Our Beloved Zack

Thoughts and memories...

These past few years really drained me....they drained me of so much of myself...but also my sweet memories of my beautiful boy.  My most recent and vivid memories are of police officers showing up while I was outside with Penny, asking me if Zack lived here.... or of Zack yelling and swearing at me, insisting I said something derogatory to him - which I never said... or of him asking us for crucifixes so that he could ward off demons that were destroying his car and his room.  But there was so much more to this kid....so much.  

I wanted to add... with so many people reading this blog...people that never knew my son, and will only see his disease...He was wonderful.   Before this ugly disease struck him down, he was the most amazing, creative, funny, sweet kid.  My daughters, husband, and I had a fantastic talk tonight about our memories.

I was cooking dinner tonight and Lucy came down to the kitchen looking so heartsick...she told me she was having a bad day....we hugged.   She shared that she had started writing down her memories of Zack and she was up to three pages already.  This thrilled me... my mind is so foggy...and the past few years... I only wish they were foggy.   She told me she started writing the day Zack died...and she said whenever the sorrow comes to her, she writes down the good things.  Special simple things that a silly devoted big brother would say or do with an adoring little sister.  As she started telling me things they shared between them, something in me lifted.....the kid I was grieving for was so different than the one she was grieving for.  Her Zack is the loving kind sweet soul....the true Zack.  Not the schizophrenic Zack.

Some funny things she told me.....

He told her years ago that when she is sixteen the two of them would go on a road trip down south and see some neat things.....     That made me cry.....

He used to babysit for the girls when my husband and I would go out on a date here and there... they LOVED when he babysat.  He would make them popcorn with tons of melted butter, introduce them to new movies - he got Jojo hooked on the Yellow Submarine, and Lucy on a cartoon version of The Hobbit.... he would play games with them....and the funniest thing - he would fill up a tupperware with ice water and the person who could keep their hand in it the longest got to choose the movie for the night.  I never knew... but Lucy laughed about it as she told me....it was their little secret. 

She told me how he would glare at anybody that stared at her white cane or glanced at her oddly....

He was always careful what the girls were exposed to...language or tv shows.  He sheltered them.

He would sit in between Jojo and Lucy in the back seat of the car so he could answer to any of their needs.  Jojo was terrible in her car seat...Zack would goof with her and take her mind off her misery. 

She laughed about the time in Walt Disney World when the three of them waited in line for Tower of Terror...Zack holding both their hands the entire line, only to have Jojo chicken out as soon as they were getting on the ride... he got all three of them off, walked Jojo back to my husband and me and took Lucy back to the line.....then Lucy chickened out at boarding.... He was such a good sport about it... got off with Lucy.  He loved his sisters and protected them.  I remember laughing and telling him he should have dumped Lucy on the cast member and said "wait here" and rode alone...but he was appalled I would say that...even in jest.  His sisters were precious to him.

She let me know how he had friends everywhere.  Everybody loved Zack.  That was true.  He was charismatic...and so charming and nice.  Never judgmental of anyone.  Everywhere we went people knew him.  He was such a sweet soul...he would always open doors for people and he'd be the first to offer help to an older person.  Lucy said he'd offer to carry grocery bags out to cars.....yes he would.  I had forgotten.  He wasn't afraid to talk to strangers...he could talk to anyone about anything.... and make them feel so important and respected..and turn them into friends.

His sense of creativity was fun... for Halloween in fifth grade he was a sandwich board walker... The front said "Eat at Joe's" and the back had a ridiculous menu of gross foods... he wore a black fuzzy mustache and a black derby hat..... the next year he was a door to door salesman in an old suit, hat, mustache and brief case...he put his treats in the briefcase... he was so clever.

Lucy's friends are all heartbroken over Zack's passing....they have memories of him, too....He would try to teach the kids how to dive, push them on the tire swing, teach them how to squirt water through their fists, lead games at birthday parties.   He was a big brother to all the little kids that played here.  They all adored him.

His sense of humor....oh that kid was a riot.  The girls reminded me how we used to just laugh hysterically at dinner from the stories he would tell.... and he was fantastic at doing accents.... he was just the life of the party anywhere he went.

He was the chorus president in high school..... but then Lucy showed me "Peas and carrots" quietly mouthed...because Zack joked that that's all you had to do to be on chorus... silently mouth "Peas and carrots" so it appeared you were singing along.... what a goof.  We laughed remembering that one...

Both girls brought up how he would run down the hallways in a hotel with his hands above his head, flailing...just to be a goofball and crack them up...every trip he would do this at least once....

From the time he was about 8 years old and Lucy was two one of the things they both looked forward to the most on Disney trips was after a day at the parks, Zack would go down to the arcade and win prizes for his little sister.  She would wait up in her pajamas excitedly and expectantly wondering what Zack would present her with before bed.  Little trinkets he chose for her....always something special...and even more so because he selected them.

His teachers adored him for his charm and wit and intelligence....even though he did poorly in school....he was a GOOD kid... polite, smart, and fun.  The teachers appreciated him.

He was the best at computer games....always winning...at Epcot he beat all the adults repeatedly at some Innoventions computer demo.  He helped the girls with any game they played.  He always had time and patience with them.

Whenever the three kids would get an invite to sleep over at their grandparents' house, the girls would be nervous, unless Zack was going to go too.  Lucy's words to me were "Zack knows how to take care of us".....he did.  He always looked out for those two darlings.  They felt loved and secure under his watch.

There are so many things.....Zack was just such a kind loving spirit.  The renewed realization of this feels good,  but brings it home harder....what a terrible shameful waste this disease caused...and his tragic death was.

I am heartsick...I miss that wonderful kid desperately.

 They know they were lucky girls to have had such a brother... 

They miss him dearly

To Be Continued....