"Your emptiness is but the preparation of your being filled,
and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up." - Charles Spurgeon
We buried Zack's ashes yesterday. The funeral home called...the green marble "box" was inscribed and it was ready for us. The day I dreaded.
I had not walked out to the little clearing since the hole was dug....I was afraid to face up to that hole and my feelings seeing it....but I did it. Yesterday wasn't a horrid day. It was tough, but not horrid. Before we went to the funeral home my husband and I took a walk out into the woods. He had done a nice job widening and defining the path. It's all covered with scattered orange and gold leaves now, but we will make it more permanent in the spring next year. The hole was bigger and deeper than I expected but it didn't phase me like I expected. I felt an odd calm. Kind of a "The end"... time to put all the years of hardships behind... finish this tragedy and work toward recuperating and moving forward. I know there will be no exact conclusion but we need to be able to heal...and live.
My husband and I drove in silence to the funeral home. We were shown into an office and a woman brought the green marble box to us. Honestly....I still don't know what words it had on it in gold...I couldn't look closely enough... It did have my son's name on it...I checked that much. I also asked if it would spill if it were knocked over... Penny and all, running through the house knocking things over...that is a morbid thought of mine...but I needed an answer. She didn't flinch. She told me how the ashes are put into it and there is a screw at the bottom. Penny could knock it around all she wanted and nothing would leak. We could have kept the box in the house, but we really felt like out there in the beautiful woods is where Zack belongs.
Next chore will be ordering that headstone. Today I googled for "Head...." and then I killed the browser. I'm going to have to work myself up to that one. Not sure why, but it really horrifies me....I'll have to do some soul searching and figure out what it is about ordering a headstone that is so distasteful when my son is already gone and buried anyway....
Lucy stayed home resting yesterday, but Jojo had chorus after school. It was about 4 pm when I picked her up...I asked her how she was feeling.... I let her know today is the day if she's OK with it. So, the four of us and Penny walked that leaf blanketed windy path under beautiful blue skies at 4 pm to say our goodbyes to our sweet Zack. We brought the stone peace sign, a box of kleenex, and a couple things I printed out to read. The four of us made a somber procession walking through our yard into the woods....except for Penny. She kept trying to make Jojo turn around by biting her leash and tugging the opposite way. She's never been in the woods before and didn't want to go now. Or maybe she was nervous..sensing our apprehension...because we were all a bit frightened by what we were about to do.
I didn't really have a plan....I just wasn't sure how anybody would feel out there...and I had been avoiding a plan. I knew we would feel bad of course, but how bad...? So I figured we'd play it by ear. Zack would have laughed...he was always a procrastinator and threw stuff together - but it always turned out. We used to say he had an angel watching over him....So I hoped his angel was still there watching and this ceremony would turn out, too.
We stood near and watched in silence as my husband placed the green marble box of Zack into the hole and shoveled the brown muddy dirt over it. We could hear voices outside of the woods....carrying through the quiet. I thought maybe they would hear ours, too.
Once the box was buried we each shared a few thoughts...chuckled a little. Read a prayer. I always loved the Prayer of Saint Francis.. probably not funeral appropriate, but I love the message and we needed a prayer...and I didn't want "funeral appropriate" anyway. I was choked up...couldn't read it. Good thing I had bolded it....Lucy read it in her loud clear speech team voice. Then she read the lyrics to "Wish You Were Here"....Zack, at the end, really liked Pink Floyd. Knowing the song is about feeling disjointed from reality, the lyrics kind of fit the theme of this tragedy. And we do wish dearly that he was here... and had been here. We each stood quietly, arms around each other, lost in our own minds and prayers....sharing thoughts and memories....then a tearful Jojo and restless Penny walked back up to the house. Lucy, my husband, and I remained....I was contemplating the finality....suddenly we heard it. The whooshy sound of a hot air balloon being filled.
The three of us just stood and waited.... slowly and peacefully a balloon showed itself behind the tree line..it was white, red and black...it didn't go very high... it drifted left... directed by the gentle wind....then another rose... a bright rainbow colored balloon...this one also followed the same easy leftward path...They never reached a height that could have been viewed from my house....We only saw these because we stood in the middle of the forest...with Zack. Maybe silly, but we were comforted.
