I woke up with an anxiety stomach ache this morning....not even sure why. I slept through the night but my husband said Zack was up and walking back and forth in and out of the bathroom every few minutes....he did not sleep well....neither of them did.
We do have Lorazepam in the house again....that may help him sleep better during the night. We did not tell Zack that we have it in the house.....last time we had Lorazepam it was hidden - along with two other meds of his - and he found all three of them and took them at his will. The Lorazepam is an addictive anti anxiety med ...the Benztropine was used to help with side effects of a medication he was on... The third prescription he took was Haldol...an anti psychotic - but he had had the injection so did not need the pills! I didn't even realize he found and took all of these - ALL within less than a two week time frame - until he needed a Lorazepam to sleep and I went to my drawer and found three prescription bottles still in the little Target bag... empty....He loves taking pills.
The first thing Zack did when he got up this morning was jump in the shower.....the second thing was to come into our room and ask us for cigarettes. My husband gave him ten and told him to make them last through the day. I hope Zack can do it.
Yesterday he had none left because he had smoked his two day allotment all in one day...the day prior. We're trying to keep him at a half a pack a day. He was really uncomfortable, but my hardass husband wouldn't budge. (he was "trying to teach him a lesson"....) I had to get ticked off at HIM and argue for Zack before he finally broke and gave him a few cigarettes to get by on. Zack cannot control himself so we have to try.
Zack did nothing productive yesterday. He paced... he played computer games... sat in his car in the driveway... slept. I did ask him to vacuum and he managed to do that, sloppily - after he took a long nap. In the evening he just looked so bored and confused - like he knew he should be doing something...but what? Wondering the house... leaving the house... coming back in...wandering again.... So I asked him to come sit and watch TV with us. He used to love the Colbert Report...so I put that on. I could see he didn't enjoy watching TV any more. He just sat and stared but really wasn't comprehending. That didn't last long and he was walking around again...going in and out every few minutes. He said he was bored because he "had nothing to smoke".
My husband's "teach him a lesson" stuff is crap and doesn't sit well with me. I am a softie - I know it - but how can you teach somebody that has no control over their mind a lesson? I don't see any good coming from the "lesson". I see that Zack does not understand consequences and how they relate to his actions... his thoughts aren't logical and he's not able to look ahead and think to himself, "If I do this...then either this or that may happen"....He has a severe mental illness. To me, it's obvious from the destructive choices he continuously makes for himself that he does not get it... he doesn't realize what repercussions his actions may bring. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think so.
My husband is holding a grudge. He is still mad about the missing money... the missing coin collection... the drugs...the disturbed sleep.... everything recent...and in the past. That's what I see....and it annoys me. I believe the kid cannot help it. But my husband's grudge shows itself pretty clearly now and then and it just stirs up the shit and my resentful feelings. He has only been to ONE doctor appointment... He hasn't sat in emergency rooms... he hasn't made calls... spilled his guts and the kid's guts and faults all over therapists' offices..... talked to social workers and nurses...argued with hospital personnel....filled out paperwork.... Yes I am resentful. I have a grudge too, I guess.
Zack was on his way out to have his first smoke this morning and I remembered to have him take his Saphris.
He had a smoke, came in, and said to me.. .."Can I go buy some new socks today?" OK...do I have a sign on me that says "stupid sucker"? He's thinking I'm just going to hand over cash to him? After the "lost" $5.00 he used for drugs two days ago? I reminded him again that I cannot trust him with money. He said he would go to Kohls and put them on hold and then I go pay for them. I told him if he's going to put socks on hold he should put some jeans, shoes, slippers, and tees on hold too. So, that was the plan..but he showed up here, not an an hour later, because he's just too tired to shop. That Saphris..... now he'll probably sleep the day away and be up all night again. He's just about half way through the free samples....I am losing hope in Saphris being the magic pill. He cannot function if he's this tired.
My husband had to go into the office today. It's a good thing Zack was able to have his half pack of cigarettes today or he would have been hounding me all day for money to buy cigars....and I may have caved.
To Be Continued.....
I remember the first time we met Mulan...she asked the girls,
"Do you bring honor to your family?"
"Do you bring honor to your family?"
That made me tear up... they really do. If I didn't have them, I would be lost.
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