzzy cut -  In my dream I rubbed his soft head.  

The four of us have come a long way over the past three weeks.  But we are definitely each dealing with the loss differently.   I guess that's a good thing.  We're not all sitting around depressed and crying.  Sometimes we laugh together..other times we are all quiet together, but we are getting through it together.... and on our own.

"Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows, which show like grief itself"
William Shakespeare

I saw that quote earlier today, printed on a brochure about coping with grief.  Now that is something to ponder.

To Be Continued....

My Peanuts 2003

Tuesday November 15

Well....I watched out my front bedroom window as the Salvation Army took away my son's bedroom furniture. It was a sad sight and I was pretty melancholy... that same window is where, for the past nine months, I used to spy on Zack sitting in his car smoking his days away and enjoying chats and laughs with his missing passenger.

My husband moved the furniture out of Zack's room and into the garage last night.  Over a week ago, he called to make the arrangements for the furniture to be donated.  I knew today was the day....last night I had second thoughts.   It seems so soon....but he pointed out that somebody else who needs it can use it.  Maybe getting rid of everything brings some sort of closure for him.  I haven't been in or peeked into Zack's room since October 27.  I really don't ever foresee myself going in there again.  Kind of peculiar maybe...but we don't need the space and I can't wrap my mind around feeling alright enough with what I saw that day to ever want to badly enough. I have to walk toward his room any time I head toward my own.  I evade even a glance at his closed door. 

My husband told me the only thing left in Zack's room is his gumball machine.  It's a huge one - the type in stores with large gumballs for a quarter, where the gumball swirls down and out.  They are all stale and hard now, though.  My father gave that gumball machine to Zack when he was about 8 years old.  Zack used to charge everybody for gumballs, save the quarters, and buy himself fun little boy stuff.  The girls and I laughed about that the other night.  He was always an entrepreneur, full of money making ideas....like the time he bought cases of  Monster at Costco, brought them to school, and sold cans at lunch and during passing periods in high school.  The kids would pay $5 and up for a can.  Then as business grew,  Zack "paid" friends with a can of Monster so they would carry cans through the hallways and sell, too.  He had a good thing going for a few weeks until a Dean called him into his office....the high school had a contract with Coke.  No other products allowed.  He nixed Zack's growing business...but Zack laughed about it because he could tell the Dean had a little amused grin about the whole thing.  I think there may have been some admiration there. 

I hope in a few years we aren't sorry we gave away almost all of Zack's belongings....I know some people leave the room the same, so I am a little hesitant about my husband's hasty decision.  The current room just didn't reflect our Zack to us, I guess.   It was the room of a dull mentally ill person.  Not the Zack we need to keep in our hearts.  I don't even know what he did with Zack's nice computer..or his ipod..I forgot to ask.  I'd like to save his ipod as it was..loaded with the music that was important to Zack.  I think it calmed or out-noised his scattered mind. 

We are still waiting for those toxicology reports....and a call from the county mental health board.  I cannot wait to write them a scathing letter.  I am itching to...and like the collection agency leaving me on hold, the longer I have to wait, the more prepared I am going to be to let it all out.   Some things I want to include are not only their disturbing failure to return my call... the EFFORT it always took to get a return call from "Family Services",  the fact that I mentioned twice to Abby my concerns with how sedated Zack was on the doubled meds.....and no doctor bothered to call me back until a week and a half later - a week after he died....the time TAPS wanted to kick Zack out after one week in their group...the times Dr M saw Zack without letting me know - despite the fact that they all considered him "severely mentally ill"....the way "Family Services" brushed us off to Pioneer Center's groups like they'd be our saving grace....and then Sandy from Pioneer gauged  Zack as  "not group appropriate"....and there was nothing they can do for him - go away and hope the medication works and then he can be reassessed....the sick comment by Sandy from Pioneer Center that if Zack is too big a burden for us at home I can always drop him off at a homeless shelter.  That disgusting comment makes me feel ill even now because sadly I am certain that some families do drop their mentally ill loved one off at a homeless shelter...they may have to because the burden IS too big....The way all the services in this county kept passing us around on some fruitless pointless quest for help....that doesn't exist.

Lucy is mad.  She is angry that her brother "was wronged".....she will never get to go on that promised road trip.  She told me Zack talked about wanting to take her, once she turned sixteen, and show her as much of the country as he could....because she is losing her sight.  He told her if he had money they would go to Europe and "do it big"....she was counting on that trip with her brother...and seeing those neat sights.   She was also counting on her kids having a fun uncle...Zack was fantastic with little kids.  Kids adored him....he would have been a wonderful uncle.  She is going to write an informative speech or a poem about mental illness and schizophrenia.  Awareness...that's what we need to promote....We all lived these past nine months in quiet shame because of the stigma of mental illness and the mistaken scary connotations that accompany with the creepy word "schizophrenia"...I still haven't figured out the best way to honor Zack's memory...but I have been praying on it...and I have faith that something will come to me.

Our Thanksgiving trip is still on hold.  Lucy's high school football team keeps winning....she wants to be there, part of the excitement if the team goes to state playoffs...so we wait until Saturday the 19th to either pack or rearrange our trip for possibly a Christmas getaway.  Jojo really wants to go to Disney World.  I want to make it happen for her.  We need to make new happy family memories.

Today was only my second day home alone.   Lucy has missed several days dealing with her grief.  Jojo missed a couple but she has been a trooper.  I think for Jojo it's important to keep busy.  I have noticed with myself that the only way to function is to keep myself occupied....almost avoid the depressing thoughts...but then I'm not sure if that's such a healing way to deal with the loss....the pain still comes to me in waves, though.  It manages to find a way to sneak in.   Yesterday I went shopping....As I browsed the Christmas things, it hit me that I'd be shopping to fill only two stockings this year....no search for the perfect flavored hot cocoas or hot sauces... no extra large bottle of Tabasco needed....Zack had his favorite candies, too.   The sadness seeps in little by little but it recedes, now, too.  

I still worry about the girls and how they are dealing with the loss of their brother.  I have such amazing friends in my life, texting me, calling me, messaging me daily, checking up on me.... just being there.... I don't think the girls have the same support.  Their friends don't know how to comfort them.  My husband doesn't talk to friends about the loss, either....

Well..this got interrupted...I took Jojo to dance.  Thankfully nobody was there to have to talk to.  The ladies that run the place were so sweet to me, though....had a card for us.  Said kind words.....

