Monday August 15th Part 1

"Zack's making weird noises"

I woke up to some snapping and a funky clap bang noise coming from Zack's room.   Thankfully I slept like a rock. We had to get up early today to start the new group.  It's been a long time since I slept straight through the night....his coughing, pacing, trips through the house for food and soda at all hours... leaving to go outside for a smoke....my worrying.... The snapping.....I remember back last fall when that snapping started.  The house would be quiet..and then SNAP.   When the mental health crisis worker was at our home evaluating my son I told her about the strange snapping.  She barked at me.  That is not part of the disease.  Well....for the four of us living in this house with my son the snapping has become part of the disease.  To us it's a sign that the psychosis has come creeping back into our lives.  The snapping is a signal.   It's like he is trying to either clear his head of all the scattered unwanted thoughts....or nail down something important and save it there...pin it on his inner bulletin board in his brain.   But that snap is a quiet alarm and wake up call to us.... a single snap can take us from a place of laughter to silence.   We know with certainty that my son's snapping is most definitely a part of the disease.  The psychosis is back with us.

I checked to see that Penny was sleeping on the floor next to my bed.  A big black flokati rug.... my watch dog.  She unknowingly turned into my security dog last winter.   Although I'm not sure she would bark if he entered my room.... he has her won over by feeding her all kinds of people food and even Orange Crush in her water bowl. (she told him she's bored with the same old food and plain water so he was doing her a favor)  I'm not really afraid of him.  He's a very passive person, but a part of me is uneasy.  He tells people things about me that make me believe he hates me...or part of him does...the part I don't understand.  I'm the crazy one, different from other parents... my daughters hate me...my husband is sorry he married me...And his sisters? I have a little fear for them.   He is very indifferent to them at this point...he doesn't take notice of them.   I have uncertainty when he is in a psychotic state, overwhelmed by the mystery inside his mind.  I don't know that world or how it effects his concept of this world... It feels comforting to have Penny - even though she's just a big cuddly bear - lying there with me.  Another set of eyes watching what happens in the house and her big floppy ears listening for movements.   I always keep my bedroom door open because I have that unease...I need to keep track of where he is in the house.....

We are getting ready to go and register for the new "Family Services" group.  I haven't seen Zack yet this morning...not sure how he's dressed.  He doesn't really care what he wears.  He goes for comfort...despite embarrassment....we should all be so lucky.  He wears whatever he pulls together - and his slippers.   He doesn't care what people think.    His comment to me about the slippers was something like "So what... they'll think I'm crazy" and he laughed - but this was back several months ago.  I haven't heard him laugh in quite a long time....so he wears slippers out whenever he wants.   He had soup for breakfast.  I guess he eats whatever he wants, too.

To Be Continued.....

Zack 13, Lucy 7, Josie 3.5

Part 1 August 14th


Part 2 August 14th

Part 2 August 15th