Wednesday, August 31

I need to get in a groove with my days.   The girls will both be out of the house by 7 am now.  Jojo's bus pick up time was changed.  

Today was Jojo's first full day of school.... After dropping Zack off at his group, I finished up what I had to here at home and then got out.  The quiet was deafening.   I ran my errands, shopped a bit for fun, and tried to keep busy out of the house.  I put my ipod on when I was home and did some housework.  Keeping moving and distracted from the silence. 

Nothing new as far as Zack...talking to himself in his car...showered four times today because the warden is out of town...asked me for fifty cents for a cigar....why does that price fluctuate so much?...he's eating like a horse...he eats everything - it's unbelievable.... head on the table in group today...not sure why the table was back...but it was, and Zack told me he was happy about that.   He doesn't care what is going on, or what they are supposed to be learning.   I wonder if  "Family Services" will keep him longer than the six weeks most people go to the TAPS group.  Originally Courtney and Abby had acted like he could be in the group indefinitely...but now that he's made it so clear that he is not a willing participant, they might just get him out as soon as possible and end it with the six weeks.  At that time he would go into their substance abuse group.   That group meets only three days a week for three hours each day.  He needs more time out of his room than that.  He probably needs more substance abuse support than a part time schedule, too.   I have concerns but I am trying to take it day by day.  It's just so good that he is cooperating and getting up, showered, ready, and going without an argument. 

I want to write an entry every day - at least one..so sorry this is very brief.  I am wiped out tired and just can't think.  I'll catch up tomorrow.  

Thanks for reading along.

To Be Continued.......

 I hope I remember to say "Rabbit Rabbit" tonight... I need the luck

Tuesday, August 30th

Another quick entry for now... I've been so busy with Jojo's first day of school,  housework, and running the girls around to their extra curricular activities.  I haven't had time to dwell on my problem of Zack.  Definitely a good thing...but once the girls get into their routines...and we settle with a pattern....things will slow down and I'll have time to dwell....

Everybody starts the day very early here now - so thank God Zack is sleeping through the night and the girls are getting a decent night of sleep.  That's been the magic of the little white Saphris pill.   Lucy has been able to hitch rides to school with her boyfriend at 640 am... so much better than a 6 am bus pick up.  Jojo caught her 720am bus this morning - no trouble.  I think she was filled with first day excitement and adrenaline.   Trouble will probably start in a few weeks, as the weather becomes cooler...and darker.  Today, Jojo started  6th grade at a new school.  I can't believe my "baby" is a middle schooler.  

When I picked Zack up today after his group he seemed more lucid.....He was with me.  I really think being among people is a good thing for him - even though he doesn't enjoy it whatsoever.  He rarely speaks to us...just quietly comes and goes out of the house..back in.. roams to the kitchen... back up to his room.  Wordlessly.  But today, after his TAPS group, he got in the car, said "How are you doing?"....and was open to chat for a minute.  I asked him how it went....what did you all talk about?  He made the whoosh over the head sign.  OK so maybe he's still not their star pupil, participating and involving himself...but he definitely seems more aware of reality when he's been out of his room for a few hours...so that's an important reason for him to continue spending five hours a day in the group.   I asked him if he managed to keep his head off the table today..he said there was no table today.  And he kind of chuckled about that......forced sitting up...facing people.  No napping.  No closing himself off.  He found humor in that today.  I found a bit of relief today....and a tiny hope creeped into me.

Lucy and Jojo are so close even though not in age.  They are 3.5 years apart...but such good friends.  I feel so blessed and lucky about that.  They are two very different girls, but they appreciate the differences in each other and I make a point to love them for who they are as individuals and never compare one to the other.  There is no rivalry between them.  I feel bad Zack has nobody.  Maybe if he had a sibling closer in age he would find his way out of his solitude....if he had somebody here with a common interest.  Somebody to game with, talk to, spend time with.   But that's just the what ifs.  He'd probably still be in his room alone...making the sibling feel ignored and dejected.  

It's so strange how Zack can be so almost himself for brief snapshots in time...then suddenly, he's gone.  Back in his own head.  His own thoughts and world. 

REM came on the stereo as we left "Family Services"... I asked Zack if he still likes REM and he answered with a few sentences about how he does and they are "still cool"....After that quick conversation, we drove in silence, listening to "Bang and Blame" for the rest of the short drive home.   As soon as we pulled into the driveway Zack was looking to open the car door...he was in a rush to sit in his car...alone, and enjoy a smoke.  And I was impressed that he did manage to remember to save a couple cigarettes for this afternoon and evening. 

He took his shower....and then he made some pasta. 

Things are looking up for the moment.

To Be Continued.......

  A day of firsts... Jojo started middle school...and Zack saved cigarettes for afternoon and evening

Monday, August 29th

Quick post today......

Late yesterday afternoon Zack asked me, while looking all wide eyed and petrified...but without the adrenaline I'd think a petrified person would have..he looked terrified but calm....for a dollar to buy a cigar.   He just cannot pace himself on the half pack of cigarettes a day.  I had to be tough and tell him no.  If I gave him the dollar... a couple hours later he'd want another.  I've been soft with him before and soft doesn't benefit him.  Soft is only a quick fix. He has no self restraint.

Soon after I told him no dollar, I saw him out in the yard walking slowly...looking at the ground.  He went from the front yard all around to the back, to the shady area near the woods.  Slowly hunting for something hidden in the grass....I watched him circle around searching....he didn't seem to find what he was looking for until he came around to the front again, bent, and picked something.  At that moment I burst out of the house and confronted him....I knew what he did.

This just blows my mind...who would have thought that kids would be eating "magic mushrooms" - picked from wherever they find them -  to get a high?  I would have NEVER thought to put some funky weird wildly grown fungus in my mouth... in my body....brain.  But it's common now.... just have to google and you'll find chat forums about them...how tos.  It's disgusting.   I called him out on it and of course, as expected he denied it.  I am full of it.  I'm the ridiculous one...I'm over reacting.

Jojo was home..she knew what he did.  It's not right that an 11 year old has to worry about her brother dying.  Possibly killing himself by eating crap he picks in the yard, on a quest for his high.  She went and googled and looked up information on poisonous mushrooms.  That's just not something a little sister should have to be concerned with.  It makes me ill that he has brought this nastiness into his sisters' lives.  

And I am so aggravated with that kid for constantly sabotaging himself.  I just don't understand it - I don't know if the addiction to substances is THAT BAD that he cannot not drug himself up...or is it the schizophrenia? Does he just not get it- that he's making the disease worse?  Can he not rationalize on any level that what he is doing is killing his mind?  He is doing damage to himself.  We see it.   There seems to be no stopping him.  He has no self control - he will do what he wants to himself.  He'll find a way to get that high no matter the restrictions placed on him.  The reality of the situation shocks and scares me.

Last night I was set to call  "Family Services" today... and his psychiatrist.  I wanted to let everybody involved know what he's doing - on my own search for help I thought I'd share this latest bit of drugging with the professionals....let them know that the kid needs saving from himself.  But then as today played out, I thought...why?  What good will calling anybody do?  What can they do??  The answer is nothing.

Today his TAPS group was cut short to 1 pm.  Zack told me somebody wasn't there....so he's been roaming the house longer than normal.  Bored and restless....showering and not smoking because between 8 am and 1 pm he smoked all his allotted cigarettes.   He asked me for a dollar today, too.  No.  He just asked me for sixty cents....No.

I took the girls out to an early dinner.  For a few seconds it seemed Zack was actually interested in joining us....there was a spark....I saw by his facial expressions there was some kind of inner war going on within himself... He got kind of excited about coming with, out to eat.. but then suddenly he changed his mind and said,  "I'll stay home"... it's so odd...like part of him almost wants to be normal and social, but then something - maybe a voice inside him - holds him back. It was such a quick mysterious change of heart.  So the girls and I went out, had our dinner and our laughs, then came home to a quiet house... Zack in his room as always...alone.

I am very frustrated.... it seems we make a little headway with the Saphris - so far no magic but at least he sleeps through the night....so we sleep through the night.   But one little step forward and he smacks it all down and back by adding more substances to his chemically saturated system.   

I just don't know where this path is going with him...or taking us.....but today it seems downhill.

To Be Continued.......

