Benedictus
Benediction....closing prayer.
This music has been on my ipod for a couple years...I never stopped to listen to it once in all that time. The other night I was in the kitchen, making the girls their lunches, had busy hands, and "Benedictus" came on my ipod...My thoughts were wondering and I allowed it to play through...peaceful and sad...it fit my mood and I was glad I had those sticky peanut butter hands that weren't able to be tempted into forwarding the music to something more upbeat. I didn't even know the title...but I let it sooth my mind and remind me of Zack as I peeled apples and put chips into baggies.
The sorrowful music was the perfect accompaniment for my pensive thoughts and emotions...and as I listened to it I had flash images of Zack through the years. His dark brown eyes, his smile, his thick dark wavy hair... goofing with his little sisters, laughing with his friends, making us laugh so hard at dinner, swimming and diving like a fish, Zack in the kitchen cooking some of his "specialties" for us - the "toad in the hole" he learned how to make in middle school "life skills" class and his mega spicy pasta salad - He also made the most fabulous pizza from scratch...and the girls agree nobody knew how to cook potstickers like Zack did. I pictured him sitting at his computer, composing his techno music, gaming with his friends, getting dressed up for a date.....There was so much more to our Zack than the mentally ill one - the one still so prominent on the surface of my memory.
Zack wrote me a poem years ago...titled "I am"....it was a beautiful, simple poem describing who Zack was ...For years it sat framed on my desk. The poem went mysteriously missing a while back. Just suddenly gone. That poem was special to me. I remember my panic when I noticed it's disappearance. I searched behind, under, in baskets, on shelves...no luck. The "I am" poem was gone. I always thought that was the strangest thing....I guess Zack didn't care for it or didn't want a reminder of who "he was". I wish I had that poem....I cared for it...and I do want a reminder of who he was.
Over the past three weeks I have had such vivid, crystal clear dreams of Zack when he was younger. I don't usually remember my dreams but I do recall snatches of bits and pieces of my recent Zack dreams. They seem so real. The other night, the only thing I remembered of my Zack dreams was of years ago, when he had a short haircut - a fuzzy buzzy cut - In my dream I rubbed his soft head.
The four of us have come a long way over the past three weeks. But we are definitely each dealing with the loss differently. I guess that's a good thing. We're not all sitting around depressed and crying. Sometimes we laugh together..other times we are all quiet together, but we are getting through it together.... and on our own.
"Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows, which show like grief itself"
William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare
I saw that quote earlier today, printed on a brochure about coping with grief. Now that is something to ponder.
To Be Continued....
My Peanuts 2003
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