Tonight I was able to secure a fabulous rate on a cruise during our planned Thanksgiving trip dates.  I modified the WDW hotel reservation and added a four night sailing on the Disney Dream.  The girls were so disappointed that we had to cancel our October cruise due to Zack's illness....this availability was like a miracle.  They rarely have discounted travel agent rates on the Dream....I grabbed it, told Lucy her football (maybe) playoffs would have to happen without her.  We need fun.  We are going on our Thanksgiving getaway.

To Be Continued....

December 2006

Friday November 11

I just wanted to keep up here a little bit....until we know what happened - if we ever know - and then I can create some closure to this blog and in maybe in my heart. 

We are past the two week mark.  The loss isn't as agonizingly raw today.  It's bittersweet and still almost a little surreal.  I have to work to avoid any inkling of guilt or what ifs...I know I can let myself go down a terrible path if I allow those damaging feelings fester and grow. 

Tuesday was the worst day this week.  I woke from a dream that Zack came back alive, we were all ecstatic with the possibility that we had another chance to get him well.  We didn't tell him that he had died...we didn't want to scare him...but we planned on getting another doctor opinion and continue the battle against this ugly disease.   I felt those old familiar emotions so strong  - relief and hope....and then intense panic when I woke up and realized it was all a dream.  No second chance.

I had a hair appointment on Tuesday.  When I called to make the appointment, I spoke with the lady that has been doing my hair for years....I told her what happened on the phone because I didn't want to be caught off guard, in the salon, by her casually asking me, "How is Zack doing?"   She was shocked at the news.  At one point we were the only people in the salon.  I felt comfortable sharing the details, so they poured out.  She was great...supportive and kind.  Everybody has been.  That's another thing I've learned from this tragedy...a new level of kindness.  I've received it from friends, lost and re-found friends, and even strangers.  I keep reminding myself how blessed I am and taking comfort in that knowledge.

I had planned on taking Jojo to dance class, but my appointment ran longer than expected and in order to get to dance we would really have had to hustle.  It was a cold rainy dark day.... Neither of us was in hustle mode, so we skipped dance...again.   Our continued absences had been noticed...I received a call inquiring where we've been.... I told them,  "My son passed away"....and they were so sorry and kind.  Told us to take all the time we need... asked how old he was...He had just turned twenty one... didn't realize I had a son that old...He never came with to class or recitals....How are you?  How is Jojo?  Bad.  But that was Tuesday.  Today, Friday, we are all not as bad.

All four of us are experiencing those "Zack is back" type dreams.  Maybe that's a common occurrence due to continued hope.  I'd like to think it's due to hope and not disbelief...or denial.  Hope is definitely a strong emotion.  Hope carried me through all these years of struggle with my son.  At this point,  I believe we've all accepted the loss.  Jojo cried Wednesday night at bedtime and shared that she didn't sleep well the night before because she dreamed about Zack.  I asked her..."Good dreams?"...Yes.  She told me she dreamed he was in the kitchen, making himself some food....and it's hard to believe he is gone.   

Lucy wound up staying home until Wednesday. She slept and rested...She needed that time.  Her teachers have been understanding.  Jo had the day off on Tuesday due to teacher meetings.  Wednesday was my first day alone in the house.  It was a little quiet, slow, and even creepy.   I'm not completely ready to jump back into the magic making Disney vacation planning gig....so I felt lonely and bored.  My friends texted me, called me, kept me company long distance...but the house was so silent.  Once in a while blustery trees and outside sounds or Penny and her snoring or barking broke the stillness, but it was strange to be here alone for the first time in so long...I think it was the first time since last fall, really.

Yesterday I dragged myself out of the house.  I went and shopped....tried to keep busy - I have housework to do but I preferred a more enjoyable "busy". 

Zack's drivers license came to us by mail the other day.  It showed up, alone, in an envelope from the Secretary of State office.   I put it in the cigar box along with the bic lighter I found in the laundry room.

Bill collectors continue to call and leave messages for Zack.

We are waiting for those toxicology reports.  They could be in any time now.  I would appreciate closure, but it may never come.  We need a "cause of death" on the death certificate, though. 

Plans and thoughts on some sort of memorial party, get-together type event, have crossed our minds and come up in discussion.  I would love to do something mid December...Christmas season is so special.  I'd like to celebrate Zack's life during one of the most beautiful times of the year.

Now, when I see things that remind me of Zack I don't crumble.  I allow myself to feel the grief...and then I force a small smile on my face.   Try and twist that sorrow into good memory sorrow.  I don't want to ever forget Zack..or ignore the feeling of loss...so if I can paste a little smile on, at least I'm telling myself - a secret promise - that someday that smile will come naturally when I think of my wonderful son.

To Be Continued.....

"Peas and carrots, peas and carrots..." 

Zack center front.  Men's Choir 2006 Christmas Concert

Monday November 7

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,

but it also brings music to my ears" - Anonymous

It was a long weekend....even without Zack here with us.  I think it was longer with him gone.  The days dragged....and adding that one extra hour made Sunday noticeably more drawn out. 

Saturday Jojo went over to the neighbor's house to play.  She put a few kleenex in her pocket "just in case".   She spent the afternoon over there with her friends. I think that was good for her.  A little escape.

Lucy....lucy had her speech team meet on Saturday.  The first of the season and her first ever.  She wore her funeral clothes - in reality they look like classy business attire - and she shone.  She did a "prose" type speech, of a passage from "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn".  My favorite.  When she popped in the door at 320pm after her boyfriend dropped her off, she was so excited.  She placed 5th in varsity.  She is only a sophomore...she scored one of the highest on her school's team.   She was really anxious about this speech thing because she was sitting in speech team practice when my husband called her to let her know about Zack.  She was considering quitting...all the reliving the memories of that horrible day....I talked her into just giving it another week to let the time pass and the horrible fade a little...so glad it worked out and she had a positive experience.  She's looking forward to the next meet with a little less trepidation.  

Later in the afternoon, we sent Lucy over to the neighbor's house to get Jojo.  My husband wanted all of us to go out to dinner.   When Jo came home she said our neighbors asked what happened at our house...all the emergency vehicles....I don't really know the neighbors - for as long as we've lived here we really never spoke more than friendly quick words in passing...We wave and the kids play, but half our neighborhood goes to a different school district than we do.   And everybody has large yards....we all enjoy our space and our privacy.   Jojo answered the kids' parents about what happened.  They cried.   They knew Zack....Lucy said everybody in the neighborhood knew Zack.  They all liked him so much.  I didn't realize......

The four of us went out....had a fake good time at the restaurant.  I would have preferred to just stay in my pajamas for the day into evening, but when all was said and done, it was nice to get out.  At dinner, my husband was trying too hard to be cheerful.  The obvious effort got annoying for the three of us who were all feeling gloomy... We let him know that his cheer was dragging us down lower....so he stopped the act.  

