This morning I woke up early again...in the quiet dark. I could have let the grief pains take me where they would, but I stayed quiet and calm...yet maybe that's where they did take me...to just mind wondering and remembering. I have to say....I think this is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. The original comforting numbness is wearing off. I am feeling the pain deeper each day....more solidly. Heavy. It drags me down. I just want to sleep....and it's not that I'm feeling depressed...this is different...I'm just weary and tired....and heartbroken.
I worry now about the girls and their days and their suffering. Lucy said last night she is concerned about her grades. She thinks she failed a Spanish quiz last Friday.... At first, when she insisted she had to go to school on Friday I thought OK...we are all going to handle the pain of this experience differently....but seeing her last night so despondent and clutching to the memories and the sharing, I am realizing how difficult the loss of her brother has actually been on her..... I worry for her. She has so many recollections....good fun special memories...things to smile about when we're ready. But right now those special memories can be taunting....
She questioned me why her (ex) friend (who was so hateful to her) gets to keep her nice brother and she has to lose hers....I don't have any answer...I just reminded Lucy that she still has a precious sister. Lucy and Jojo have each other. I am so blessed that I have them. Today Lucy is going to try and tell her teachers that her brother passed away last week. She said she needs to....she can't concentrate on her school work right now....she has to focus on her grief....
Jojo stayed home from school yesterday. Her misery comes and goes. She and Zack were ten years apart. He doted on her when she was young, but she was about six or seven when our struggles with Zack began...Jojo shares more of my memories than Lucy's. I was grateful that last night we were able to remind each other of the true Zack....the healthy happy beautiful kid he was before this ugliness took him down.
I now have a clean and organized laundry room, clean kitchen, straightened family room, something was vacuumed while I napped...laundry was sorted...groceries were purchased....my husband even wanted to start renovating a bathroom.... He is going to break. I worry about him. Yesterday he cleared out Zack's room...He said he had to get in there and deal with it all before he couldn't. I understand. I cannot go in Zack's room....I told him I'm not sure I'll ever be able to again. He understands. My husband has made all the necessary calls and arrangements and been the leader and our rock through this.
I accidentally found myself at my other blog. My fun Disney one...The last entry...March 31, 2011. As I read through it, I honestly wondered to myself..."Who was that person?" The author didn't sound like ME. "She" sounded happy, light, ready for - and anticipating fun....a stranger. But then, "she" mentioned it being spring break.....That was the beginning of our scary spiraling downward nightmare... I remember sitting in my office the end of March...I could have even been composing that entry...Jojo and I were supposed to have a special day together...but instead we had to stay home and babysit her stoned brother. I recall phoning a pharmacist friend to ask about the cough medicine that Zack had drugged himself up with..... I remember that Zack... I made him sit with me as I called... questioning him on how much he took...what he took....keeping him here with me under my watch. What a difference seven months makes....I was a different me. And seven months before March 31, 2011 Zack was a different Zack. Today I'm afraid... afraid of where the next seven months will take us.
Memories.....
Easter....probably 2003...Zack and his bunny, Mr. Whiskers, Jojo and Lucy
Puerto Rico 2003 - Zack loved Puerto Rico and asked if we had plans to ever go back....
We should have made some
Puerto Rico....hiking in the rain forest
Zack and his pride and joy, Mr. Whiskers
To Be Continued.....
Channing,
ReplyDeleteI think when something *really* bad happens in your life, you have the kind of fear that you talk about in your post. It's like when people say "I can't imagine..." I always think to myself "well, I CAN imagine the worst thing...and I do." It's like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. BUT, things will get easier. With time, with distance, the pain will be less raw. It's not that it will get better, because you will always have lost a child, but it will be less like someone *just* chopped off your arm with an axe and more like someone chopped off your arm with an axe, but, hey, even though I don't have an arm, at least it isn't spurting blood anymore.
Thinking of you.