My husband moved the furniture out of Zack's room and into the garage last night. Over a week ago, he called to make the arrangements for the furniture to be donated. I knew today was the day....last night I had second thoughts. It seems so soon....but he pointed out that somebody else who needs it can use it. Maybe getting rid of everything brings some sort of closure for him. I haven't been in or peeked into Zack's room since October 27. I really don't ever foresee myself going in there again. Kind of peculiar maybe...but we don't need the space and I can't wrap my mind around feeling alright enough with what I saw that day to ever want to badly enough. I have to walk toward his room any time I head toward my own. I evade even a glance at his closed door.
My husband told me the only thing left in Zack's room is his gumball machine. It's a huge one - the type in stores with large gumballs for a quarter, where the gumball swirls down and out. They are all stale and hard now, though. My father gave that gumball machine to Zack when he was about 8 years old. Zack used to charge everybody for gumballs, save the quarters, and buy himself fun little boy stuff. The girls and I laughed about that the other night. He was always an entrepreneur, full of money making ideas....like the time he bought cases of Monster at Costco, brought them to school, and sold cans at lunch and during passing periods in high school. The kids would pay $5 and up for a can. Then as business grew, Zack "paid" friends with a can of Monster so they would carry cans through the hallways and sell, too. He had a good thing going for a few weeks until a Dean called him into his office....the high school had a contract with Coke. No other products allowed. He nixed Zack's growing business...but Zack laughed about it because he could tell the Dean had a little amused grin about the whole thing. I think there may have been some admiration there.
I hope in a few years we aren't sorry we gave away almost all of Zack's belongings....I know some people leave the room the same, so I am a little hesitant about my husband's hasty decision. The current room just didn't reflect our Zack to us, I guess. It was the room of a dull mentally ill person. Not the Zack we need to keep in our hearts. I don't even know what he did with Zack's nice computer..or his ipod..I forgot to ask. I'd like to save his ipod as it was..loaded with the music that was important to Zack. I think it calmed or out-noised his scattered mind.
We are still waiting for those toxicology reports....and a call from the county mental health board. I cannot wait to write them a scathing letter. I am itching to...and like the collection agency leaving me on hold, the longer I have to wait, the more prepared I am going to be to let it all out. Some things I want to include are not only their disturbing failure to return my call... the EFFORT it always took to get a return call from "Family Services", the fact that I mentioned twice to Abby my concerns with how sedated Zack was on the doubled meds.....and no doctor bothered to call me back until a week and a half later - a week after he died....the time TAPS wanted to kick Zack out after one week in their group...the times Dr M saw Zack without letting me know - despite the fact that they all considered him "severely mentally ill"....the way "Family Services" brushed us off to Pioneer Center's groups like they'd be our saving grace....and then Sandy from Pioneer gauged Zack as "not group appropriate"....and there was nothing they can do for him - go away and hope the medication works and then he can be reassessed....the sick comment by Sandy from Pioneer Center that if Zack is too big a burden for us at home I can always drop him off at a homeless shelter. That disgusting comment makes me feel ill even now because sadly I am certain that some families do drop their mentally ill loved one off at a homeless shelter...they may have to because the burden IS too big....The way all the services in this county kept passing us around on some fruitless pointless quest for help....that doesn't exist.
Lucy is mad. She is angry that her brother "was wronged".....she will never get to go on that promised road trip. She told me Zack talked about wanting to take her, once she turned sixteen, and show her as much of the country as he could....because she is losing her sight. He told her if he had money they would go to Europe and "do it big"....she was counting on that trip with her brother...and seeing those neat sights. She was also counting on her kids having a fun uncle...Zack was fantastic with little kids. Kids adored him....he would have been a wonderful uncle. She is going to write an informative speech or a poem about mental illness and schizophrenia. Awareness...that's what we need to promote....We all lived these past nine months in quiet shame because of the stigma of mental illness and the mistaken scary connotations that accompany with the creepy word "schizophrenia"...I still haven't figured out the best way to honor Zack's memory...but I have been praying on it...and I have faith that something will come to me.
Our Thanksgiving trip is still on hold. Lucy's high school football team keeps winning....she wants to be there, part of the excitement if the team goes to state playoffs...so we wait until Saturday the 19th to either pack or rearrange our trip for possibly a Christmas getaway. Jojo really wants to go to Disney World. I want to make it happen for her. We need to make new happy family memories.
Today was only my second day home alone. Lucy has missed several days dealing with her grief. Jojo missed a couple but she has been a trooper. I think for Jojo it's important to keep busy. I have noticed with myself that the only way to function is to keep myself occupied....almost avoid the depressing thoughts...but then I'm not sure if that's such a healing way to deal with the loss....the pain still comes to me in waves, though. It manages to find a way to sneak in. Yesterday I went shopping....As I browsed the Christmas things, it hit me that I'd be shopping to fill only two stockings this year....no search for the perfect flavored hot cocoas or hot sauces... no extra large bottle of Tabasco needed....Zack had his favorite candies, too. The sadness seeps in little by little but it recedes, now, too.
I still worry about the girls and how they are dealing with the loss of their brother. I have such amazing friends in my life, texting me, calling me, messaging me daily, checking up on me.... just being there.... I don't think the girls have the same support. Their friends don't know how to comfort them. My husband doesn't talk to friends about the loss, either....
Well..this got interrupted...I took Jojo to dance. Thankfully nobody was there to have to talk to. The ladies that run the place were so sweet to me, though....had a card for us. Said kind words.....
Tonight I was able to secure a fabulous rate on a cruise during our planned Thanksgiving trip dates. I modified the WDW hotel reservation and added a four night sailing on the Disney Dream. The girls were so disappointed that we had to cancel our October cruise due to Zack's illness....this availability was like a miracle. They rarely have discounted travel agent rates on the Dream....I grabbed it, told Lucy her football (maybe) playoffs would have to happen without her. We need fun. We are going on our Thanksgiving getaway.
To Be Continued....
December 2006
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