Rough ride ahead.....for all of us

Sunday, August 28th

Woke up with a lot of anxiety this morning.   My husband  flew out for the week, and although I should have a secret sense of freedom, I feel nervous instead.  I hate change of any kind.  I've been the one that's been leaving for the past year...he hasn't gone away for business or fun in quite a while.   So his absence will be an adjustment.  I am a little afraid even.... weird.   I feel incompetent and insecure today. 

I heard Zack go by my room on his way to the bathroom.   He does sleep so much better on the Saphris that he is able to wake up in the mornings...and he doesn't nap the afternoon away.   I don't know what crossed my mind to make me think about his future....but I was relaxed and caught off guard, the worries slipped in.... Will he ever be married? Or have a girlfriend again?  Will he have a normal life....ever?  Right now I kind of tend toward 'no'.....and - wow - that hit me hard and made me suddenly really sad for him.   Does he have his own concerns for his own life?  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure what load of grief is he carrying with this disease.  Or maybe that's the blessing in disguise under all this crap.....he doesn't comprehend what schizophrenia could mean for him.  I do.

My husband's limo picked him up and we all hugged and kissed - said our goodbyes... so strange....I didn't even realize it until right now, typing this out, that he did not say goodbye to Zack...Zack wasn't around...Zack is not usually with us.....He probably isn't even aware that his dad is gone now.   I wonder when he'll notice.

Soon after my husband left, the girls and I had to go run some errands.  I said goodbye to Penny...and told her, "I'll be back soon".... We were in the garage, getting in the car to leave, and I noticed Zack sitting in his car in the driveway having a smoke.  I said those same words to Zack..."Goodbye... I'll be back soon"....  Weird that I say the same things to my dog that I do to my 20 year old son.... but the dog probably heard me. 

One errand was to pick up the Saphris... I was relieved to discover that at the dose he's on, the cost out of pocket is under $100 a month.   I had apprehension... never know if I'm going to step up there and the pharmacist will shock me with the news that I owe some hideous amount for the magic potion that I'm not prepared to cover.  There's always that fear when I pick up a brand new anti psychotic.  The cost.

Lucy had control of my ipod...Christmas music came on while we were driving....She skipped right by it after a couple measures, but I heard enough to make me speculate... Christmas... four months away.... so much can happen between now and then.  Will I finally be happy at Christmas?  Will I find closure with friends...and have forgiven what I'm capable of?  Could I have fun shopping and wrapping and baking?  Or will I be heartbroken and still sorrowful, drudging through the Christmas chores, putting on a merry act for the girls......Where will my son be and will he be well by Christmas?  I remember feeling so lighthearted...singing and watching favorite old holiday movies.... I pray this gloom passes over me.   I feel like so much time is being wasted feeling miserable and scared.  I miss happiness.

For some reason as much as I want to try and choose happiness... I am having a bad day today... maybe it's because my husband is gone and I am alone... or that I had a cold shower because when I asked Zack to not use up all the hot water he "forgot"...and stayed in for over and hour...maybe the fact that Zack has passed me several times and not even acknowledged my presence.....or it could just all the fear of the unknown that snuck up on me for some odd reason this morning.  

I'm going to walk Penny under the blue skies and sunshine... listen to either music or a Disney podcast... read and do laundry.  Try to keep busy to avoid the gloom invading my day.

Change of plans... as I was finishing this entry my neighbor knocked on the door.  She had her two dogs and asked if I could walk.  I have been avoiding her for months.  Just did not feel like talking - she knows....and I am ashamed.  But today, I  had no excuse so I went.  It was good for both of us and I think we'll walk again tomorrow.  

When I am feeling low and insecure like today, I have something in my back pocket....a little picker upper in my mind... .Somebody I admire complimented me a while back....Somebody that knows nothing of Zack's problem.  Her words came unexpectedly and freely.  She doesn't even know how much what she said meant to me - but I keep her words close to my heart for when I need them. She told me that I am one of the most beautiful people she knows, inside and out... and it radiates from within.   Gosh... that made me cry then and it makes me cry now, typing it...but I think what a generous person she was to tell me that - whether it's true or not.   I hope someday I can say something to somebody that would mean that much to them...when they're down they can draw on my words and feel their spirit lift.  What a gift she gave me. 

Weekends are long for Zack.  He is restless..bored...nowhere to go.....no friends... no money.  Nothing...but a 48 hour stretch of time and a pack of cigarettes.  Dr. M told me she is concerned about him driving - and driving gives him too much freedom.  He cannot be trusted.  So it's an uncomfortably long couple days for him.... and me.   Saturday and Sunday are a reminder of his indefinite future. 

To Be Continued.....

Zack 2007

Saturday, August 27th

Random ramblings because I've been up too long - running kids everywhere today.....

"Forgiveness is a gift of high value. Yet its cost is nothing." 

Betty Smith.... "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"

Forgiveness.....My emotions are a kerjumble on forgiveness.  I have so much resentment toward my husband...and bad feelings toward my son and his destructive choices....and even sadness regarding some friends' actions, too.

"A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" has always been, for me, a cherished book and it's also one of my most beloved movies.  I can watch it repeatedly and catch something new each time.  For all the sadness in the story, there is triumph in the end.  I need a happy ending.  If the story hadn't ended well it would have never become a favorite of mine.  I reread the book last month...it's been since high school since I originally read the novel and the message it contains means more to me now than ever. There are so many relevant quotes and little life lessons in those pages.

Sometimes I wonder to myself....why did God give me these children to care for?  But not in a piteous wondering way.  I love my kids and I am forever fortunate to have them in my life...and I know people out there are going through much worse than I am.

Many years ago, when I was in a moment of gloom over some nonsense,  I happened to have the world news on (that's all you have to do to help get out of a pity mode...watch the evening news)   There had been some horrid flood in Africa and the news anchor was describing the tragedy.  He reported about a woman that had given birth alone in a tree while flood waters raged below.  I have had three babies...all in a private room in a lovely hospital, with a kind and competent doctor and friendly sympathetic nurses... and it was still awful.  So, to think about that African woman's situation........ I keep her story close to my heart and I always remember.  When things seem unbearable here, I tell myself,  "At least I'm not giving birth alone in a tree".... I really do... I can't think of much worse.  I've told this to a few friends and they laugh, but the memory of that poor woman helps keep me grounded in my reality - which, all things considered, isn't that bad.

But I do wonder why me?  Not a feeling sorry for myself  'why me', but a 'what is it about me that God saw fit to give me these special children to care for?' type of why me.... I've heard God gives you what you can handle.   Lucy with her sight loss,  Jojo is dyslexic... and Zack, now losing his mind.... What characteristics do I have that I can use to benefit my kids?

I've pondered that question a lot.  If I could figure out what He saw in me then maybe I could use those qualities to help my children in the most effective way.  The best I can come up with is I have a big heart and a generous spirit.  Why then, with a big heart and generous spirit, do I have such a struggle with forgiveness? 

When times are difficult, it's absolutely true...you do find out who your friends are.  I am blessed with some wonderful friends in my life...but I also have people that really did let me down.  They acted in ways I wouldn't have expected.  Ways I don't understand.  And they've disappointed me...hurt me.   I cannot keep carrying that pain, though.  I have heard forgiveness is something you do for yourself.  A gift you give to yourself.   So I am attempting to just let it go....the hurt certain people have caused me.   I know I'm not perfect...and sadly, I've probably disappointed people, too.  I need to stop judging and stop carrying expectations.  What I have to strive to remember, is that for the most part, people do the best that they know how. The anger and disappointment that I'm hanging onto isn't doing me any good....It's going to be an effort, and time, but I have to try to forgive.  For me.

Over the past twenty-four hours I've been driving my daughters all over town to their friends' houses, to and from school and practices, on errands....

I made a mental note of the brief joy I felt each time I noticed something unexpected that made me smile.  Last night it was the smell of a bonfire, driving in and out of clouds on narrow country roads lined with tall prairie grasses, and a family of deer in my yard. Just little things but they surprised me and gave me a sense of something special. 

This morning at the soccer park,  I sat alone in my car and watched Jojo....but as practice ended and parents were arriving to pick up their daughters, one of the coaches and a friend of mine came over to my car to talk to me - one on either side. We chatted for about an hour through my open windows.  It was mostly just me smiling and listening to them talk, but the realization that they sought me out made me feel lucky.  And a little happy.