Sunday our neighbors pulled into our driveway to deliver a huge Edible Arrangement fruit basket.   The kids brought it up to the front door.... I smiled and thanked them and told them it was beautiful and we'd enjoy it....and then I looked past them to see their mom standing there....crying.   I cried.  She blew a kiss and mouthed, "Sorry".  I seem to be able to ignore the sorrow until I see it in someone else...then it comes right on up full strength to choke me.  I'm not sure what to think about that.  I'm worried that ignoring it is not a good thing...but I have to ignore it in order to function.

Jojo had a chorus concert Sunday afternoon.  "The Festival of the Voice".  She told me she was singing an English song of Joy.  I was looking forward to that....anticipating allowing the music to brighten my mood....but then somehow we missed the boat on getting tickets....I thought I would be able to purchase them at the box office.  No.  They were sold out.  No brightened mood for me.   Although after the concert, my husband and I took Jojo out for ice cream.  Ice cream is a decent picker upper.  Short term.   

Lucy didn't want to leave the house on Sunday.  She relaxed and slept.  When we returned home, though, I called up to her...she came into the hallway to talk to me and she fainted.  That was scary.  My husband was outside dealing with taking the trash to the road, Jojo and I ran upstairs yelling, "Lucy!!!".....she passed out, bumped her head on the balcony railing, her glasses were lying on the floor -  unbroken....and as she woke up she asked, "Where am I?" and my heart thudded......this is getting even more overwhelming.  I am so afraid for her.  She's fifteen....I can't force feed her... but I've been trying this past ten days.  She stayed home today and spent another day just recovering, recuperating, and relaxing.

I was secretly glad she was home with me.  My husband went back to work today.....I was going to be alone for the first time.  I was nervous....  Jojo just informed me she has no school tomorrow.  What a relief.  Lucy is going to school, but if it's too difficult she said she wants to stay home on Wednesday.  She told me tonight that she always thought Zack would bounce back out of this disease.  He was always resilient....a cat with nine lives.....this is so hard to conceive.  He is GONE.   His life is over.  I saw it.... I felt it....but I still cannot always believe it.  I am surviving in a daze, going through life motions...taking it hour by hour until one day the fog will hopefully lift and reveal something better. 

I tried to keep busy....made a nice breakfast for Lucy and me, cleaned the kitchen, took down the Halloween decorations I just put up, did a load of laundry, walked Penny.... Penny has really come through for me.  She's earned her Newfie status.  She has been my constant close shadow and companion...whether working, typing, sleeping...she's been my pal and my comfort.   

Halloween decorations....I kept some fall ones up around the house, but I wanted to put the witches and jack-o-lanters away.  I went to the basement for my big blue storage bin...clearly marked "Halloween"....it was heavy.  It should have been light - and empty.  I pulled the cover off of the bin to find Zack's computer games and other items staring at me.  I actually gasped out loud with the shock of it.  But also, right on top, was the pretty wooden cigar box...the one that held Zack's twenty first birthday present.  I ran my hands over it.  I had never touched it before...just admired it from afar, it is nice wood, has some neat shiny details, labels and logos...and I smelled it.  The wood had a faint spicy scent....but when I opened it, that's when it hit me.  It smelled like Zack did for a few days in September.  I took the box upstairs and set it on a side table in the family room.  I don't have much in the way of trinkets or momentos to remember him by.  His stuff, along with his personality, was gone a while back.  I found a black bic lighter in the laundry room the other day...but his special belongings have been missing for over a year. 

Despite keeping busy, today I was overwhelmed with guilt...and what ifs.  I want him back.  Why didn't I run up to his room to wake him earlier?  Why did I let him sleep so late?  Why?  But deep inside me I know the answer to "why?"..I don't need to keep asking myself  "why?" ..I had things to do and regretfully it was easier for me if he wasn't in my way....  I am going to have to work that knowledge out in my mind and heart....and live with it forever.  Guilt stings and hurts even through the numb daze.  

To Be Continued.....

 Buddies

Saturday November 5

"Your emptiness is but the preparation of your being filled,

and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up." - Charles Spurgeon

We buried Zack's ashes yesterday.  The funeral home called...the green marble "box" was inscribed and it was ready for us.  The day I dreaded.

I had not walked out to the little clearing since the hole was dug....I was afraid to face up to that hole and my feelings seeing it....but I did it.  Yesterday wasn't a horrid day.  It was tough, but not horrid.  Before we went to the funeral home my husband and I took a walk out into the woods.  He had done a nice job widening and defining the path.  It's all covered with scattered orange and gold leaves now, but we will make it more permanent in the spring next year.  The hole was bigger and deeper than I expected but it didn't phase me like I expected.  I felt an odd calm.  Kind of a "The end"... time to put all the years of hardships behind... finish this tragedy and work toward recuperating and moving forward.  I know there will be no exact conclusion but we need to be able to heal...and live.

My husband and I drove in silence to the funeral home.  We were shown into an office and a woman brought the green marble box to us.  Honestly....I still don't know what words it had on it in gold...I couldn't look closely enough... It did have my son's name on it...I checked that much.  I also asked if it would spill if it were knocked over... Penny and all, running through the house knocking things over...that is a morbid thought of mine...but I needed an answer.  She didn't flinch.  She told me how the ashes are put into it and there is a screw at the bottom.  Penny could knock it around all she wanted and nothing would leak.  We could have kept the box in the house, but we really felt like out there in the beautiful woods is where Zack belongs.

Next chore will be ordering that headstone.  Today I googled  for "Head...." and then I killed the browser.  I'm going to have to work myself up to that one.  Not sure why, but it really horrifies me....I'll have to do some soul searching and figure out what it is about ordering a headstone that is so distasteful when my son is already gone and buried anyway....

Lucy stayed home resting yesterday, but Jojo had chorus after school.  It was about 4 pm when I picked her up...I asked her how she was feeling.... I let her know today is the day if she's OK with it.  So, the four of us and Penny walked that leaf blanketed windy path under beautiful blue skies at 4 pm to say our goodbyes to our sweet Zack.  We brought the stone peace sign, a box of kleenex, and a couple things I printed out to read.  The four of us made a somber procession walking through our yard into the woods....except for Penny.  She kept trying to make Jojo turn around by biting her leash and tugging the opposite way.  She's never been in the woods before and didn't want to go now.  Or maybe she was nervous..sensing our apprehension...because we were all a bit frightened by what we were about to do.

