Monday November 7

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,

but it also brings music to my ears" - Anonymous

It was a long weekend....even without Zack here with us.  I think it was longer with him gone.  The days dragged....and adding that one extra hour made Sunday noticeably more drawn out. 

Saturday Jojo went over to the neighbor's house to play.  She put a few kleenex in her pocket "just in case".   She spent the afternoon over there with her friends. I think that was good for her.  A little escape.

Lucy....lucy had her speech team meet on Saturday.  The first of the season and her first ever.  She wore her funeral clothes - in reality they look like classy business attire - and she shone.  She did a "prose" type speech, of a passage from "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn".  My favorite.  When she popped in the door at 320pm after her boyfriend dropped her off, she was so excited.  She placed 5th in varsity.  She is only a sophomore...she scored one of the highest on her school's team.   She was really anxious about this speech thing because she was sitting in speech team practice when my husband called her to let her know about Zack.  She was considering quitting...all the reliving the memories of that horrible day....I talked her into just giving it another week to let the time pass and the horrible fade a little...so glad it worked out and she had a positive experience.  She's looking forward to the next meet with a little less trepidation.  

Later in the afternoon, we sent Lucy over to the neighbor's house to get Jojo.  My husband wanted all of us to go out to dinner.   When Jo came home she said our neighbors asked what happened at our house...all the emergency vehicles....I don't really know the neighbors - for as long as we've lived here we really never spoke more than friendly quick words in passing...We wave and the kids play, but half our neighborhood goes to a different school district than we do.   And everybody has large yards....we all enjoy our space and our privacy.   Jojo answered the kids' parents about what happened.  They cried.   They knew Zack....Lucy said everybody in the neighborhood knew Zack.  They all liked him so much.  I didn't realize......

The four of us went out....had a fake good time at the restaurant.  I would have preferred to just stay in my pajamas for the day into evening, but when all was said and done, it was nice to get out.  At dinner, my husband was trying too hard to be cheerful.  The obvious effort got annoying for the three of us who were all feeling gloomy... We let him know that his cheer was dragging us down lower....so he stopped the act.  

Sunday our neighbors pulled into our driveway to deliver a huge Edible Arrangement fruit basket.   The kids brought it up to the front door.... I smiled and thanked them and told them it was beautiful and we'd enjoy it....and then I looked past them to see their mom standing there....crying.   I cried.  She blew a kiss and mouthed, "Sorry".  I seem to be able to ignore the sorrow until I see it in someone else...then it comes right on up full strength to choke me.  I'm not sure what to think about that.  I'm worried that ignoring it is not a good thing...but I have to ignore it in order to function.

Jojo had a chorus concert Sunday afternoon.  "The Festival of the Voice".  She told me she was singing an English song of Joy.  I was looking forward to that....anticipating allowing the music to brighten my mood....but then somehow we missed the boat on getting tickets....I thought I would be able to purchase them at the box office.  No.  They were sold out.  No brightened mood for me.   Although after the concert, my husband and I took Jojo out for ice cream.  Ice cream is a decent picker upper.  Short term.   

Lucy didn't want to leave the house on Sunday.  She relaxed and slept.  When we returned home, though, I called up to her...she came into the hallway to talk to me and she fainted.  That was scary.  My husband was outside dealing with taking the trash to the road, Jojo and I ran upstairs yelling, "Lucy!!!".....she passed out, bumped her head on the balcony railing, her glasses were lying on the floor -  unbroken....and as she woke up she asked, "Where am I?" and my heart thudded......this is getting even more overwhelming.  I am so afraid for her.  She's fifteen....I can't force feed her... but I've been trying this past ten days.  She stayed home today and spent another day just recovering, recuperating, and relaxing.

I was secretly glad she was home with me.  My husband went back to work today.....I was going to be alone for the first time.  I was nervous....  Jojo just informed me she has no school tomorrow.  What a relief.  Lucy is going to school, but if it's too difficult she said she wants to stay home on Wednesday.  She told me tonight that she always thought Zack would bounce back out of this disease.  He was always resilient....a cat with nine lives.....this is so hard to conceive.  He is GONE.   His life is over.  I saw it.... I felt it....but I still cannot always believe it.  I am surviving in a daze, going through life motions...taking it hour by hour until one day the fog will hopefully lift and reveal something better. 

I tried to keep busy....made a nice breakfast for Lucy and me, cleaned the kitchen, took down the Halloween decorations I just put up, did a load of laundry, walked Penny.... Penny has really come through for me.  She's earned her Newfie status.  She has been my constant close shadow and companion...whether working, typing, sleeping...she's been my pal and my comfort.   

Halloween decorations....I kept some fall ones up around the house, but I wanted to put the witches and jack-o-lanters away.  I went to the basement for my big blue storage bin...clearly marked "Halloween"....it was heavy.  It should have been light - and empty.  I pulled the cover off of the bin to find Zack's computer games and other items staring at me.  I actually gasped out loud with the shock of it.  But also, right on top, was the pretty wooden cigar box...the one that held Zack's twenty first birthday present.  I ran my hands over it.  I had never touched it before...just admired it from afar, it is nice wood, has some neat shiny details, labels and logos...and I smelled it.  The wood had a faint spicy scent....but when I opened it, that's when it hit me.  It smelled like Zack did for a few days in September.  I took the box upstairs and set it on a side table in the family room.  I don't have much in the way of trinkets or momentos to remember him by.  His stuff, along with his personality, was gone a while back.  I found a black bic lighter in the laundry room the other day...but his special belongings have been missing for over a year. 

Despite keeping busy, today I was overwhelmed with guilt...and what ifs.  I want him back.  Why didn't I run up to his room to wake him earlier?  Why did I let him sleep so late?  Why?  But deep inside me I know the answer to "why?"..I don't need to keep asking myself  "why?" ..I had things to do and regretfully it was easier for me if he wasn't in my way....  I am going to have to work that knowledge out in my mind and heart....and live with it forever.  Guilt stings and hurts even through the numb daze.  

To Be Continued.....

 Buddies