Late yesterday afternoon Zack asked me, while looking all wide eyed and petrified...but without the adrenaline I'd think a petrified person would have..he looked terrified but calm....for a dollar to buy a cigar. He just cannot pace himself on the half pack of cigarettes a day. I had to be tough and tell him no. If I gave him the dollar... a couple hours later he'd want another. I've been soft with him before and soft doesn't benefit him. Soft is only a quick fix. He has no self restraint.
Soon after I told him no dollar, I saw him out in the yard walking slowly...looking at the ground. He went from the front yard all around to the back, to the shady area near the woods. Slowly hunting for something hidden in the grass....I watched him circle around searching....he didn't seem to find what he was looking for until he came around to the front again, bent, and picked something. At that moment I burst out of the house and confronted him....I knew what he did.
This just blows my mind...who would have thought that kids would be eating "magic mushrooms" - picked from wherever they find them - to get a high? I would have NEVER thought to put some funky weird wildly grown fungus in my mouth... in my body....brain. But it's common now.... just have to google and you'll find chat forums about them...how tos. It's disgusting. I called him out on it and of course, as expected he denied it. I am full of it. I'm the ridiculous one...I'm over reacting.
Jojo was home..she knew what he did. It's not right that an 11 year old has to worry about her brother dying. Possibly killing himself by eating crap he picks in the yard, on a quest for his high. She went and googled and looked up information on poisonous mushrooms. That's just not something a little sister should have to be concerned with. It makes me ill that he has brought this nastiness into his sisters' lives.
And I am so aggravated with that kid for constantly sabotaging himself. I just don't understand it - I don't know if the addiction to substances is THAT BAD that he cannot not drug himself up...or is it the schizophrenia? Does he just not get it- that he's making the disease worse? Can he not rationalize on any level that what he is doing is killing his mind? He is doing damage to himself. We see it. There seems to be no stopping him. He has no self control - he will do what he wants to himself. He'll find a way to get that high no matter the restrictions placed on him. The reality of the situation shocks and scares me.
Last night I was set to call "Family Services" today... and his psychiatrist. I wanted to let everybody involved know what he's doing - on my own search for help I thought I'd share this latest bit of drugging with the professionals....let them know that the kid needs saving from himself. But then as today played out, I thought...why? What good will calling anybody do? What can they do?? The answer is nothing.
Today his TAPS group was cut short to 1 pm. Zack told me somebody wasn't there....so he's been roaming the house longer than normal. Bored and restless....showering and not smoking because between 8 am and 1 pm he smoked all his allotted cigarettes. He asked me for a dollar today, too. No. He just asked me for sixty cents....No.
I took the girls out to an early dinner. For a few seconds it seemed Zack was actually interested in joining us....there was a spark....I saw by his facial expressions there was some kind of inner war going on within himself... He got kind of excited about coming with, out to eat.. but then suddenly he changed his mind and said, "I'll stay home"... it's so odd...like part of him almost wants to be normal and social, but then something - maybe a voice inside him - holds him back. It was such a quick mysterious change of heart. So the girls and I went out, had our dinner and our laughs, then came home to a quiet house... Zack in his room as always...alone.
I am very frustrated.... it seems we make a little headway with the Saphris - so far no magic but at least he sleeps through the night....so we sleep through the night. But one little step forward and he smacks it all down and back by adding more substances to his chemically saturated system.
I just don't know where this path is going with him...or taking us.....but today it seems downhill.
To Be Continued.......
Rough ride ahead.....for all of us
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