We watched them float so dreamily and magically....and Lucy said "Zack always wanted to go up in a hot air balloon"..... I had no idea. She said he used to talk about it with grandma and grandpa when he was young.....
We walked solemnly back up to the house. Jojo told me Dr. K had just phoned. I quickly returned his call....he gave me his condolences...listened to what happened at the end...and told me, "I would consult my attorney"....I did not expect him to say that. But I have felt mad....I was bitter toward "Family Services"...for all the times they did not return my calls...how difficult it always was to reach anybody...for being left out of the doctor appointments a few times, and about them not taking my concern regarding how over-sedated I thought Zack was seriously. I thought that maybe the anger was tricking me out of dealing with the despair, though...so I let those bitter feelings leave me...I needed to grieve....but when Dr. K told me this and why....it fueled my fury. I felt my blood boil.
The medication...the Zyprexa...that medication came with the big thick warning packet from Target - I have picked up a lot of medications over the past year and this one was the scariest... it sure does have incidences of sudden death associated with it. He told me a doctor should have called me back when I let Abby know Monday that I was not comfortable with how drowsy the stuff was making Zack....I told her Monday how he spent the weekend sleeping all day and all night...all weekend....she said she was going to note it for Dr. M....and maybe we'd be able to see Dr M this week vs waiting until the next. I counted on it. The next time I heard from Abby was Wednesday...no call from Dr M. Wednesday Abby told me, unfortunately Dr M was going to be out of the office until next week....I again told her I was worried about how tired Zack was...but I did say I guess it's alright to wait since the voices seem to have quieted... and maybe the drowsiness was something that would wear off....? All his anti psychotic meds caused drowsiness...but this seemed excessive. Dr. K told me a doctor should have been notified of my concern...and Dr K said so what if she was going out of town, another doctor should have contacted me. And when I think back, never was I told about any warnings or side effects of this medication...anything to watch out for....the only way I knew about the sudden death possibility was from reading the package from Target pharmacy, and it seemed like a nonsensical chance in a million since nobody brought up something so important... AND..Dr.K told me that Lilly needs to be notified that our son was on one of their products and died.....How would I have known to do that?? "Family Services" didn't tell me to.... so I wonder how many other people have had loved ones die on this crap and had not known to report it? Sudden death may be more common than one in a million....Maybe we wait until the toxicology reports come in and the coroner reports it to Lilly? I don't know....but Dr. K said Lilly should be contacted and they are required by law to investigate it (I think he said "investigate"..I was stunned by this whole conversation...) We do have to wait for the blood results to come back to us....I do not think Zack took anything else on purpose, but he was psychotic, so I can't be sure until then.
I was livid.... maybe my son's death could have been avoided.....He said "Family Services" is a public agency. They need to be held accountable for this. He told me they should have had steps in place for a doctor to answer to my concerns...these psychotropic medications all carry possibilities for serious side effects.
Then we talked about how badly Zack was janked around by the system. He said Zack really should have been in a state mental hospital for a year.... but he couldn't be...we have private insurance. He talked about how the system is so flawed and fragmented...you can get this service if you have medicaid...you can have this one if you have SSI...if you have private insurance you get this....The conversation renewed that spark in my heart that I need to do something....anything so that Zack's suffering with this ugly disease and his tragic death is not a waste.
The four of us decided to go out to dinner... Zack loved Buffalo wings, so that's what we needed to eat. Then the plan was to spend the evening playing on the Wii....Zack hated Wii, he was a more serious gamer...but we enjoyed ourselves and our memories.
This morning Lucy had to get up early for her speech team competition. She was out the door by 7 am..dressed in her "funeral clothes". I went back to bed.... to mind wander. Mid morning, I received a call from Zack's all time favorite teacher. What a comfort to me that conversation was. It's such a joy talking with people that knew Zack and loved that precious kid....the real Zack.
I am feeling the grace of all the prayers and positive thoughts... I am sure of it. Those prayers are what are pulling me through. The quote above spoke to me today....I have been so low...so mired in despair...and desolate...It has to be the prayers that are filling my heart and lifting me up. To be drained and taken down so far...and now realize the possibility - feel the hope - of one day being replete and alive again is magical.. miraculous, and amazing.
He was loved.....
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