I didn't really have a plan....I just wasn't sure how anybody would feel out there...and I had been avoiding a plan.  I knew we would feel bad of course, but how bad...?  So I figured we'd play it by ear.  Zack would have laughed...he was always a procrastinator and threw stuff together - but it always turned out.  We used to say he had an angel watching over him....So I hoped his angel was still there watching and this ceremony would turn out, too. 

We stood near and watched in silence as my husband placed the green marble box of Zack into the hole and shoveled the brown muddy dirt over it.  We could hear voices outside of the woods....carrying through the quiet.  I thought maybe they would hear ours, too.  

Once the box was buried we each shared a few thoughts...chuckled a little.  Read a prayer.  I always loved the Prayer of Saint Francis.. probably not funeral appropriate, but I love the message and we needed a prayer...and I didn't want "funeral appropriate" anyway.  I was choked up...couldn't read it.  Good thing I had bolded it....Lucy read it in her loud clear speech team voice.  Then she read the lyrics to "Wish You Were Here"....Zack, at the end, really liked Pink Floyd.  Knowing the song is about feeling disjointed from reality, the lyrics kind of fit the theme of this tragedy.  And we do wish dearly that he was here... and had been here.  We each stood quietly, arms around each other, lost in our own minds and prayers....sharing thoughts and memories....then a tearful Jojo and restless Penny walked back up to the house.  Lucy, my husband, and I remained....I was contemplating the finality....suddenly we heard it.  The whooshy sound of a hot air balloon being filled. 

The three of us just stood and waited.... slowly and peacefully a balloon showed itself behind the tree line..it was white, red and black...it didn't go very high... it drifted left... directed by the gentle wind....then another rose... a bright rainbow colored balloon...this one also followed the same easy leftward path...They never reached a height that could have been viewed from my house....We only saw these because we stood in the middle of the forest...with Zack.  Maybe silly, but we were comforted.

We watched them float so dreamily and magically....and Lucy said "Zack always wanted to go up in a hot air balloon"..... I had no idea.  She said he used to talk about it with grandma and grandpa when he was young.....

We walked solemnly back up to the house.  Jojo told me Dr. K had just phoned.  I quickly returned his call....he gave me his condolences...listened to what happened at the end...and told me, "I would consult my attorney"....I did not expect him to say that.   But I have felt mad....I was bitter toward "Family Services"...for all the times they did not return my calls...how difficult it always was to reach anybody...for being left out of the doctor appointments a few times, and about them not taking my concern regarding how over-sedated I thought Zack was seriously.  I thought that maybe the anger was tricking me out of dealing with the despair, though...so I let those bitter feelings leave me...I needed to grieve....but when Dr. K told me this and why....it fueled my fury.  I felt my blood boil.

The medication...the Zyprexa...that medication came with the big thick warning packet from Target - I have picked up a lot of medications over the past year and this one was the scariest... it sure does have incidences of sudden death associated with it.  He told me a doctor should have called me back when I let Abby know Monday that I was not comfortable with how drowsy the stuff was making Zack....I told her Monday how he spent the weekend sleeping all day and all night...all weekend....she said she was going to note it for Dr. M....and maybe we'd be able to see Dr M this week vs waiting until the next.  I counted on it.  The next time I heard from Abby was Wednesday...no call from Dr M.  Wednesday Abby told me, unfortunately Dr M was going to be out of the office until next week....I again told her I was worried about how tired Zack was...but I did say I guess it's alright to wait since the voices seem to have quieted... and maybe the drowsiness was something that would wear off....?  All his anti psychotic meds caused drowsiness...but this seemed excessive. Dr. K told me a doctor should have been notified of my concern...and Dr K said so what if she was going out of town, another doctor should have contacted me.   And when I think back, never was I told about any warnings or side effects of this medication...anything to watch out for....the only way I knew about the sudden death possibility was from reading the package from Target pharmacy, and it seemed like a nonsensical chance in a million since nobody brought up something so important... AND..Dr.K told me that Lilly needs to be notified that our son was on one of their products and died.....How would I have known to do that??  "Family Services" didn't tell me to.... so I wonder how many other people have had loved ones die on this crap and had not known to report it?  Sudden death may be more common than one in a million....Maybe we wait until the toxicology reports come in and the coroner reports it to Lilly?  I don't know....but Dr. K said Lilly should be contacted and they are required by law to investigate it (I think he said "investigate"..I was stunned by this whole conversation...)  We do have to wait for the blood results to come back to us....I do not think Zack took anything else on purpose, but he was psychotic, so I can't be sure until then.

I was livid.... maybe my son's death could have been avoided.....He said "Family Services" is a public agency.  They need to be held accountable for this.  He told me they should have had steps in place for a doctor to answer to my concerns...these psychotropic medications all carry possibilities for serious side effects.

Then we talked about how badly Zack was janked around by the system.  He said Zack really should have been in a state mental hospital for a year.... but he couldn't be...we have private insurance.   He talked about how the system is so flawed and fragmented...you can get this service if you have medicaid...you can have this one if you have SSI...if you have private insurance you get this....The conversation renewed that spark in my heart that I need to do something....anything so that Zack's suffering with this ugly disease and his tragic death is not a waste.

The four of us decided to go out to dinner... Zack loved Buffalo wings, so that's what we needed to eat.  Then the plan was to spend the evening playing on the Wii....Zack hated Wii,  he was a more serious gamer...but we enjoyed ourselves and our memories.

This morning Lucy had to get up early for her speech team competition.  She was out the door by 7 am..dressed in her "funeral clothes".   I went back to bed.... to mind wander.   Mid morning, I received a call from Zack's all time favorite teacher.  What a comfort to me that conversation was.  It's such a joy talking with people that knew Zack and loved that precious kid....the real Zack.

I am feeling the grace of all the prayers and positive thoughts... I am sure of it.  Those prayers are what are pulling me through.  The quote above spoke to me today....I have been so low...so mired in despair...and desolate...It has to be the prayers that are filling my heart and lifting me up.  To be drained and taken down so far...and now realize the possibility - feel the hope - of one day being replete and alive again is magical.. miraculous, and amazing.

He was loved.....

 

Friday November 4

Today I feel slightly better.  I'm not sure whether to trust that or not....but I am holding tightly onto it for now.  The waves of grief aren't as strong...it's more just an overall numbness.  I have to thank my friend for her assurance that the grief pain would indeed fade..that gave me such hope.  Two days ago I thought I would die from pain and sorrow so intense.

This morning, I woke up, got Jojo off to school, and went back to bed...just to rest.  I think that's the best thing I'm doing for myself...just letting my mind go to memories...the happy ones in better days....and praying for strength for myself, husband, and my daughters, and peace for Zack. 

