Friday August 19

It was a rough night last night.  Out of the dark, in the quiet... Zack's voice carried.  He was talking to the mysterious visitors in his mind.  I listened from my bed... but couldn't make out the words.   I was so tired I couldn't open my eyes to look at the clock.  I don't know how long it continued.   I just lay there listening and then worrying.  My head is pounding with a tension headache I cannot shake....it's been hovering for days.  As I lay there stressing,  I noticed my face felt really scrunched and tight... after Zack finished conversing and the silence returned to the dark, I tried to just relax my muscles and concentrate on the calm...let my troubles go....slowly breathe them away...  I did a little of my own mental "It will be OK"ing,  trying to convince myself.... that thought twisting helped me get back to sleep.  I woke up with the headache.

I just want some of this business resolved.  I'd feel like I was moving forward if I would only get a call back from "Family Services".    I don't like things left hanging... making me uneasy.  Reminding me that I am powerless over this disease.  And over our situation. Relying on little magic pills and unknown people.

Last night he told me he felt "Delirious".... delirious?  The medicine was making him "Spacey".... this from somebody that uses any type of hallucinogens he can find.   I have noticed that on Saphris he is extremely drowsy but the petrified, disoriented look has left his eyes.   Still digging for that hope that Saphris may be our little dose of magic.  I'm going to call his doctor today and mention the voices...his and the mysterious ones. 

Zack is getting ready for his group now.  He doesn't go willingly.  Involvement in this group was a qualifier for his continuing to live in our home with us.  He is an adult...we do not have to keep him here.   On the anti psychotic meds his nasty emotional outbursts are kept under control.  He is much more passive....we are lucky. 

He just approached me...wearing the same clothes that he wore yesterday....even after his shower...and asked me for a dollar.. He needs a dollar for a cigar.  We used to give him money for his cigarettes and he'd go buy what he wanted....but recently, since we discovered his continued substance abuse, all cash has been cut off.  We took charge by purchasing the cigarettes and doling them out - a pack every couple days....once he gets that pack, though, he smokes the whole thing within hours... we'll have to try a new tactic... half a pack each day.  Zack has no self control....he is like a child and wants that immediate gratification. 

I asked him why he smoked the whole pack yesterday... He said he's "stressed out" because we want to send him to a group home.  The group home idea has barely been mentioned... obviously it's a big fear of his that he's clinging to this worry.  I told him we want to do what's best for him.  TRUE....we have tried to help him...no success.  He said we want to do what's best FOR US.  Also true.

To Be Continued.....

When he had friends.....