I want to try and choose happiness.  I think maybe it can be a choice if I put my mind to it... my magical thinking...It's going to take some time though.   I still feel despair often.  I wish and long to feel happy ...but I realize happy will take hard work.   I also need to struggle at slowly chipping away at the numbness enveloping me....encasing the sorrow.  I have to let some of my pain and hurt slip away once the numb shell cracks.  And then I hope by forgiving I can find room for happiness again. 

 A reminder of something special

Friday, August 26th

Yesterday was a crazy day.  Lucy started her sophomore year of high school. She had to catch a 6:07am bus....being ready and waiting at that time was a supreme effort for us.  Even Penny wondered what the heck was going on so early.  She dragged herself slowly up off my bedroom floor, after I climbed out of bed and stepped over her - and she tried to bite onto my pajama pant cuffs - that's been her little game ever since she was a pup.  She is feisty and plays her trick whenever she's lying on the floor and I walk over or past her.   She acts like she's unaware...sound asleep.....but then she snaps!  Sometimes I even rub my foot on her to alert her I'm going to step near her... and taunt her.  She's my naughty girl and I love her for it, and the laughs she brings me.

The area where we live is fairly rural and quiet.  Our house is about 3/4 of the way down a long steep hill.... so Lucy waits inside and has plenty of time to listen for the bus rumbling through our neighborhood.   Once she hears it nearing, she runs out to the end of the driveway....yesterday was no different, except the bus drove right by her!  It circled around the culdesac at the bottom of the hill and came back up past our house again... and right past Lucy again.... no stopping.  It's pretty dark out there at 6:07 am.  I called the bus company and they sent him back again to get her....and she rode the bus for 45 minutes. We aren't going to do that any more.  We live seven minutes from the high school.  I'll either drive her or she will hitch a ride with her boyfriend.

This morning her boyfriend picked her up at 640 am...still early but much more reasonable.

We just finished redoing Lucy's room a few weeks ago and she has a new comfy queen bed that I crashed out on while she finished getting ready.  We chatted a bit and watched for her friend out the window.  My husband and I changed up Jojo's room last spring with new furniture and decor.  We asked Zack if he wanted a nice room update and he did not.  His room has been the same for twelve years....except now it's more empty and it's blah.  Over the past couple years, he pawned everything he owned of value.. and everything that showed he had a personality.... no more Xbox..no Rock Band...Play Station...no DVDs,  CDs, stereo...no books or collections..his political and Radiohead posters have been taken down and misplaced....nothing fun or interesting in Zack's room.  He does own a very nice computer we bought him for Christmas because he loves gaming.  We wanted him to have something to do that he enjoys.  He definitely does enjoy spending time on it or else he would have sold it.  We cannot buy him anything valuable that he can easily remove and sell.   Drugs are more important than things.

Zack doesn't care much about his room...even though he spends all his time in it.  Maybe he doesn't notice his surroundings?  Or maybe his room, as boring as it now is, does reflect his mentally ill identity.  His current personality is nothingness.  Zack went from being lively and witty to dull and bland with the onset of his schizophrenia.  I don't know who he is..I couldn't even guess what color he would like the room painted...or what fun things I could buy him to add some character to his space. I bet that's how everybody in the house feels....Zack is a stranger now.

Half the time he doesn't put sheets on his bed or pillow cases on his pillows.  I remind him constantly, and he says he will....and then he doesn't.   He has empty soda cans and glasses all over his desk and dresser...and candy boxes and wrappers collect there, too.  Something else we remind him to do - empty his trash...once in a while he does.  He brings snacks from the kitchen into his room, too....  His closet floor is piled up with dirty laundry and all the towels he used for his three daily showers are lumped there, too.  He spends so much time in his room I thought maybe he really would appreciate an update and new paint color...new comforter.... but no.  None of that holds importance for him.

When I dropped Zack off at his group today, he stopped before entering the "Family Services" building and had a smoke.   There was another guy - about his same age - also outside smoking.  I noticed most of the people that come and go smoke.  There is usually a crowd out front having their last cigarette before groups begin...and they are also allowed smoke breaks during the day.   I circled the parking lot and caught that Zack did not step far away....he stood only about three feet from the other guy....that is a big improvement that I was excited to see...maybe it's my wishful magical thinking but it made me feel a little lift to see that Zack didn't make an effort to isolate himself. 

When I picked him up after TAPS group yesterday the first thing he said as he got in the car was, "So you're kicking me out of the house.".....He is very upset about this group home hope I have...but after our silent drive to "Family Services" this morning, and then how I saw him, standing fairly near somebody else, enjoying a smoke,  I thought...he needs to be in a group home.   It would be a much better environment for him....where he would re learn life and social skills.

My husband is getting ready to go out of town this weekend so today will be filled with errands and packing for him...and running kids around.

To Be Continued.....

His sisters were really crazy about him

Thursday, August 25th Part 2

 "Judging and half in half outs...."

I learned something about me today.... I should be ashamed of myself.  I am judgmental.  I really didn't' think I was...but it seems I am.  

Zack and I checked into the office to see Dr. M.    We went and sat down in the lobby waiting area.  I sat on an end seat and Zack wouldn't sit next to me.... He sat a seat away.  That's one of his current hang ups....he thinks it's not "cool" or appropriate to be seen with family members.  He doesn't go anywhere with us.  He won't go out to eat or shopping or even to a movie in the dark.  He's worried about what people will think. So he couldn't be seen sitting with his mom in a psychiatrist's office....

While we were sitting there, I read.  He did nothing.  A woman stepped out of the office area and I heard somebody address her as "Dr. M"...I didn't know what to expect Dr. M to be like,  so it was nice to get an idea of who she was prior to meeting with her.  I thought to myself how hard edged she looks.  She had on leopard print shoes and a linen suit, glasses with thick frames and dark hair with a severe cut.  She appeared harsh to me.....

Then I went back to my reading, telling myself... no worries if I don't like her..it's just a second opinion.   I looked up as a woman was approaching Zack...she quietly addressed him and asked,  "Is this your mom?"  And then she shook my hand and introduced herself as "Alaina".... Oh my... she was the crabby, overtired case manager that left the sigh filled message yesterday.  Only...she was very sweet.  Very.  Maybe she IS overworked...and had had a long day .... or like me, just doesn't do messages well.   I was kicking myself for being so rash in my conclusion yesterday that she wasn't all I had hoped she'd be.  Still not sure if that's the situation (my hopes are high out of desperation)  but she was very nice in person, and did seem willing to help.  I was glad I sucked it up and left a friendly, sunny message for her yesterday.

A few more minutes and we were called in to see Dr. M.   She turned out to be very soft spoken, calm, and knowledgeable.  I really like her.  I admire the way she treated my son with kind understanding.   She gently interviewed Zack, asked him some questions about his goals, how he feels, how Dr. K has been treating him... to which he answered "well".   Regarding his goals - he "wants to get a job".   He feels "fine"...and doesn't see any need for any of this - including the TAPS group.  That was expected....He doesn't perceive that there is any problem, that he is any different than he used to be, or needs any help or coping skills.   It was funny - last night at dinner I asked Zack what he did in the group....he told me "stupid games to teach relaxation skills".  I said, "Hey! I could use some relaxation skills...tell me what you learned."  And he said "Toss some Frisbees".  OK... maybe I'll give that a try.  Then Lucy asked Zack if he was making any friends in the group.   He told us that he wouldn't want any of them for friends.  Those people are "half in half out"... Lucy looked at me, suppressing a laugh, and I winked at her... keep it hush hush... He just doesn't get it.  He is one of those "half in half outs".... So odd he sees it in others, but not himself.

I talked to the doctor about medication options.... she suggested that clozapine might be where we end up.  She said often patients that have not responded to other anti psychotics do really well on clozapine....but then she brought up all the nasty possible side effects. Why it's usually reserved as a last ditch effort.   We are staying on the Saphris for at least six weeks. She told me it usually takes six weeks to see the benefit. 