I thought I heard a hot air balloon this morning over my house, but I was too tired to go check...and then again I kind of thought it was Penny's snoring.  She gets blamed for those mysterious noises.

Lucy shared something her vision itinerant told her yesterday...It really moved me.  "Grief changes people.  You'll come out the other side of this grief a better person.  Once you've felt it, you've gone to war, seen the war zone...You'll know things and feel things that other people don't.  It will teach you understanding and empathy.  People that never experience a loss have a coldness about them."  I thought that was so wise and comforting.

This morning, the phone rang at 8 am.   It was a debt collector calling for Zack.  The phone wasn't by my bedside...so I just lie there and listened to the message and considered what to do....then it rang again 15 minutes later - same debt collector....no message.   I made my decision.  I called them back.

They had the nerve to put me on hold for five minutes....I was good and ready to talk to them when the rep returned.  She asked for a reference number...Is this for Zachary?  Yes.....I asked them....who is your client?   She only said this is Northwest Collectors... Well who are you collecting for?  It was the fourth floor doctor from the "Specialty Hospital"..(The arrogant ass that who planted the idea in Zack's messed up mind that his substance abuse wasn't bad enough to necessitate help).....Then I knew what I was going to say.

I told her to "Relay this message:  My son is dead....Tell the bastard he is not getting one dime out of us.(he already has the insurance payment)  He is part of the system that killed my son.  He's going to have to suck this one up and say his prayers that I don't sue his dirty ass for the part he played in my son's death.  OK?  So, relay the message, do not call here again, and have yourself a good ol' day."   Click.  And I was proud of myself.

I had to take the phone into the laundry room because Lucy stayed home today.  I didn't want her to know or hear that call.  I'm somewhat ashamed of myself for being proud of myself for being so nasty....but I am disgusted with the system.  The anger squashes the sadness a bit...and that break feels good.

Lucy.... last night she fell to pieces.  She sat at the dinner table and cried...she confessed she can't eat or sleep...she said she never forgot the "real" Zack...and always hoped we'd get him back.   I am so grateful that I have her to remind me who the "real" Zack was, but those sweet memories are tearing her up.  She showed me the business card she came home with...it belonged to the counselor at the high school....the one that loved Zack.  She's actually a licensed clinical social worker.  There was a note with it, offering to help in any way.  So I emailed her.  Lucy won't slow down for fear of missing lessons and having homework build up....falling grades...but I convinced her to stay home and just rest today.  She needs time.

During my morning mind wandering.... I thought about all the appointments, ER visits, hospital visits, rides to and from various groups....the failed quest that I was on to get Zack well....then I thought about the death chores...the cleaning, the calls to the coroner's office, funeral home, insurance companies, arranging the donations...clearing the area and digging the hole.  I did all the life chores, my husband is doing all the death ones.  I'm thankful for that....and a new respect is growing for him.  The resentment is fading....I did what I could and he's doing what he can.   

Today I'm feeling more hopeful and confident that we'll survive this.

To Be Continued.....

  "The pain passes, but the beauty remains".  Renoir

Thursday November 3

Today started off bad...but it's improved.  For that to happen...gives me hope.

I got the girls up and moving at 630am....After they left at 7, I decided to head back to bed.  Penny was miffed she wasn't fed her breakfast...she didn't come cuddle with me.

I had been awake since 330am and I was so tired I ached.  I couldn't fall asleep.  I just lie there still and let my mind take me where it would.  Memories and worries..but no tears.  The phone rang at about 830am.  It was Abby with "Family Services".  She was sorry for the late notice but Zack was scheduled to see Dr. M this morning.....I cut her off.   I said, "Abby....Zack passed away."  Silence....she was stunned....and sad....disbelief.   The questions... what happened?  when?  She expressed her sympathy and told me to take care of myself... if there was anything they could do for me or my family not to hesitate to ask.  That gave me anxiety.  She told me she was going to share the news...several people worked with and knew Zack.

About ten minutes after I got off the phone with Abby, Dr M called.  I could hear in her voice how heartsick she was over this awful news.   She asked me what happened...any signs of strange symptoms...anything at all out of the usual....details....She said she's never had this happen, and to a person so young.  She wanted to gather any information, to help her cope, I think, and learn.   She asked permission to contact the coroner's office.  Yes.  She also offered if there was anything she could do for my family to please let her know...she asked how we are doing.  We are devastated. I told her this disease is SHIT...and what a terrific kid Zack was until he was struck down with this ugly mess and taken from us.  I was tempted to tell her I need an appointment for meds for myself...I wanted to...but I didn't.  I realize I must endure this despair now....my son died.  I need to feel the sorrow in full force and not cheat myself or Zack of the horrid grief caused by his death.   I have to absorb and feel the pain that goes with this horrendous situation...feel it, heal it, and go on with life. 

Then a friend called...she lost her son two years ago to a hit and run driver.  We cried together.  She wanted to come and just sit with me and hug me.  I told her no....I still crave my peace and solitude.  But it felt good to talk....although now I'm concerned because even after two years she continues to sound destroyed.

My husband had made arrangements for Zack's car to be donated to the Salvation Army.  They came and towed it away this morning.   The finality of Zack being gone is becoming crushing.  As I got dressed, I looked out my front bedroom window, expecting to see Zack sitting in the driver's seat, smoking, and chatting to that missing passenger.... 

I had written a card out to Zack's grade school and mailed it a couple days ago - he had a favorite fifth grade teacher and so many other people there that held importance to him.  And I think they held him in a special place, also.  I wanted them to know about his passing.  The school social worker phoned me this morning...she was upset to hear the news.  We have known each other for thirteen years.  She knew Zack all that time because of his ADD and 504 plans and eventual IEPs....She talked me down off the edge of despair this morning and put some hope and a spark in my heart.  We shared remembrances of Zack...and she told me she will always remember his smile and how funny and creative he was.  Then she got mad with me about  mental health care...and shocked by a few of the situations we experienced during the past few years.  She shared that the number of mentally ill kids and adults she works with has grown...."Something is going on".  And she said the homeless population here in town has grown...many are unwanted uncared for mentally ill people.   She told me I write a beautiful letter and once I get past the worst I should get my pen and paper out.  She said she always thought of me as an example of somebody who fought for her kids....That all made me feel good.  Zack's life and death cannot be a pathetic waste.   He was so absolutely wonderful until this disgusting disease.... Holding that fact in my heart..and my plan to do something to honor his memory is helping me cope today.

The mental health board never returned my call regarding my exhausted options.....

