Friday November 4

Today I feel slightly better.  I'm not sure whether to trust that or not....but I am holding tightly onto it for now.  The waves of grief aren't as strong...it's more just an overall numbness.  I have to thank my friend for her assurance that the grief pain would indeed fade..that gave me such hope.  Two days ago I thought I would die from pain and sorrow so intense.

This morning, I woke up, got Jojo off to school, and went back to bed...just to rest.  I think that's the best thing I'm doing for myself...just letting my mind go to memories...the happy ones in better days....and praying for strength for myself, husband, and my daughters, and peace for Zack. 

I thought I heard a hot air balloon this morning over my house, but I was too tired to go check...and then again I kind of thought it was Penny's snoring.  She gets blamed for those mysterious noises.

Lucy shared something her vision itinerant told her yesterday...It really moved me.  "Grief changes people.  You'll come out the other side of this grief a better person.  Once you've felt it, you've gone to war, seen the war zone...You'll know things and feel things that other people don't.  It will teach you understanding and empathy.  People that never experience a loss have a coldness about them."  I thought that was so wise and comforting.

This morning, the phone rang at 8 am.   It was a debt collector calling for Zack.  The phone wasn't by my bedside...so I just lie there and listened to the message and considered what to do....then it rang again 15 minutes later - same debt collector....no message.   I made my decision.  I called them back.

They had the nerve to put me on hold for five minutes....I was good and ready to talk to them when the rep returned.  She asked for a reference number...Is this for Zachary?  Yes.....I asked them....who is your client?   She only said this is Northwest Collectors... Well who are you collecting for?  It was the fourth floor doctor from the "Specialty Hospital"..(The arrogant ass that who planted the idea in Zack's messed up mind that his substance abuse wasn't bad enough to necessitate help).....Then I knew what I was going to say.

I told her to "Relay this message:  My son is dead....Tell the bastard he is not getting one dime out of us.(he already has the insurance payment)  He is part of the system that killed my son.  He's going to have to suck this one up and say his prayers that I don't sue his dirty ass for the part he played in my son's death.  OK?  So, relay the message, do not call here again, and have yourself a good ol' day."   Click.  And I was proud of myself.

I had to take the phone into the laundry room because Lucy stayed home today.  I didn't want her to know or hear that call.  I'm somewhat ashamed of myself for being proud of myself for being so nasty....but I am disgusted with the system.  The anger squashes the sadness a bit...and that break feels good.

Lucy.... last night she fell to pieces.  She sat at the dinner table and cried...she confessed she can't eat or sleep...she said she never forgot the "real" Zack...and always hoped we'd get him back.   I am so grateful that I have her to remind me who the "real" Zack was, but those sweet memories are tearing her up.  She showed me the business card she came home with...it belonged to the counselor at the high school....the one that loved Zack.  She's actually a licensed clinical social worker.  There was a note with it, offering to help in any way.  So I emailed her.  Lucy won't slow down for fear of missing lessons and having homework build up....falling grades...but I convinced her to stay home and just rest today.  She needs time.

During my morning mind wandering.... I thought about all the appointments, ER visits, hospital visits, rides to and from various groups....the failed quest that I was on to get Zack well....then I thought about the death chores...the cleaning, the calls to the coroner's office, funeral home, insurance companies, arranging the donations...clearing the area and digging the hole.  I did all the life chores, my husband is doing all the death ones.  I'm thankful for that....and a new respect is growing for him.  The resentment is fading....I did what I could and he's doing what he can.   

Today I'm feeling more hopeful and confident that we'll survive this.

To Be Continued.....

  "The pain passes, but the beauty remains".  Renoir