I spoke with Dr. K's office after I met with Dr. M.  We are adjusting the Saphris down to one 10 mg dose in the evening, versus the two daily 10 mg doses.  Maybe that will help with the daytime drowsiness.   Dr. M also mentioned that for now we may not be able to "fix" the positive side effects Zack is experiencing (the voices).... and she also reminded me of what I already knew...that there aren't medications available that help with the negative side effects of Schizophrenia (the apathetic attitude..and more, "the four As")  Those negative symptoms MAY be relieved with clozapine.  She said it's the only anti psychotic out there that has shown some improvement with these symptoms.

Dr. M also tried to get Zack to open up about his love for substances.... he said, through his hand, that he didn't really want to talk about it.  She tried to impart on him the need for him to stop all substance abuse as he is taking strong meds right now and we're trying to help him.  He always agrees....seems to understand... but then as soon as he can, he drugs himself up.

At the end of the conversation, she recommended a group home.  Another subject Zack wasn't open to discuss.  I was.  I want that.... I need that.  It would take so much burden off of me.  I know that sounds selfish and cold....but from where I am, I see that realistically I cannot give my son the help he needs. We have tried.  We supply him a place to sleep, a room to spend his day,  buy him food, necessities, and cigarettes....that's all we are capable of.   He is not getting better with our care.  As much as I hate to admit defeat...and remembering back to how hopeful I was at Christmas, when he came home to us, it hurts to know we have reached an end.  Really, not an end... a new beginning for all of us.  It's time to let somebody else try and help. The group home would be local and the goal there would be to teach him to live independently.  Zack was very angry and upset about the possibility of a group home. 

Dr.M also told us to get going on the SSI paperwork.  People usually have to apply three times before it goes through....

I am at a cross roads.  Do I stay with Dr K or switch to Dr. M?   I really like Dr. M.   I like that she's a woman...I feel that connection with her....more "equal" with her somehow than the male doctors we've seen. 

I have a high regard for Dr. K, but I often feel that he looks at me with pity...and expects me to break down any moment - fall to pieces in his office.  That's not me.  I don't want to be treated like I am bordering on weak...even if I have been.  Maybe I'm being judgmental again in some twisty way, but I've seen him since January and I feel that every time we talk...like he's just waiting for me to have my own breakdown.  Something I respect about him, though, is that he very recently shared that his daughter is also schizophrenic. She is even worse off than my son and has spent the past ten years in state mental hospitals.  Hearing that broke my heart...I did cry when he told me about his daughter.  I never would have guessed...but maybe that's why he assumes I'm going to come unglued....he's been where I am....desperate and on the edge.  When he told me about his daughter, it pointed out to me that yes...we do all have something.  Something secret dragging us down.....and you'd never know it about most people....

To Be Continued......

Acting "half in half out"...back when it was acceptable to be silly

Thursday, August 25 Part 1

 Another call from "Family Services"

WOW!!  Nutso start to the day today with Lucy's first day of school.   More on that later!!

Just got a call from Abby....one of their psychiatrists had a cancellation so she wants to see Zack this morning... I am off and running.  

Wish me luck!!  I am hopeful and have a good feeling...it will be interesting to get a second opinion.  I hope she has some  information to share, new ideas.... maybe a different med to try.

To Be Continued......

Waiting for the bus at 5:55 am......Nutso start to a crazy day

Wednesday, August 24 Part 2

Return calls and more nonsense.....

Well well well....so now that "Family Services" wants my son out of their TAPS group (which when Zack first heard the name of this group "Taps", he said to Courtney that  it sounds "depressing" ...haha... Taps... bugle....funeral....)  they are right on the ball and returning calls and scheduling appointments as soon as possible.  So...I will most likely be meeting with one of their psychiatrists next Thursday morning..... and she can come to the convenient conclusion that their group isn't appropriate for my son and then somebody with authority can discharge him (kick him out) with a clear clean conscience.

Abby called me earlier today because she thought she was returning a concerned call I placed this morning.  I did not call them.

She went right into the reason for returning "my call"... She thought I was the mom that called regarding suicidal texts my son was sending his girlfriend..... Not me..Not my son...  Wrong mom.   The call made me uneasy for more reasons than the obvious.  She doesn't even understand the depth of my son's disease if she thought he would have a girlfriend to text.  He has no friends... he speaks to nobody.  He only speaks when spoken to - sometimes.  When he's lucid....and if he answers, he barely answers - it's all about minimum speech, and often they are inaudible words spoken with a hand over his face...so even if what he says does make sense, you can't really hear it...can't see the expression on his face or look in his eyes when he speaks his words.  It's obvious to me that Abby is more than clueless about my kid as an individual, his disease... and what we're up against, even after meeting us for a few hours and talking to Zack one on one several times and observing him in the group....And then calling the wrong parent about something so important as suicidal texting?!  My confidence in "Family Services" is flagging fast....maybe this TAPS group is not the right fit for my son - considering she made this mistake...but if it's not, I need a new direction.

When Abby realized she had the wrong parent on the phone, she changed the topic and told me she spoke to scheduling and it looks like one of their doctors can see Zack next week.  Great...sounds like a plan.  I am interested in a second opinion.  Their psychiatrist wants his medication records... "What worked and what didn't"....Nothing worked.  Everything didn't.  That's easy.  I thought to myself, what a dumb way to request the medication history.  If anything worked we wouldn't be in this desperate position...  I just need to get the loser list from Dr. K's office - and they were closed today because it's Wednesday.  I always forget...people aren't supposed to need doctors on Wednesdays....

I ran out with Lucy and Jojo to dentist appointments(dentists do work on Wednesdays) and to buy last minute school supplies.   When I returned home there was even a call from a crabby, tired sounding case manager.  WOW imagine that - I've been waiting  two weeks for a return call and suddenly a call today.  They really do want Zack out.  Apparently he is a challenge for them that they're not up to meeting.

The woman actually sighed a few times during her message.   The girls and I were in the kitchen sorting through our purchases, listening to the answering machine messages... this one came on and we all stopped to hush and listen because there was something so ornery in her tone...it was curious that somebody in such a position - helping mentally ill people - would sound so aggrieved at doing her job. The woman actually sounded irritated to be making the call.   She didn't sound like the helpful friendly savior I was praying for.  I was slightly scared to call her back.   I did, though.... I sucked it up and figured I have to explore all angles available, and maybe I'm being judgmental.... but she really did sound annoyed.  Even Jojo and Lucy commented on it and we laughed at the irony. 

I wound up having to leave a message for her - I hate doing that - I never know what to say - try to cram as much info in a short little few sentences as possible...and as you can tell if you're reading this, that's not my forte.  But I did it with a smile on my face and sunshine in my voice... I may really need this crabby, overtired and overworked case manager on my side.

To Be Continued......

My beautiful buddies.....

Wednesday, August 24 Part 1

Bathroom botherations and other nonsense....

I had a busy afternoon yesterday.   Zack told me he did wind up putting some jeans on a hold at Kohls, so while he was at his TAPS group I ran to the store to purchase them.   I had my fingers crossed the whole drive over that he really did put them on hold...and I wouldn't show up at customer service, wait in line, only to be told they couldn't find anything..."What's the name again?  Could it be under a different name?"  Ha.  That's happened before... but the jeans were there, and now they're here and his.   I also picked up some socks for the kid.... that's what he originally wanted to go shopping for.  He said he has no socks....now he does.

When Zack got in the car after his TAPS group.... he seemed a bit more alert...a bit.  Maybe wishful thinking on my part, but he even volunteered the info that he stayed awake for the group.  His reality is always a bit "off" so I do hope it is true and he didn't just put his head down and snooze the hours away...dreaming he was participating...doing his own wishful thinking.

I am still waiting for a scheduling call from "Family Services"....and that case manager's call....let them drag their feet...fine with me....that way he can stay in their group longer,  and we can have more time to see if these magic meds will do the trick.   I'm also now waiting for my own psychiatrist's office to return my calls regarding the Saphris...and whether to continue it or change it up to something else.  I know these anti psychotic meds can take weeks for all the benefits to show themselves.. longer for Zack because he's been using other substances....but I'm not sure if the benefits - if any - can outweigh the drowsy spacey side effects.

Zack had already smoked his half pack of cigarettes by the time I picked him up at 2:15.  Today I'll suggest he leave a couple at home...just so he's forced to save a few for later in the day and evening.  