I had my nail appointment today.  I wanted to cancel...but I forced myself to go.  My regular manicurist was on vacation.  Instead, a cute girl named Gaga did my nails.  Gaga was bubbly and silly.... I wasn't feeling it, but I tried.  I smiled with effort, and commented now and then. She was sweet and talkative.  The subject of kids came up.   I told her I have two daughters....it felt odd.   This was the first time I realized.... when somebody asks me now, how many kids do I have... "I have two".   Or do I say, "I had three, now I have two".... or "I have three"?  Today I said "two" and didn't tear up.  I was proud of that.  One day I will be able to say "I have three" and if questions are asked, answers will be given. 

People at the nail salon were also talking about headstones... and dates on headstones, and playing hide and seek in cemeteries.... I made my mind go numb and blank during that particular chatter.. and again I was proud that I didn't fall apart.  However, I was more than ready to leave when my nails were done.  Driving home from the nail salon I was in a foggy gloom.  I saw a hearse coming toward me.....great.  More death.  Then I stopped at a traffic light.   The car in front of me had the plates "HPYNES" on them.  "Happiness".   I let that lift my mood.  I'm going to keep my eyes pealed for signs....signs for hope and possibilities...and signs that my Zack is loved and doing well.

Yesterday was tough....

My husband loaded up the car with Zack's clothes to donate to the Salvation Army.  I am not sure what was in the big black Hefty bags.  My husband packed them....We drove north.  Past the "Family Services" building... past the hospital where I took Zack to the emergency room in June,  past the road to Dr. K's office...all the while I was thinking about how I drove this route for months...with Zack sitting next to me...Zack not really with me....me hopeful.   On the way home, the road dips down into a beautiful valley...I recalled all the daily trips back and forth to "Family Services"....Driving with the top off the Jeep under sunny blue skies in the August warmth - lush deep green trees lining the hilly road,  then watching daily as those trees changed color with the approach of fall. I always made a mental note of how beautiful that valley is..It  cheered me up to view the valley as I returned home after dropping my son off for his mental health help. Yesterday those trees were bleak and brown.  I won't be driving that route any more. 

Pulling into the garage I noticed our empty car smelled like Zack.  That made me cry. 

Lucy has a speech team event Saturday.  The two of us had to run out and buy her "funeral clothes".  That's what the teacher described the appropriate attire as.  Funeral clothes.   In the car, on the way, she let me know she made the teachers aware of her brother's passing..  They all understood her sorrow and told her  that if she requires extra time for anything, she can have it.  She also told me one of the teachers sought out a counselor to see if there was anything to be done for Lucy.   Sadly, it turns out that particular counselor knew Zack...and adored him.   The counselor didn't know Lucy, but she found her in the school and told her "I knew Zack.  Could we chat for a few minutes?"  They talked....Lucy divulged our tragedy and the private details.  The woman cried....she said she loved Zack.   She let Lucy know what a special guy she thought Zack was.  She asked Lucy how she's managing and how she's able to attend school....Lucy told her, "Life doesn't stop".  The woman told Lucy she is as mature as Zack was.  I could see in Lucy's face, when she shared this story with me, that she took pride in that compliment....to be compared to her brother.  I had to cover my face with my hands and sob, with the realization that everybody that knew him loved him....and he's gone.

In the shopping center parking lot, we ran into a dear friend of mine.  She has known Zack for 13 years and was heartbroken by his death.  Zack once saved her six year old daughter from drowning when she fell into the pool....they never forgot that.  She had a gift for me in her car she had purchased just an hour before...could she give it to me?  Another sign...a beautiful rustic stone and metal peace sign to place out near Zack.  He would have loved it.  She said she always thought of Zack as such a free spirit.  She knew him.  He was.
 
Reality and pain consumed me so deeply last night...after hearing about the counselor at the high school counselor's love for my son, noticing the scent of Zack in my car, and seeing Kristy and her just purchased peace sign gift for Zack's grave.  I am grateful I had somebody to call...someone that could give me the promise and assurance that this horrendous pain will recede....When it fills me so tightly and I can barely breathe...it seems it will never pass...but I have hope now that it will.

We'll continue our trudge through this muck.  It's been a week now...Last night I went to tuck Jojo in...She was sobbing in her bed.  I crawled into bed with her and just held her and let her get it out...she admitted she just cannot believe he's dead. 

I am dreading the phone call from the funeral home.  The call to pick up Zack's ashes....We are waiting for the dark green marble box to be inscribed.  I don't even remember what we requested it read.....but I am extremely apprehensive about picking it up....possession of the ashes begins a new sort of finality.

A friend posted this on my Facebook page today.... I love it...

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you...   Winnie the Pooh

To Be Continued.....

Zack was a fish...

He loved to swim and dive. He could get the highest bounce on that diving board

Wednesday November 2

I am so afraid.  I feel afraid of everything now.  Maybe that's how life goes once tragedy slams into you.  I'm not sure.  Because until last Thursday I guess we had been so fortunate... really.  We never knew true tragedy.  Knowing what I know today.... feeling what I feel today,  I would relive it all again...and wouldn't gripe about the struggle if I had a second chance for a different outcome.  The sudden death possibility hanging over me seemed vague and absurd... that wouldn't happen to my son.  It was not even given consideration by anyone but me...the doctors never once mentioned it.  Thursday, when the house was silent, the tragedy that entered our home had kindled a new fear within me....What if I lost one of my girls?   As I sleep next to my husband, I wake periodically to listen.....is he breathing?  Tragedy was never a reality before....but tragedy has creeped into our lives and flaunted itself so clearly.... I worry it will stay....

This morning I woke up early again...in the quiet dark.  I could have let the grief pains take me where they would, but I stayed quiet and calm...yet maybe that's where they did take me...to just mind wondering and remembering.  I have to say....I think this is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.  The original comforting numbness is wearing off.  I am feeling the pain deeper each day....more solidly.  Heavy.  It drags me down.  I just want to sleep....and it's not that I'm feeling depressed...this is different...I'm just weary and tired....and heartbroken.

I worry now about the girls and their days and their suffering.  Lucy said last night she is concerned about her grades.  She thinks she failed a Spanish quiz last Friday....  At first, when she insisted she had to go to school on Friday I thought OK...we are all going to handle the pain of this experience differently....but seeing her last night so despondent and clutching to the memories and the sharing, I am realizing how difficult the loss of her brother has actually been on her..... I worry for her.   She has so many recollections....good fun special memories...things to smile about when we're ready.  But right now those special memories can be taunting....

She questioned me why her (ex) friend (who was so hateful to her) gets to keep her nice brother and she has to lose hers....I don't have any answer...I just reminded Lucy that she still has a precious sister.  Lucy and Jojo have each other. I am so blessed that I have them.  Today Lucy is going to try and tell her teachers that her brother passed away last week.  She said she needs to....she can't concentrate on her school work right now....she has to focus on her grief....

