I had a busy afternoon yesterday. Zack told me he did wind up putting some jeans on a hold at Kohls, so while he was at his TAPS group I ran to the store to purchase them. I had my fingers crossed the whole drive over that he really did put them on hold...and I wouldn't show up at customer service, wait in line, only to be told they couldn't find anything..."What's the name again? Could it be under a different name?" Ha. That's happened before... but the jeans were there, and now they're here and his. I also picked up some socks for the kid.... that's what he originally wanted to go shopping for. He said he has no socks....now he does.
When Zack got in the car after his TAPS group.... he seemed a bit more alert...a bit. Maybe wishful thinking on my part, but he even volunteered the info that he stayed awake for the group. His reality is always a bit "off" so I do hope it is true and he didn't just put his head down and snooze the hours away...dreaming he was participating...doing his own wishful thinking.
I am still waiting for a scheduling call from "Family Services"....and that case manager's call....let them drag their feet...fine with me....that way he can stay in their group longer, and we can have more time to see if these magic meds will do the trick. I'm also now waiting for my own psychiatrist's office to return my calls regarding the Saphris...and whether to continue it or change it up to something else. I know these anti psychotic meds can take weeks for all the benefits to show themselves.. longer for Zack because he's been using other substances....but I'm not sure if the benefits - if any - can outweigh the drowsy spacey side effects.
Zack had already smoked his half pack of cigarettes by the time I picked him up at 2:15. Today I'll suggest he leave a couple at home...just so he's forced to save a few for later in the day and evening.
Then I had to take Jojo to her first ballet class of the school year...but before we could head over to the dance studio we had to run across town to the dance store and buy new leotards, tights, and skirts. Always running last minute.... We thought her ballet class was from 4:14 to 5:15 as it's been the past several years....but we were wrong. We showed up and I didn't recognize anybody else - where were my mom friends?!? I usually enjoy sitting there chatting with the moms for an hour and having some laughs about life. It was dismaying to see nobody I knew. Fifteen minutes into the class Miss V came out to say.... "Jojo is in the wrong class!" She asked if 5:15 to 6:15 would work out for us... absolutely.... so we dinked around, ran for a Diet Coke and ice cream, and then returned for the later class and my mom friends.
It was nice to catch up with everybody. The girls have been in various dance classes together since they were three years old. The moms and I have sat together a lot over the years commiserating on kids and school and "stuff".. so they know some of the struggles we've lived through with my son. Of course they asked how it's going. I have never mentioned the Schizophrenia...and I still don't feel secure enough to throw that word out there... so I put on my game face, smiled and shook my head, looked at Jojo sitting next to me... she looked a bit uneasy and made a nervous chuckle. She was probably wondering how I would answer that one...I said, "Not too well... but at least he's not in jail." They laughed and that answer was good enough. Because it's true.
When we pulled into the driveway after dance, we saw Zack wondering around outside on the side of the house. My suspicion was raised.... something appeared shady. There's no reason for him to be over on that side of the house...there's nothing there but the A/C unit and firewood....something was not quite right with this scene. As we approached the garage he started walking toward his car parked in the driveway. I don't think he even noticed us pulling in. I got out of my car and asked him what he was doing... he always puts on a confused expression when confronted. Not sure if that is on purpose because he is a maniupulator (I know he is) or if it's part of this disease and he really is often confused and unsure. Sometimes it just seems a convenient confused. He looked uneasy to be caught...which made me even more suspicious. He said "Nothing." I doubted that. He continued with his story that he was going to use the "side door" -which he knows is locked as always - so that couldn't be true...I asked if he locked himself out of the house..."No"..... but that was that and no more information was forth coming. He was done talking and obviously he felt like that was good enough explanation to get me off his back. But it wasn't...I've discovered with him that if I push it, he just puts a wall up and acts dazed. How much of that is real and natural and how much is acting.... I don't know.
Well... I threw dinner together and we all sat and talked and laughed. Actually, we talked and laughed. Zack ate. But I brought up the odd, side of the house wanderings.... thinking maybe my husband would get some more information out of Zack. He can be annoyingly persistent and I figured this may be a time to put that trait to use. Turns out....and I don't know even if this is the truth or not.... Zack said he was "going to the bathroom" out there. We burst out laughing... Seriously?? The girls and I were mortified... I think even my husband was stunned and surprised at that weird answer. OK...is what he did crazy? or a guy thing? I lean toward "crazy"...but I'm a female...but then again that side of our house is the closest to any neighbors we have, only separated by our stack of firewood and a thin line of trees..... people driving by on the road could have seen him doing his thing.....there is a bathroom conveniently located on the first floor of the house, maybe 25 steps from entering....hello? He was just being odd. He likes to hang out in his car and smoke...but he had no cigarettes left... so he was just hanging out being isolated...and decided to relieve himself in the most handy place..crazy...and lazy. After we got past our shock that Zack would do that... Lucy suggests, "If you're going to start peeing outside why don't you shower outside with the hose, too?" That idea cracked us all up... not Zack though.
The ironic thing is I cannot get Penny to pee on the grass lately. I told Zack he probably put his "scent" on the grass and she doesn't think it's her territory anymore.... (just kidding) Penny has been pooping and peeing on the back deck recently. At first I thought it was just her lazy way of doing her business and then getting inside faster for her treat. She likes to play dumb...but she's cunning - and she's so darn cute and cuddly she winds up getting away with too much...but inappropriate defecating and urinating is not going to fly with me.
I caught Penny taking her shortcut the other day.... so I decided I'd let her out and also make her aware that I was overseeing her actions, hoping maybe she'd stay in line, get her furry self onto the grass, and do the right thing. Nope. She walked a few feet from where I was standing and let loose, peeing on the deck....I screamed, ran, grabbed her collar and dragged her fluffy butt off the deck onto the grass - with her fighting me and peeing nonstop the whole way. By the time we got on the grass she was empty and done. ughgghghghggg...that dog.
The past few days I have been her bathroom buddy, going out with her and trying to coax her onto the grass. She makes a fuss every single time about it. I have to forcibly drag her by the collar off the deck....with her digging her nails into the cedar and my feet slipping and sliding the whole way. She's floppy but strong! There are two ways down off the deck and I've tried both. Neither one appeals to her. Once I have her down the steps, if I let go of her collar she jumps right back up and runs for the door to go back inside the house. I have to push or pull her down to the grass, with her resisting the whole way, drag her out to a nice grassy area and command her to "Go potty"... and she will...if I stay there near her, guarding her like a warden. I don't know what she could have seen on that grass to have terrified her of our yard, but she's become neurotic. She now fits right in with the rest of us.
Today is our last day of summer.... school starts tomorrow for Lucy.... and I am seriously having anxiety about us being up and ready for a 6:07 am bus pick up. Last year the bus drove up at about 6:30am and that was an effort for us...but we did it and even managed to become used to it. 6:07 just seems.... night ish!
We have a few errands to run and last minute things to wrap up as our summer fun comes to an end. New adventures around the corner!
"This has gotta be the good life.. this has gotta be the good life...this could really be a good life, good life..."
To Be Continued.....
2006...When he was fun
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