Then I had to take Jojo to her first ballet class of the school year...but before we could head over to the dance studio we had to run across town to the dance store and buy new leotards, tights, and skirts.   Always running last minute.... We thought her ballet class was from 4:14 to 5:15 as it's been the past several years....but we were wrong.  We showed up and I didn't recognize anybody else - where were my mom friends?!?  I usually enjoy sitting there chatting with the moms for an hour and having some laughs about life.  It was dismaying to see nobody I knew.   Fifteen minutes into the class Miss V came out to say.... "Jojo is in the wrong class!"   She asked if 5:15 to 6:15 would work out for us... absolutely.... so we dinked around, ran for a Diet Coke and ice cream, and then returned for the later class and my mom friends.

It was nice to catch up with everybody.  The girls have been in various dance classes together since they were three years old.   The moms and I have sat together a lot over the years commiserating on kids and school and "stuff".. so they know some of the struggles we've lived through with my son. Of course they asked how it's going. I have never mentioned the Schizophrenia...and I still don't feel secure enough to throw that word out there... so I put on my game face, smiled and shook my head, looked at Jojo sitting next to me... she looked a bit uneasy and made a nervous chuckle. She was probably wondering how I would answer that one...I said, "Not too well... but at least he's not in jail."  They laughed and that answer was good enough.  Because it's true.

When we pulled into the driveway after dance, we saw Zack wondering around outside on the side of the house.  My suspicion was raised.... something appeared shady.  There's no reason for him to be over on that side of the house...there's nothing there but the A/C unit and firewood....something was not quite right with this scene.   As we approached the garage he started walking toward his car parked in the driveway.  I don't think he even noticed us pulling in.  I got out of my car and asked him what he was doing... he always puts on a confused expression when confronted.  Not sure if that is on purpose because he is a maniupulator (I know he is) or if it's part of this disease and he really is often confused and unsure. Sometimes it just seems a convenient confused.  He looked uneasy to be caught...which made me even more suspicious.  He said "Nothing."   I doubted that.  He continued with his story that he was going to use the "side door" -which he knows is locked as always - so that couldn't be true...I asked if he locked himself out of the house..."No"..... but that was that and no more information was forth coming.  He was done talking and obviously he felt like that was good enough explanation to get me off his back.  But it wasn't...I've discovered with him that if I push it,  he just puts a wall up and acts dazed.   How much of that is real and natural and how much is acting.... I don't know. 

Well... I threw dinner together and we all sat and talked and laughed.  Actually, we talked and laughed.  Zack ate.  But I brought up the odd, side of the house wanderings.... thinking maybe my husband would get some more information out of Zack.  He can be annoyingly persistent and I figured this may be a time to put that trait to use.  Turns out....and I don't know even if this is the truth or not.... Zack said he was "going to the bathroom" out there.   We burst out laughing... Seriously??  The girls and I were mortified... I think even my husband was stunned and surprised at that weird answer.  OK...is what he did crazy?  or a guy thing?   I lean toward "crazy"...but I'm a female...but then again that side of our house is the closest to any neighbors we have, only separated by our stack of firewood and a thin line of trees..... people driving by on the road could have seen him doing his thing.....there is a bathroom conveniently located on the first floor of the house, maybe 25 steps from entering....hello?   He was just being odd.   He likes to hang out in his car and smoke...but he had no cigarettes left... so he was just hanging out being isolated...and decided to relieve himself in the most handy place..crazy...and lazy.  After we got past our shock that Zack would do that... Lucy suggests, "If you're going to start peeing outside why don't you shower outside with the hose, too?"   That idea cracked us all up... not Zack though.

The ironic thing is I cannot get Penny to pee on the grass lately.  I told Zack he probably put his "scent" on the grass and she doesn't think it's her territory anymore.... (just kidding)  Penny has been pooping and peeing on the back deck recently.   At first I thought it was just her lazy way of doing her business and then getting inside faster for her treat.   She likes to play dumb...but she's cunning - and she's so darn cute and cuddly she winds up getting away with too much...but inappropriate defecating and urinating is not going to fly with me.

I caught Penny taking her shortcut the other day.... so I decided I'd let her out and also make her aware that I was overseeing her actions, hoping maybe she'd stay in line, get her furry self onto the grass, and do the right thing.  Nope.  She walked a few feet from where I was standing and let loose, peeing on the deck....I screamed, ran, grabbed her collar and dragged her fluffy butt off the deck onto the grass - with her fighting me and peeing nonstop the whole way. By the time we got on the grass she was empty and done.   ughgghghghggg...that dog.

The past few days I have been her bathroom buddy, going out with her and trying to coax her onto the grass.  She makes a fuss every single time about it.  I have to forcibly drag her by the collar off the deck....with her digging her nails into the cedar and my feet slipping and sliding the whole way.  She's floppy but strong!  There are two ways down off the deck and I've tried both.  Neither one appeals to her.  Once I have her down the steps, if I let go of her collar she jumps right back up and runs for the door to go back inside the house.  I have to push or pull her down to the grass, with her resisting the whole way, drag her out to a nice grassy area and command her to "Go potty"... and she will...if I stay there near her, guarding her like a warden.   I don't know what she could have seen on that grass to have terrified her of our yard, but she's become neurotic.  She now fits right in with the rest of us. 

Today is our last day of summer.... school starts tomorrow for Lucy.... and I am seriously having anxiety about us being up and ready for a 6:07 am bus pick up.   Last year the bus drove up at about 6:30am and that was an effort for us...but we did it and even managed to become used to it.   6:07 just seems.... night ish!

We have a few errands to run and last minute things to wrap up as our summer fun comes to an end.  New adventures around the corner!

"This has gotta be the good life.. this has gotta be the good life...this could really be a good life, good life..."

To Be Continued.....

 2006...When he was fun

Tuesday, August 23

After the drama of the day yesterday, thankfully we had an uneventful evening last night.  I had to drive Jojo to soccer practice across town...that takes away two hours of the early evening....another reason I am so thankful for the TAPS group for Zack.  Between his boring lonely day and then me having to be out running the girls to activities after school into the evening, he is alone too much just wasting away.  I got home and threw a quickie dinner together...we usually eat dinner as a family but once all the sports, clubs, band, etc start with the school year that gets tricky.  We try our best, though, because we enjoy that time talking and laughing.  And we pry Zack out of his room to sit with us.  He's usually cooperative about that... maybe some part inside him does want to be with us still.   We do the talking and laughing.   Zack sits.  Sometimes he eats...but other times he's on his own schedule and has already made himself dinner.  Then, after helping clean up, he goes back up to his room where he spends his evenings... and his days.

Penny bounded up on my bed this morning... scaring me and waking me.   She was all excited about something...still not sure what...I was afraid of some torn up garbagy mess I'd find when I came downstairs, but everything was in it's place.....I wonder what she might have gotten into that put her in such a happy floppy mood...I'll probably find out later.

Zack woke up at 730 am on his own this morning.  He must have slept through the night.  I did - so that probably means he did.  I am almost considering not giving him the morning dose of Saphris.... Maybe he'd be able to keep his head off the table in group if he didn't have that med in him.....

Zack  HAS to try today.  He has to try and participate - or at least not drag the others down...and cause the leaders to want to give up on him.   I reminded him on the drive over...tried to explain to him that even if what they're doing seems silly, if the other members are doing it he needs to go along with it...cooperate.. mental illness is serious and he needs to try and accept the help.   He wasn't extremely responsive...but I got a couple "OK"s from him.  I need to be satisfied with that I suppose.  The "Family Services" social workers knew having him attend this group was a last ditch effort and if he didn't  agree to go he would not be allowed to live in our home with us.  We'd have to get back to the tough love....which I hate.

"Tough love" was suggested to us in 2009 by a couple psychiatrists and also the police..police that came to our house, called by Zack.  (He worked the system, called the cops on us several times for nonsense - from his car that we bought him...using his cell phone we bought him and pay monthly for)   In the end, the tough love tactic was more torturous and tough on me than on Zack.  It broke me.....it didn't phase him.   But the main  consequence of our tough love was that due to my parents not agreeing with our discipline decisions they no longer speak to us.

It's been since March 2010 that they have not even communicated with their beautiful granddaughters.

