I woke up with a wet pillow. The grief pains come in waves. Yesterday I told my friend they are like labor pains...only these are grief....death pains. They grip the entire top half of my body...clenching it and taking over....I can either go with it, release it, and sob it all out, or hold it tight within me until it passes....leaving me with a calming....peaceful break. I didn't opt to hold it in....I sobbed. It was very dark and quiet...I was alone with my grief and I preferred it that way so I let the grief pains take over me. My husband is aware of my despair and through the day he keeps asking me, "Are you alright?" No. I'm not. I want to be, but I'm not now...and I can't pretend that I am. So, alone with my grief is good.
I thought about how this blog has been a gift to myself. I have reread front to back...and then back to front...and then miscellaneous posts in between. I am trying to get some sort of grasp on what happened.... contain my regrets and my guilt....and convince myself I TRIED. I tried....I only wish.....I needed that happy ending.
Jumbled things entered my head....things like how you should never go to bed angry....you should always hug and say "I love you" when somebody leaves....you should let people know you love them and care....all these things are part of my regrets. I have more time, though, to get it right....just not with Zack.
Silly things...I opened the fridge and there is an avocado staring at me. That avocado I claimed....I told Zack "Do not eat that....that one is mine." I should have let him just have it. It's going to waste now.
I thought how it's funny because I cannot do anything. I cannot focus....I cannot read or watch TV. I watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills four times in a row...and could probably watch it a fifth and still not know what happened. I was never a big fan of housework so that's low on my list to relieve my sorrow....I have done what I have to to get by...but my mind isn't really under my control. I brushed my teeth for almost 15 minutes...I just stood there brushing, forgot what I was doing.... until I caught myself just daydreaming the time away while my toothbrush moved....so what I've been passing my time with is reading the blog and futzing on the computer. That's how Zack spent his scattered brain days away....vegging on the computer. Strange.
As I lay there in the quiet, I let my jumbled mind just wonder.....it brought me memories of my little bear.....thoughts about comments people made yesterday, remembering my fear of sharing the news of Zack's passing....and the horrid anxiety I had worrying about the reactions I was putting myself out to receive....and the peace and some odd sense of closure the sharing brought me.
I also had thoughts and fears about burying Zack. That day is getting nearer.
Yesterday....any time I type that word the song starts going through my head.....it is now. Yeah...Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.....
But yesterday my husband went out to the clearing in the woods. That is how he is coping...he keeps busy. I have a clean kitchen, straightened family room, sorted paperwork...but yesterday he did more work on the path....and he told me he dug a hole. That image so cold and awful...and I think when I see that hole in the ground my guts will shatter. I'm so afraid. And I am afraid of what to say...how to do it. How to pray and make it meaningful for my daughters. We loved Zack so much. I don't want to cheat him or slight his memory. In my wondering mind, when I pray, I ask God to wrap his arms around Zack and hold him tight...let him feel his love... please heal him......and then set him free. I picture a huge fluffy owl with enormous feathery wings....wrapping tightly around a little boy Zack and enveloping that boy against a white feathered chest in the softest downy warmth....holding tight with comfort and love. I want Zack to feel loved. I don't think he felt much of anything these past few months.
Yesterday was a tough one. I have always tried to keep some normalcy for the girls...so yesterday Lucy had friends over. They trick or treated and then we ordered pizzas for dinner and the kids hung out. I enjoy the sound of their happy voices laughing and talking...so that was a comfort to me. Jojo was invited to trick or treat with friends across town. She came home from school and got ready to go.... I drove her...mindlessly. But not really mindlessly because I thought about signs...I believe in signs...they exist, you just have to be open to notice. Zack was being cremated and I was suffering mental agony....the finality of it all....I drove and thought to myself I need to see a sign. Something to bring me peace. I looked....nothing.
After dropping Jo off, I had just walked into the house....put my purse and keys down...stood there considering what to do next, and Penny started barking. I asked her what she sees.....Penny usually barks at deer or some nonsense in the woods. I love seeing deer in the yard and thought maybe that will be my sign. I started walking over, hoping to see them....Penny beat me to the sliders....barking barking barking.... I was disappointed....I saw no deer. I started to turn away, knowing how Penny can be a goofball. She kept up her persistent barking so I took another glance, and suddenly....behind the trees....those same trees that will shelter my son....despite the cold steel gray sky, a hot air balloon rose peacefully up.
My body shook and shivered. Never before has Penny barked at a hot air balloon....never in twenty two months with us. I would not have noticed that balloon if she hadn't barked to point it out to me. I have lived here thirteen years....hot air balloons taking off aren't an every day occurrence, and never once have I seen a hot air balloon in these conditions, either. It was a nasty cold gray fall day, definitely not a blue sky hot air balloon day...There was no blue in the sky at all. The balloons usually take off at dawn or dusk...not 330 pm. To see a hot air balloon itself always brings me joy and a reminder of something special.. I had just mentioned that earlier in my October 31 blog post.....but then, on that particular day, when I am so fearful, to be standing there to watch as this balloon rose up behind our property...behind those beautiful trees...that was my sign. I'm taking it and believing it... keeping it close to my heart.
My sign......my peace....my blessing
To Be Continued
To Be Continued
No comments:
Post a Comment