Writing this is so difficult for me. At first this blog was intended to just be a release... a cathartic venture....now it's so painful but I have to finish it... and make a "The End". In the past year, as we struggled and never seemed to win even any small battles, I did have many premonitions that this thing would not come to a happy ending....but I also thought that was my negativity and bitterness about the situation blocking any possible light shining at the end of the tunnel....this reality that I'm in now....it's almost unbelievable.
Last Thursday afternoon...as the house quieted, Lucy, Jojo, my husband, and I sat on Jojo's bed holding each other...and I said, "I want him cremated and his ashes put in a beautiful place"....Lucy said, "Disney World".... I kind of chucked but told her "No....that's not allowed." Both girls chimed in and said they do not want him in a cold cemetery...I was happy with that. I told them, "I was thinking out in our beautiful woods." I was remembering the days I spent outside all summer soaking up the peace of the sound of wind blowing through those trees, seeing hot air balloons rise like blessings behind those trees, watching the miracle yearly as their colors change from summer green to reds and golds....and then the photo of those trees coated in the snows of winter that I posted here a few weeks ago....with hope that maybe by winter Zack will be well. I want to be able to see the seasons change and know he's there...always near us, and surrounded by beauty.
The girls loved that idea....and Lucy added that she knew just where in the woods. We moved here when the kids were young. Lucy was two and Zack was eight. They would wander the woods in search of adventure and treasure. One treasure they stumbled upon was a ramshackle tree fort. Zack would climb high in the old oak and look down at the world....Lucy was too little. He would wave, look down, and say "Hi, Lucy!" from up above...Lucy said he rigged her up something down below, on the ground, so she wouldn't be left out of the fort fun. And there was a "moat" that he put a plank bridge over so she could reach the tree fort island She thought so much of that effort she remembers it all these years later. I loved the idea. Zack was such a happy bouncy boy and such a thoughtful big brother.
Friday we went to the funeral home to make our arrangements. We ordered a marble vault for his ashes. She asked me what color, showed me the samples, and I knew right away. Dark green. Green has always been Zack's favorite color.
We walked out to the little tree fort clearing on Saturday. It's about fifty feet into the woods...following a windy path. The small clearing is under the big old oak...there are birch trees and others...it's lovely and peaceful. You can look up to the beautiful sky above so maybe I'll be able to plant some flowers in the spring....my husband is going to make the path more of a permanent walkway with either wood chips or gravel...and we plan to order a granite headstone in memory of our beautiful boy.
Typing that out gave me a panic feeling. I am really still half in disbelief. When I talk about it, I hear wonder in my voice.... can this be real? Every step we take toward the ending is painful....because it clarifies the truth for me. My sweet son is gone for good. No chance of getting well....no Christmas, no seeing Disney World again....no college, no girlfriend, no pizza delivery.....Zack is dead. His dreams are dead....
We will go through the steps this week...struggling to process this reality.... I know we'll get through it and be alright in time. Thank you to all my wonderful friends that have been here for me..and continue to be. Everybody asks..."What can I do?" "How can I help?"....honestly there is nothing. It's just a comfort knowing I have you all...and your prayers. I felt them before, I hope I do again.
Like a blessing rising up ...a sign of something special
To Be Continued.......
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