We live in Illinois...my parents live in Arizona.  They moved southwest about 15 years ago.  Zack was 6 years old.  I remember prior to their move, sitting on the sofa in my mom's house with Zack and my mother (at that time we lived 10 minutes apart - on purpose)... my mother was enthusiastically showing Zack photos of her new home thousands of miles away.   He cried..he would miss her desperately....she cried.  She had second thoughts about moving away.  She promised she'd decorate a room just for him - his own room to use when he came to visit.  She did.  It was all western and cowboy themed.   A darling little boy's room.   Then when the girls were born she decorated a sweet ruffly floral room for them.

They used to be fantastic grandparents despite the distance and the poor parenting job they did with me. (not just whining...my biological dad was a depressed alcoholic and my mom is probably bi polar... they both had their issues & my sister and I grew up fully aware of them)  I always said they are better grandparents than parents.   The love between them and my three kids was wonderful... ..enough love that I forgave them for their treatment of me over the years.  It filled my heart to know my kids were loved so much.  They and my kids had a close relationship and a very strong bond.... or so I thought.

My parents would visit often, take the kids on vacations, and fly the kids out to Arizona to stay with them for weeks in the summer.  The loss of  my parents in my life doesn't really bother me....my mother and I never saw eye to eye, we weren't close.  I don't have good childhood memories of her.  I don't miss her.   My step father is a good guy but he only came into my life in my early 20s.  He was always very generous with me and my children.  He treated my children as wonderfully as his own biological kids' children.   The ones I feel bad for - the ones this tough love really effected -  are my girls.  Losing their grandparents this way was a tragedy in their lives.

Lucy and Jojo loved their grandparents.  For quite a while they - especially Lucy - grieved the loss of them.  Lucy even reached out to my mother... she emailed her and tried to explain the situation...reality from her own point of view...the view of a little girl that had had to cope with a mentally ill substance abusing brother in her home for years.  Sudden unexplainable outbursts, swearing, arguing, yelling...slamming doors, physical fights.....    what those girls saw....         Lucy tried to explain this to my mother and why we had no choice but to do what we did.... give Zack an ultimatum - no drugs....go to therapy.... or leave.

I remember the morning he made his choice.  I begged him to stay...  pleaded with him...grabbing his arm...tried to reason with him and hold him back....don't leave... stay until you at least get a job....begging him....but his desire to use drugs was so strong he preferred to leave and live in his car in parking lots.  He had no cares about an uncertain future. No worries...Drugs.  Drugs were top priority....the only priority.

My mother would understand none of it.   She replied to Lucy with a "You should be ashamed of yourselves" email.   That broke Lucy's heart.  I remember her shock and her tears over that cold reply.   My mother continued to communicate with Zack...on that cell phone of his we paid for... and she sent him money.  Money that surely went to drugs.  I don't even know the details that brought their twisted alliance to an end....but they no longer speak.

I'm so not up for tough love again.  We haven't had any success with it in the past...so I pray and hope that Zack tries in group today and tomorrow...for the next few weeks until  he can see one of their psychiatrists...but I just don't know where to go from there.  Still hopeful though...it's a new door open to us.   A new doctor and new opinion.

To Be Continued.....

 

Mini golf with Grandma and Grandpa in San Diego 

Monday August 22, Part 3

Well... when I got off the phone earlier I was devastated.... I felt BETRAYED by "Family Services".   On August 11, they gave me a dose of hope.  I believed  I was on the right path with them....now this call.....?? 

I had a manicure appointment, which luckily I got to sit through for an hour in silence and contemplate this sudden predicament...and my options if any.

They had some Linda lady call me and break the news... she was one of the TAPS group leaders and knew Zack...but she is a nobody without  power to make any decisions.. the ones that do have the power put her up to being the bad guy and making the call.  She told me she liked Zack...he is a "nice kid".... but he puts his head down on the table and doesn't participate.  It's obvious he doesn't want to be there.  (Hello? he's severely mentally ill... and they're going to let HIM make the choice to be there or not?)  They don't know what to do with him and the other group members are asking, what's up with this kid?   I get that - I wonder what's up with this kid myself....but I didn't go to school to do their job and work with mentally ill people.... I'm not a therapist, counselor, social worker... I'm a mom.  A mom who never in a million years would have imagined I'd have a schizophrenic kid I'd be struggling to find help for.  Help that seems to be getting rather illusive.  I was shocked and disappointed, too, that if things were going so terribly, why didn't I receive a call last week?  She couldn't answer me... I told her I LEFT TWO MESSAGES last week...nobody bothered to call me back.   And I am still waiting for some case manager's call....she apologized but had no answers.  I think she felt uneasy doing the dirty work...maybe she didn't expect me to be so crushed.   I let her know that when Courtney and Abby interviewed us August 11 and then again on August  15th, they got a clear picture of what they were going to be up against.... and they still let me sign Zack up for TAPS and leave the building with the belief that they knew what they were doing and could help.  

Everything I have read about mental illness - it's very common to also have a substance abuse problem.  What makes my kid so unusual?   No answer.   The closest she could get to an answer was that Zack thinks everything is "fine".... well I KNOW he thinks that.  He's either in some denial or it's the mental illness clouding his view.  We all know it's not fine.   Most of their clients WANT help....well Courtney and Abby knew Zack's stance on that prior to him joining the group...they still said he needs to be there and they could work with him.  So I guess a little annoyance and he's out??  The naughty kid that doesn't behave because he's not happy about where he is, wins and gets his way?  What kind of message is that sending to him?

 I was so pissed, I told her I want to speak to either Courtney or Abby (Abby is in charge of the TAPS group and Courtney is the social worker that interviewed us both) and I want to hear from them what they think my next move should be because at this point I AM LOST.  If  "Family Services" cannot handle his situation then give me some ideas of what to do and where to go next.   OK... she'd give them my message and they'd call me back either later tonight or tomorrow morning...*when they had time*...  because kicking the kid out isn't important enough to devote their time to... and neither is answering a mom's pleas for help.  

Well I went to pick up Zack at 230... got there a few minutes early.  Sat in my car trying to decide my next move... do I just wait for their return call or do I go in and request to meet with somebody now... ??  My cell rang and it was Abby. Perfect!  She asked me if I'd like too come in and talk...

She met me in the lobby, we walked to her office... and it hit the fan.  I had time to consider this issue.. and all that had gone before.   They weren't going to get away with this if I could do anything to help it.   Earlier Lucy asked what was wrong and I told her they are kicking Zack out of the group... and her shocked comment (from a 15 yr old) was how can they do that?!?  Isn't working with people in crisis their job?   Exactly what I was feeling...what I said to Linda...why I was so disappointed about this decision.  We have insurance, money, doctors, therapists, meds,  any options we can find at our disposal...and yet we have no options because people keep bailing.  There really is something wrong with the mental health system.

 I cant even remember the conversation I had with Abby because I was in some weird, calm sort of panic mode, trying to keep myself under control and my turbulent emotions in check.  I felt like I was fighting for my kid's life there in that small office and had to make this visit count.   Abby is a youngish woman...maybe not even a mother herself yet.. or if so, probably of sweet young kids.  She has these beautiful teal blue eyes and I remember looking at them while she spoke about the problem of Zack and wondering, how can you let my kid down.....just kick him out so easily and be done?   Is it because it's so commonplace?.... Seems kinda cold hearted...harsh.   She reminded me the program is voluntary, they see kids like Zack all the time... and I asked well how does it turn out? What did you do for these kids like Zack?  And she said they don't have involved parents and they "walk"...I asked what happens to them?  She made a shrug and a broad hand gesture... like she didn't know...but she knows.  I know.  It's my worst fear for my son.  She couldn't give me any success stories about the kids like Zack.  The fact that Zack doesn't believe he has a problem is a problem for them.   I understand that... but there has to be a way to draw him out and have him come to some realization.   There must be... he's young... too young to just be thrown away....

We talked for a good half hour and she agreed to keep him in the TAPS group longer..at least until he gets to see one of their psychiatrists, which will most likely be two to three weeks.  He'll get that second opinion and maybe some different meds... and Abby also wants to put him into their substance abuse program.  I am game for everything she suggested.  I told her I would talk to Zack, too, and get him to shape up and consider being more agreeable to participating.   I hope he will.. He has to...but he also has to understand this is for him. I think a part of the problem is we have not found the best anti psychotics for him....the Saphris does make him drowsy....but I know that is really only part of the problem.

To Be Continued....

Three little characters

Monday August 22, Part 2 ... this is bad

Family Services called me back.


