We are past the two week mark. The loss isn't as agonizingly raw today. It's bittersweet and still almost a little surreal. I have to work to avoid any inkling of guilt or what ifs...I know I can let myself go down a terrible path if I allow those damaging feelings fester and grow.
Tuesday was the worst day this week. I woke from a dream that Zack came back alive, we were all ecstatic with the possibility that we had another chance to get him well. We didn't tell him that he had died...we didn't want to scare him...but we planned on getting another doctor opinion and continue the battle against this ugly disease. I felt those old familiar emotions so strong - relief and hope....and then intense panic when I woke up and realized it was all a dream. No second chance.
I had a hair appointment on Tuesday. When I called to make the appointment, I spoke with the lady that has been doing my hair for years....I told her what happened on the phone because I didn't want to be caught off guard, in the salon, by her casually asking me, "How is Zack doing?" She was shocked at the news. At one point we were the only people in the salon. I felt comfortable sharing the details, so they poured out. She was great...supportive and kind. Everybody has been. That's another thing I've learned from this tragedy...a new level of kindness. I've received it from friends, lost and re-found friends, and even strangers. I keep reminding myself how blessed I am and taking comfort in that knowledge.
I had planned on taking Jojo to dance class, but my appointment ran longer than expected and in order to get to dance we would really have had to hustle. It was a cold rainy dark day.... Neither of us was in hustle mode, so we skipped dance...again. Our continued absences had been noticed...I received a call inquiring where we've been.... I told them, "My son passed away"....and they were so sorry and kind. Told us to take all the time we need... asked how old he was...He had just turned twenty one... didn't realize I had a son that old...He never came with to class or recitals....How are you? How is Jojo? Bad. But that was Tuesday. Today, Friday, we are all not as bad.
All four of us are experiencing those "Zack is back" type dreams. Maybe that's a common occurrence due to continued hope. I'd like to think it's due to hope and not disbelief...or denial. Hope is definitely a strong emotion. Hope carried me through all these years of struggle with my son. At this point, I believe we've all accepted the loss. Jojo cried Wednesday night at bedtime and shared that she didn't sleep well the night before because she dreamed about Zack. I asked her..."Good dreams?"...Yes. She told me she dreamed he was in the kitchen, making himself some food....and it's hard to believe he is gone.
Lucy wound up staying home until Wednesday. She slept and rested...She needed that time. Her teachers have been understanding. Jo had the day off on Tuesday due to teacher meetings. Wednesday was my first day alone in the house. It was a little quiet, slow, and even creepy. I'm not completely ready to jump back into the magic making Disney vacation planning gig....so I felt lonely and bored. My friends texted me, called me, kept me company long distance...but the house was so silent. Once in a while blustery trees and outside sounds or Penny and her snoring or barking broke the stillness, but it was strange to be here alone for the first time in so long...I think it was the first time since last fall, really.
Yesterday I dragged myself out of the house. I went and shopped....tried to keep busy - I have housework to do but I preferred a more enjoyable "busy".
Zack's drivers license came to us by mail the other day. It showed up, alone, in an envelope from the Secretary of State office. I put it in the cigar box along with the bic lighter I found in the laundry room.
Bill collectors continue to call and leave messages for Zack.
We are waiting for those toxicology reports. They could be in any time now. I would appreciate closure, but it may never come. We need a "cause of death" on the death certificate, though.
Plans and thoughts on some sort of memorial party, get-together type event, have crossed our minds and come up in discussion. I would love to do something mid December...Christmas season is so special. I'd like to celebrate Zack's life during one of the most beautiful times of the year.
Now, when I see things that remind me of Zack I don't crumble. I allow myself to feel the grief...and then I force a small smile on my face. Try and twist that sorrow into good memory sorrow. I don't want to ever forget Zack..or ignore the feeling of loss...so if I can paste a little smile on, at least I'm telling myself - a secret promise - that someday that smile will come naturally when I think of my wonderful son.
To Be Continued.....
"Peas and carrots, peas and carrots..."
Zack center front. Men's Choir 2006 Christmas Concert
I was pretty young when my brother died, a little younger than JoJo is now, and I remember having dreams that it had all been a dream and everything was okay. I think that's perfectly normal. Thinking of you.
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