I heard Zack go by my room on his way to the bathroom. He does sleep so much better on the Saphris that he is able to wake up in the mornings...and he doesn't nap the afternoon away. I don't know what crossed my mind to make me think about his future....but I was relaxed and caught off guard, the worries slipped in.... Will he ever be married? Or have a girlfriend again? Will he have a normal life....ever? Right now I kind of tend toward 'no'.....and - wow - that hit me hard and made me suddenly really sad for him. Does he have his own concerns for his own life? I'm not sure. I'm not sure what load of grief is he carrying with this disease. Or maybe that's the blessing in disguise under all this crap.....he doesn't comprehend what schizophrenia could mean for him. I do.
My husband's limo picked him up and we all hugged and kissed - said our goodbyes... so strange....I didn't even realize it until right now, typing this out, that he did not say goodbye to Zack...Zack wasn't around...Zack is not usually with us.....He probably isn't even aware that his dad is gone now. I wonder when he'll notice.
Soon after my husband left, the girls and I had to go run some errands. I said goodbye to Penny...and told her, "I'll be back soon".... We were in the garage, getting in the car to leave, and I noticed Zack sitting in his car in the driveway having a smoke. I said those same words to Zack..."Goodbye... I'll be back soon".... Weird that I say the same things to my dog that I do to my 20 year old son.... but the dog probably heard me.
One errand was to pick up the Saphris... I was relieved to discover that at the dose he's on, the cost out of pocket is under $100 a month. I had apprehension... never know if I'm going to step up there and the pharmacist will shock me with the news that I owe some hideous amount for the magic potion that I'm not prepared to cover. There's always that fear when I pick up a brand new anti psychotic. The cost.
Lucy had control of my ipod...Christmas music came on while we were driving....She skipped right by it after a couple measures, but I heard enough to make me speculate... Christmas... four months away.... so much can happen between now and then. Will I finally be happy at Christmas? Will I find closure with friends...and have forgiven what I'm capable of? Could I have fun shopping and wrapping and baking? Or will I be heartbroken and still sorrowful, drudging through the Christmas chores, putting on a merry act for the girls......Where will my son be and will he be well by Christmas? I remember feeling so lighthearted...singing and watching favorite old holiday movies.... I pray this gloom passes over me. I feel like so much time is being wasted feeling miserable and scared. I miss happiness.
For some reason as much as I want to try and choose happiness... I am having a bad day today... maybe it's because my husband is gone and I am alone... or that I had a cold shower because when I asked Zack to not use up all the hot water he "forgot"...and stayed in for over and hour...maybe the fact that Zack has passed me several times and not even acknowledged my presence.....or it could just all the fear of the unknown that snuck up on me for some odd reason this morning.
I'm going to walk Penny under the blue skies and sunshine... listen to either music or a Disney podcast... read and do laundry. Try to keep busy to avoid the gloom invading my day.
Change of plans... as I was finishing this entry my neighbor knocked on the door. She had her two dogs and asked if I could walk. I have been avoiding her for months. Just did not feel like talking - she knows....and I am ashamed. But today, I had no excuse so I went. It was good for both of us and I think we'll walk again tomorrow.
When I am feeling low and insecure like today, I have something in my back pocket....a little picker upper in my mind... .Somebody I admire complimented me a while back....Somebody that knows nothing of Zack's problem. Her words came unexpectedly and freely. She doesn't even know how much what she said meant to me - but I keep her words close to my heart for when I need them. She told me that I am one of the most beautiful people she knows, inside and out... and it radiates from within. Gosh... that made me cry then and it makes me cry now, typing it...but I think what a generous person she was to tell me that - whether it's true or not. I hope someday I can say something to somebody that would mean that much to them...when they're down they can draw on my words and feel their spirit lift. What a gift she gave me.
Weekends are long for Zack. He is restless..bored...nowhere to go.....no friends... no money. Nothing...but a 48 hour stretch of time and a pack of cigarettes. Dr. M told me she is concerned about him driving - and driving gives him too much freedom. He cannot be trusted. So it's an uncomfortably long couple days for him.... and me. Saturday and Sunday are a reminder of his indefinite future.
To Be Continued.....
Zack 2007
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