Jojo stayed home from school yesterday.  Her misery comes and goes.  She and Zack were ten years apart.  He doted on her when she was young, but she was about six or seven when our struggles with Zack began...Jojo shares more of my memories than Lucy's.  I was grateful that last night we were able to remind each other of the true Zack....the healthy happy beautiful kid he was before this ugliness took him down.

I now have a clean and organized laundry room, clean kitchen, straightened family room, something was vacuumed while I napped...laundry was sorted...groceries were purchased....my husband even wanted to start renovating a bathroom.... He is going to break.  I worry about him.  Yesterday he cleared out Zack's room...He said he had to get in there and deal with it all before he couldn't.  I understand.  I cannot go in Zack's room....I told him I'm not sure I'll ever be able to again.  He understands.   My husband has made all the necessary calls and arrangements and been the leader and our rock through this.

I accidentally found myself at my other blog.  My fun Disney one...The last entry...March 31, 2011.  As I read through it, I honestly wondered to myself..."Who was that person?"  The author didn't sound like ME.  "She" sounded happy, light, ready for - and anticipating fun....a stranger.   But then, "she" mentioned it being spring break.....That was the beginning of our scary spiraling downward nightmare... I remember sitting in my office the end of March...I could have even been composing that entry...Jojo and I were supposed to have a special day together...but instead we had to stay home and babysit her stoned brother.  I recall phoning a pharmacist friend to ask about the cough medicine that Zack had drugged himself up with..... I remember that Zack... I made him sit with me as I called... questioning him on how much he took...what he took....keeping him here with me under my watch.  What a difference seven months makes....I was a different me.  And seven months before March 31, 2011 Zack was a different Zack.  Today I'm afraid... afraid of where the next seven months will take us.

Memories..... 

 Easter....probably 2003...Zack and his bunny, Mr. Whiskers, Jojo and Lucy

Puerto Rico 2003 - Zack loved Puerto Rico and asked if we had plans to ever go back....

We should have made some

Puerto Rico....hiking in the rain forest

Zack and his pride and joy, Mr. Whiskers 

To Be Continued.....

Our Beloved Zack

Thoughts and memories...

These past few years really drained me....they drained me of so much of myself...but also my sweet memories of my beautiful boy.  My most recent and vivid memories are of police officers showing up while I was outside with Penny, asking me if Zack lived here.... or of Zack yelling and swearing at me, insisting I said something derogatory to him - which I never said... or of him asking us for crucifixes so that he could ward off demons that were destroying his car and his room.  But there was so much more to this kid....so much.  

I wanted to add... with so many people reading this blog...people that never knew my son, and will only see his disease...He was wonderful.   Before this ugly disease struck him down, he was the most amazing, creative, funny, sweet kid.  My daughters, husband, and I had a fantastic talk tonight about our memories.

I was cooking dinner tonight and Lucy came down to the kitchen looking so heartsick...she told me she was having a bad day....we hugged.   She shared that she had started writing down her memories of Zack and she was up to three pages already.  This thrilled me... my mind is so foggy...and the past few years... I only wish they were foggy.   She told me she started writing the day Zack died...and she said whenever the sorrow comes to her, she writes down the good things.  Special simple things that a silly devoted big brother would say or do with an adoring little sister.  As she started telling me things they shared between them, something in me lifted.....the kid I was grieving for was so different than the one she was grieving for.  Her Zack is the loving kind sweet soul....the true Zack.  Not the schizophrenic Zack.

Some funny things she told me.....

He told her years ago that when she is sixteen the two of them would go on a road trip down south and see some neat things.....     That made me cry.....

He used to babysit for the girls when my husband and I would go out on a date here and there... they LOVED when he babysat.  He would make them popcorn with tons of melted butter, introduce them to new movies - he got Jojo hooked on the Yellow Submarine, and Lucy on a cartoon version of The Hobbit.... he would play games with them....and the funniest thing - he would fill up a tupperware with ice water and the person who could keep their hand in it the longest got to choose the movie for the night.  I never knew... but Lucy laughed about it as she told me....it was their little secret. 

She told me how he would glare at anybody that stared at her white cane or glanced at her oddly....

He was always careful what the girls were exposed to...language or tv shows.  He sheltered them.

He would sit in between Jojo and Lucy in the back seat of the car so he could answer to any of their needs.  Jojo was terrible in her car seat...Zack would goof with her and take her mind off her misery. 

She laughed about the time in Walt Disney World when the three of them waited in line for Tower of Terror...Zack holding both their hands the entire line, only to have Jojo chicken out as soon as they were getting on the ride... he got all three of them off, walked Jojo back to my husband and me and took Lucy back to the line.....then Lucy chickened out at boarding.... He was such a good sport about it... got off with Lucy.  He loved his sisters and protected them.  I remember laughing and telling him he should have dumped Lucy on the cast member and said "wait here" and rode alone...but he was appalled I would say that...even in jest.  His sisters were precious to him.

She let me know how he had friends everywhere.  Everybody loved Zack.  That was true.  He was charismatic...and so charming and nice.  Never judgmental of anyone.  Everywhere we went people knew him.  He was such a sweet soul...he would always open doors for people and he'd be the first to offer help to an older person.  Lucy said he'd offer to carry grocery bags out to cars.....yes he would.  I had forgotten.  He wasn't afraid to talk to strangers...he could talk to anyone about anything.... and make them feel so important and respected..and turn them into friends.

His sense of creativity was fun... for Halloween in fifth grade he was a sandwich board walker... The front said "Eat at Joe's" and the back had a ridiculous menu of gross foods... he wore a black fuzzy mustache and a black derby hat..... the next year he was a door to door salesman in an old suit, hat, mustache and brief case...he put his treats in the briefcase... he was so clever.

Lucy's friends are all heartbroken over Zack's passing....they have memories of him, too....He would try to teach the kids how to dive, push them on the tire swing, teach them how to squirt water through their fists, lead games at birthday parties.   He was a big brother to all the little kids that played here.  They all adored him.

His sense of humor....oh that kid was a riot.  The girls reminded me how we used to just laugh hysterically at dinner from the stories he would tell.... and he was fantastic at doing accents.... he was just the life of the party anywhere he went.

He was the chorus president in high school..... but then Lucy showed me "Peas and carrots" quietly mouthed...because Zack joked that that's all you had to do to be on chorus... silently mouth "Peas and carrots" so it appeared you were singing along.... what a goof.  We laughed remembering that one...

Both girls brought up how he would run down the hallways in a hotel with his hands above his head, flailing...just to be a goofball and crack them up...every trip he would do this at least once....