It wasn't the call I expected...


They called to tell me they are "Discharging Zack from the group for not participating".....


I think I am going to be sick.   I feel shattered... my heart is in my throat and I can't swallow or breathe..... so I guess I can't be sick.  

I can't see through my tears and I have the shakes so i can't type now.  

TBC

Monday August 22 Part 1

Hmmm..,I am sitting here looking at the posting box thinking... I don't even know what to write.  I am feeling so blah about the situation this morning.  Not a bad or sad blah just a blank one.  I'm thinking "Isolation".

Yesterday, my husband worked til pretty late in the evening. When he came home he brought the kids some cookies and treats from the office. We were all in the kitchen together - the kids were checking out the goodies.... I asked my husband if everything was working (meaning at the office) and Zack answered me. "Everything is working fine."   I guess he thought I was asking him about the Saphris... which doesn't seem to be working so "fine" anyway.  I wasn't looking at him or speaking to him when I asked the question.

After the kids left the room, my husband said to me, "I think Zack is getting sicker."   Sicker?  I know he's not as well as he was back in January.  Months of bad choices have taken their toll on his mind.  And his isolation in his room isn't a good thing for this disease, either.  But it's hard to say if he's "sicker"....I have seen a few brief glimpses of who he used to be over the past few months.  Really brief.   I'm just kind of thinking maybe this Saphris isn't for him..... tired, delirious and drowsy can work against somebody.  Zack is at the half way point on the samples this morning.  I am not convinced this is the med for him.... I guess I'll wait a few more days and see if there is a miracle hiding in the disgusting white pills.  I haven't heard him talking to himself in the past two days....but I have still seen him wear odd facial expressions - like he is listening to something only he can hear...at least the expressions are smiley..not scared.   But I was also thinking about my husband - "Wow...you've seen Zack for 5 whole minutes today and you want to go to the negative already...."... I am so sick of negativity....I am filled with it...and fighting against it.

All weekend Zack did nothing.  He was bored and he said so.  Even if he hates going to this group, nobody does any talking, and it's an inconvenience to get up and ready for - at least he has somewhere to spend five hours of each day.  He had such long slow lonely days on Saturday and Sunday with nowhere to go and nobody to speak to but us...and he avoids us.   He has thrown away all friendships.   He has no interest in making any new friends or spending time with people.  He prefers the isolation - but then he's bored.  He cannot focus on anything other than computer games.  He can't read or watch TV.   I don't understand it but it is what it is. He gets up, paces, wanders, walks outside, snaps..sleeps....the constant hand washing has stopped.  I just realized that.... but the showering hasn't.  I think the showering may now just be a time waster.  Like the smoking.  Something to do to make the long lonely hours pass.

This morning again,  he said he "feels sick"...ugh.  I am sick.  I am sick of this nonsense.  I feel guilt when he is  bored and directionless, roaming the house aimlessly...I can not have that guilt shoved  in my face every day.  He is going to his group.   He used to be such a funny witty kid....he had all kinds of interesting friends....he had goals for his future - he had a smart sense of humor and wanted to get into radio.  He would have been awesome.  Now he's so bland and lacks personality, fun and friends. Isolation is part of the disease -  but it's damaging to let it exist.  Sharing company with nobody and nothing except a mentally ill mind cannot be good.

I have isolated myself from my friends due to this disease.  I've been thinking about that lately and missing them...but not enough....  Shame and embarrassment are the companions of mental illness.  I have told a couple of my dearest friends here what's going on.  It's not something fun to share....it's not anything comfortable to talk about.... not a lot of laughs involved while struggling with mental illness.   Schizophrenia has such creepy connotations, too.  People immediately think mass murderer or serial killer... and that's not the truth.   I don't want my friends to be afraid of my son.  I only told the ones that have known him his whole life...the ones that knew him when he was him.  They were shocked and heartbroken, and then wonderful.  I've been the bad friend.... choosing to be distant.

I think I am depressed.  I don't want meds though... I just want this gloom to pass.  I have to work things out in my mind - and I know I can.   I'll get through this dark tunnel,  the mess in my mind will be settled, done and over, and I'll be stronger once I come out on the other side. Time is what I need. I think grief and loss are important emotions to feel and live through.  I don't want to cheat myself out of the feelings and just medicate myself out of life.  But I do kind of miss my friends... having people over, bbqs, pool parties, fun and laughs.   The fun is gone right now - I long for it - but I don't feel like having fun...even though I wish for it.   Strange. 

But I have changed and part of me is not so "me".  I was thinking of a way to describe it because it's only a part of me that's not so me... I still have a part that can be fun and laugh...but it's less of me...buried deep ..doesn't show itself so easily.  I'd say I'm like a Venn diagram now.... A dark black circle overlapping a bright sunny white one, gray where they overlap...

THIS part of me - where I have to face this disease -  is in the black. Most of me is there right now. When I'm with Lucy and Jojo I can move into the gray and sometimes even into the white - but it's an effort... I don't want their young happy lives to be tainted by garbage and sadness.  The white circle is where I used to be a majority of the time..sometimes slipping into the gray. I was there only a short few months ago when things were looking  more on the positive side. That's when Jojo told me that I am "always happy". I think that is the best compliment I have ever received.   Back then I had happiness and hope in my life holding me above the murky water.  That's gone now and I'm sinking. 

Looking back on those recent happy months, maybe that precious happiness was just a distraction, keeping me from focusing on the dark mess that I wanted so much to avoid.  Now I'm stuck...and alone.  No choice but to stare this dark mess down, focus on it, and fix it.  Then I'll get that happiness and hope back.  I have confidence that I will.. all will be well.  I felt this same type of loss and grief in 2003 when Lucy was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa... losing her sight. At that time, I figured the future held no happiness for me.  I was so filled with sorrow...but as time passed and life worked it's magic, happiness found it's way back to me... and it will again.

To Be Continued....

 

I am just crazy about these two girls of mine... I look at this and smile. 

Sunday August 21

Quick post today! Well, I typed it quick... sorry it's not a quick read!

I woke up with an anxiety stomach ache this morning....not even sure why.  I slept through the night but my husband said Zack was up and walking back and forth in and out of the bathroom every few minutes....he did not sleep well....neither of them did.

We do have Lorazepam in the house again....that may help him sleep better during the night. We did not tell Zack that we have it in the house.....last time we had Lorazepam it was hidden - along with two other meds of his - and he found all three of them and took them at his will.   The Lorazepam is an addictive anti anxiety med ...the Benztropine was used to help with side effects of a medication he was on...  The third prescription he took was Haldol...an anti psychotic - but he had had the injection so did not need the pills!   I didn't even realize he found and took all of these - ALL within less than a two week time frame - until he needed a Lorazepam to sleep and I went to my drawer and found three prescription bottles still in the little Target bag... empty....He loves taking pills.  

The first thing Zack did when he got up this morning was jump in the shower.....the second thing was to come into our room and ask us for cigarettes.   My husband gave him ten and told him to make them last through the day.  I hope Zack can do it.

Yesterday he had none left because he had smoked his two day allotment all in one day...the day prior.  We're trying to keep him at a half a pack a day.  He was really uncomfortable, but my hardass husband wouldn't budge. (he was "trying to teach him a lesson"....)  I had to get ticked off at HIM and argue for Zack before he finally broke and gave him a few cigarettes to get by on.  Zack cannot control himself so we have to try.

Zack did nothing productive yesterday.  He paced... he played computer games... sat in his car in the driveway... slept.  I did ask him to vacuum and he managed to do that, sloppily - after he took a long nap.  In the evening he just looked so bored and confused - like he knew he should be doing something...but what?  Wondering the house... leaving the house... coming back in...wandering again.... So I asked him to come sit and watch TV with us.  He used to love the Colbert Report...so I put that on.  I could see he didn't enjoy watching TV any more.  He just sat and stared but really wasn't comprehending.  That didn't last long and he was walking around again...going in and out every few minutes.  He said he was bored because he "had nothing to smoke".   

My husband's "teach him a lesson" stuff is crap and doesn't sit well with me.  I am a softie - I know it - but how can you teach somebody that has no control over their mind a lesson?  I don't see any good coming from the "lesson". I see that Zack does not understand consequences and how they relate to his actions... his thoughts aren't logical and he's not able to look ahead and think to himself, "If I do this...then either this or that may happen"....He has a severe mental illness.   To me, it's obvious from the destructive choices he continuously  makes for himself that he does not get it... he doesn't realize what repercussions his actions may bring.  Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think so.