From the time he was about 8 years old and Lucy was two one of the things they both looked forward to the most on Disney trips was after a day at the parks, Zack would go down to the arcade and win prizes for his little sister.  She would wait up in her pajamas excitedly and expectantly wondering what Zack would present her with before bed.  Little trinkets he chose for her....always something special...and even more so because he selected them.

His teachers adored him for his charm and wit and intelligence....even though he did poorly in school....he was a GOOD kid... polite, smart, and fun.  The teachers appreciated him.

He was the best at computer games....always winning...at Epcot he beat all the adults repeatedly at some Innoventions computer demo.  He helped the girls with any game they played.  He always had time and patience with them.

Whenever the three kids would get an invite to sleep over at their grandparents' house, the girls would be nervous, unless Zack was going to go too.  Lucy's words to me were "Zack knows how to take care of us".....he did.  He always looked out for those two darlings.  They felt loved and secure under his watch.

There are so many things.....Zack was just such a kind loving spirit.  The renewed realization of this feels good,  but brings it home harder....what a terrible shameful waste this disease caused...and his tragic death was.

I am heartsick...I miss that wonderful kid desperately.

 They know they were lucky girls to have had such a brother... 

They miss him dearly

To Be Continued....

Tuesday November 1

Today.  A new month already. 

I woke up with a wet pillow.  The grief pains come in waves.  Yesterday I told my friend they are like labor pains...only these are grief....death pains.  They grip the entire top half of my body...clenching it and taking over....I can either go with it, release it, and sob it all out, or hold it tight within me until it passes....leaving me with a calming....peaceful break.  I didn't opt to hold it in....I sobbed.  It was very dark and quiet...I was alone with my grief and I preferred it that way so I let the grief pains take over me.  My husband is aware of my despair and through the day he keeps asking me, "Are you alright?"   No.  I'm not.  I want to be, but I'm not now...and I can't pretend that I am.  So, alone with my grief is good.

I thought about how this blog has been a gift to myself.  I have reread front to back...and then back to front...and then miscellaneous posts in between.   I am trying to get some sort of grasp on what happened.... contain my regrets and my guilt....and convince myself I TRIED.  I tried....I only wish.....I needed that happy ending.

Jumbled things entered my head....things like how you should never go to bed angry....you should always hug and say "I love you" when somebody leaves....you should let people know you love them and care....all these things are part of my regrets.   I have more time, though, to get it right....just not with Zack.

Silly things...I opened the fridge and there is an avocado staring at me.  That avocado I claimed....I told Zack "Do not eat that....that one is mine."   I should have let him just have it.  It's going to waste now.

I thought how it's funny because I cannot do anything.  I cannot focus....I cannot read or watch TV.   I watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills four times in a row...and could probably watch it a fifth and still not know what happened.  I was never a big fan of housework so that's low on my list to relieve my sorrow....I have done what I have to to get by...but my mind isn't really under my control.   I brushed my teeth for almost 15 minutes...I just stood there brushing, forgot what I was doing.... until I caught myself just daydreaming the time away while my toothbrush moved....so what I've been passing my time with is reading the blog and futzing on the computer.   That's how Zack spent his scattered brain days away....vegging on the computer.  Strange.

As I lay there in the quiet, I let my jumbled mind just wonder.....it brought me memories of my little bear.....thoughts about comments people made yesterday,  remembering my fear of sharing the news of Zack's passing....and the horrid anxiety I had worrying about the reactions I was putting myself out to receive....and the peace and some odd sense of closure the sharing brought me.

I also had thoughts and fears about burying Zack.  That day is getting nearer.

Yesterday....any time I type that word the song starts going through my head.....it is now.  Yeah...Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.....

But yesterday my husband went out to the clearing in the woods.  That is how he is coping...he keeps busy.  I have a clean kitchen, straightened family room, sorted paperwork...but yesterday he did more work on the path....and he told me he dug a hole.   That image so cold and awful...and I think when I see that hole in the ground my guts will shatter.  I'm so afraid.   And I am afraid of what to say...how to do it.   How to pray and make it meaningful for my daughters.  We loved Zack so much.  I don't want to cheat him or slight his memory.   In my wondering mind, when I pray, I ask God to wrap his arms around Zack and hold him tight...let him feel his love... please heal him......and then set him free.  I picture a huge fluffy owl with enormous feathery wings....wrapping tightly around a little boy Zack and enveloping that boy against a white feathered chest in the softest downy warmth....holding tight with comfort and love.   I want Zack to feel loved.  I don't think he felt much of anything these past few months.

Yesterday was a tough one.  I have always tried to keep some normalcy for the girls...so yesterday Lucy had friends over.  They trick or treated and then we ordered pizzas for dinner and the kids hung out.  I enjoy the sound of their happy voices laughing and talking...so that was a comfort to me.   Jojo was invited to trick or treat with friends across town.   She came home from school and got ready to go.... I drove her...mindlessly.  But not really mindlessly because I thought about signs...I believe in signs...they exist, you just have to be open to notice.  Zack was being cremated and I was suffering mental agony....the finality of it all....I drove and thought to myself I need to see a sign.  Something to bring me peace.  I looked....nothing.

After dropping Jo off, I had just walked into the house....put my purse and keys down...stood there considering what to do next, and Penny started barking.  I asked her what she sees.....Penny usually barks at deer or some nonsense in the woods.  I love seeing deer in the yard and thought maybe that will be my sign. I started walking over, hoping to see them....Penny beat me to the sliders....barking barking barking.... I was disappointed....I saw no deer.  I started to turn away, knowing how Penny can be a goofball. She kept up her persistent barking so I took another glance, and suddenly....behind the trees....those same trees that will shelter my son....despite the cold steel gray sky, a hot air balloon rose peacefully up.

My body shook and shivered.  Never before has Penny barked at a hot air balloon....never in twenty two months with us.  I would not have noticed that balloon if she hadn't barked to point it out to me.  I have lived here thirteen years....hot air balloons taking off aren't an every day occurrence, and never once have I seen a hot air balloon in these conditions, either.  It was a nasty cold gray fall day, definitely not a blue sky hot air balloon day...There was no blue in the sky at all.    The balloons usually take off at dawn or dusk...not 330 pm.  To see a hot air balloon itself always brings me joy and a reminder of something special.. I had just mentioned that earlier in my October 31 blog post.....but then, on that particular day, when I am so fearful, to be standing there to watch as this balloon rose up behind our property...behind those beautiful trees...that was my sign.  I'm taking it and believing it... keeping it close to my heart. 

 My sign......my peace....my blessing

To Be Continued