My husband is holding a grudge.  He is still mad about the missing money... the missing coin collection... the drugs...the disturbed sleep.... everything recent...and in the past.   That's what I see....and it annoys me.  I believe the kid cannot help it.  But my husband's grudge shows itself pretty clearly now and then and it just stirs up the shit and my resentful feelings.   He has only been to ONE doctor appointment... He hasn't sat in emergency rooms... he hasn't made calls... spilled his guts and the kid's guts and faults all over therapists' offices..... talked to social workers and nurses...argued with hospital personnel....filled out paperwork.... Yes I am resentful.  I have a grudge too, I guess. 

 Zack was on his way out to have his first smoke this morning and I remembered to have him take his Saphris.

He had a smoke, came in, and said to me.. .."Can I go buy some new socks today?"  OK...do I have a sign on me that says "stupid sucker"?  He's thinking I'm just going to hand over cash to him?  After the "lost" $5.00 he used for drugs two days ago?   I reminded him again that I cannot trust him with money.   He said he would go to Kohls and put them on hold and then  I go pay for them.   I told him if he's going to put socks on hold he should put some jeans, shoes, slippers, and tees on hold too.  So, that was the plan..but he showed up here, not an an hour later, because he's just too tired to shop.  That Saphris..... now he'll probably sleep the day away and be up all night again.   He's just about half way through the free samples....I am losing hope in Saphris being the magic pill. He cannot function if he's this tired.  

My husband had to go into the office today.  It's a good thing Zack was able to have his half pack of cigarettes today or he would have been hounding me all day for money to buy cigars....and I may have caved.

To Be Continued.....

I remember the first time we met Mulan...she asked the girls,
"Do you bring honor to your family?"

  That made me tear up... they really do.  If I didn't have them, I would be lost.

Saturday August 20th

 Zack has a job!!  Zack lost the job.... Zack does drugs.   Same story, just different order of events.....

We had some excitement here yesterday.

I tried to call his doctor's office regarding the continued positive symptoms of the Schizophrenia.  They were not in yesterday.... so I'll wait until Monday.  I don't like to bother the doctor when he's not in the office.  It's not an emergency.   I also gave "Family Services" another call.  Again it was answered by voice mail.  I left another message, using my serious, bordering on pissed off, voice... and let them know that I have been waiting over a week for a call from a case worker and 48 hours for a return call regarding scheduling a psychiatrist appointment.   Aggravating...and all day yesterday still no return call.  I'm tempted to push the button for people that are "In crisis and need immediate attention".  I fit that description.  I'll try again Tuesday and I may even ask Dr. K's office to give it a go.  Maybe they'll have luck getting through to a person.

After I returned home from dropping Zack off at his TAPS group I realized, oh my God.... I forgot to have him take the morning Saphris dose.  ugh.  We had a lot of hustling and rushing going on so that he could run out and buy himself a cigar before leaving with me for group.   I really need a system so I don't forget.  If I don't remember, nobody else here will.

Jojo and I spent the day getting her ready for back to school.   She's starting middle school in a couple weeks.  We brought her supplies over to the school, stocked up and organized her locker, and met her homeroom teacher.  What a super nice lady - the same teacher Lucy had for her 6th grade homeroom.   She remembered Lucy...everybody that knows Lucy adores her.... luckily I didn't run into any old timers that may have remembered and asked about Zack.  I never know what to say when teachers ask.....how to reply.  There have been situations where they've asked - Zack was a memorable character, too...super smart and funny.   I have always lied in the past.... said he's at community college....doing well.... ha.  That's easier on everyone involved - nobody enjoys hearing this truth..and I dislike telling it...and hopefully the ones I've lied to never find out differently.

I picked up Zack at 230pm... I noticed he wore those dumb ragged slippers out in public.  I didn't catch that as we left in the morning... I asked him why he wears them out of the house so much.  He told me he has no socks.   Really?  That answer surprised me... he has dozens of socks.  I wonder what he did with them?... weird.  I need to take a photo of those ugly beat up slippers...they're barely even recognizable as some type of footwear any more.  I bought them last winter when he came home from the hospital.  He was so pathetic and scared about his situation - his disease.  I wanted to do anything I could to make his life here with us easier and more comfortable... and these slippers were purchased with that in mind... I knew he was now a smoker... and would be going in and out of the house in the cold to smoke in his car....so these slippers seemed one simple thing...one of many things I bought for and did for him....with hope.   They are (were originally)  moccasin style with a warm furry woolly lining and rubber soles...snuggly.  But at this point they've certainly seen better days.   I don't like how he doesn't care about his appearance.  I do remember my neighbor's creepy tree trimmers and how they looked like "insane asylum" candidates... I don't want people to look at my son and think that he's one.....even though he is.

I asked him what they talked about in the group.  "Nothing.  Nobody talks."  I said it seems like people could say a lot in five hours.   Blank....no reply.  He just kept staring forward..... Well, I told myself at least he is out of the house for five hours sitting with other people - even if nobody does any talking....and not sitting in his room or car alone.. .making me feel some odd kind of guilt.....

As soon as we got home, I had him take that misssed Saphris dose.    Not ten minutes later he got a call on his cell - about a job.  I had mixed feelings.... turned out it was a Chinese restaurant delivery job.  He could still participate in the group during the day and then work after 5 pm... so it could be a possibility for him.   My biggest concern is the money he'd have.... cash tips.  Cash and Zack equals substance abuse.  That is now a definite truth....reality.  I asked him  about that..how would he handle having cash...I let him know I was worried.... he answered me vaguely.  I don't even remember what nonsense he said - and he replied three times  - because it was so out there - his words had nothing to do with answering my question or calming my worries.  But he was all excited about this opportunity.  He was scrambling around getting ready when he discovered his drivers license missing.   GREAT..that put a kink in his plans.  He searched everywhere.... it didn't turn up.  So he asked for $5.00 to run over to the DMV and get a new license... and then he planned to head straight to the new job.  I was so unsure and so uneasy....but he was so thrilled to be finally called for a delivery job.... I slipped... gave him the money he needed.  I am too soft hearted I know it.

To make a long story shorter... he showed up at home early.  Obviously he did not work.

His story was that he went to the DMV... and they told him there is a "hold" on his license for unpaid fines.  I am calling bull on that one.  What unpaid fines?  For what??  He couldn't answer that clearly....or logically.    We have already spent a small fortune paying his fines and restitution over the past year and a half....I sensed there was some deception at work here.  He is a liar.  I know it.

Plus he said he "lost" the $5.00.....and reminded me that he "lost $40 in the past..($40 did go missing, but that money wasn't "lost")  this is only $5.00...so what's the big deal?"   Well...the big deal is the kid cannot be trusted out of my sight.  I knew there was something not quite true about this "hold" baloney....and then.... A couple hours later Jojo says to me.. "I think Dad just caught Zack doing drugs in his car"....what??!?  He was caught by my husband smoking spice out of a crushed Mountain Dew can in his car parked in the driveway.   Apparently that "lost" money was used to buy drugs....Any chance that kid gets he drugs himself up....and destroys more of his mind.  I'm not even sure he even bothered with the DMV.  Now have to call about the "hold" on his drivers license.. is it true or not?   If it's true, that's another problem I have to figure out.  He lost the delivery job pretty quickly.  That job he was all enthused about.   Done and over in a matter of hours.

When he left the hospital last December, he was told that if he continues to use street drugs he would damage his brain even more and wind up back in the hospital - for sure.  No doubt of it...the doctors and nurses in the hospital have seen this pattern with dual diagnosed patients time after time.  He was scared about that for maybe two months.  Then that fear of rehospitalization wore off and he was back to making dumbass decisions and drugging.


I thought this would be a short post today - sorry for the rant.  I am so numb about the kid right now.  Almost feeling apathetic...and empty.  Sometimes I almost feel like my love for him is gone...that's what I feel today.  I'm not sad... or mad... or disappointed.  Why bother feeling those emotions?   I don't know him anymore.  There is nothing I know in him today to love.  It's a strange detached feeling.  Probably some sort of self preservation.

I don't even know what to say.