I got up this morning to go to the bathroom and wondered where my Penny was... I don't know where she sleeps if not in my room. Went back to bed and my furry friend must have heard me awake and walking. She plodded into my room to keep me company. I tucked myself back in bed and Penny jumped up to join me and cuddle. She's a good cuddler...likes to be touching and lying on me...snuggling into me close. She put her paws on my thigh.. and rested her big fluffy head on her legs...keeping me still and warm under her weight....but she's a squirrely toddler - she'll be two in October - and can't lie in the same position for long....she flopped over and wrapped her front legs around my arm and put her soft chin on my shoulder. How does she know I just love the way she does this? We rested like that together until it was time to wake Zack so he could get ready for his group. It took about 20 minutes and several attempts to rouse him.
Penny and I heard a school bus go by while we were resting...the drivers are practicing their routes.....school starts next week for Lucy and then the following week for Jojo. The bus schedules arrived in the mail yesterday.... Lucy gets picked up at 607 am down the road. She is blind....down the road won't work. Every year they do this - the wrong pick up address... every year I have to call the bus company and remind them... Lucy cannot see....she is blind....we need the bus pick up and drop off in our driveway. Something so important and nobody ever seems to make a note of it. Lucy is incredible and so highly functioning that people don't realize she is blind. Sometimes that causes trouble for her. I wonder if people realize that Zack is not highly functioning? He can at times be charming..and he is a tall handsome kid...but the way he dresses like a bum... walks slowly and aimlessly through the neighborhood smoking...in his beat up straggly slippers..snapping....the times he staggered from being drunk on cough medicine. I don't know if anybody has noticed.... At the end of June my neighbor made a comment to me, warning me about the company she hired to trim her trees... she said the crew looked like they came from an "insane asylum".....Did she know? No..she couldn't know my son just got out.... if she knew she wouldn't have made that comment.....people aren't that cruel. I forced myself to go expressionless. I remember those creepy tree trimmers... they did look like they came out of an "insane asylum".
I am not looking forward to school starting in the next couple weeks. I'll miss the sound of my busy happy laughing kids...although as the girls get older they become quieter... stay in their rooms more and talk in hushed whispers with friends...they try and stay away from me and Penny when friends are over. I'll soon have a big quiet house. A lonely house..... I used to enjoy and crave the peace and the solitude of "me time". Something changed. I now prefer to be reminded that I'm not by myself...and that people are having fun. My bouncy Penny Paws will be with me though...she's pretty good company...always near....
I love the trees....the sound of the wind and the birds, the expanse of green grass... and the blue skies...our pool...the hot air balloons that magically rise up behind our woods...then hover over our house...a reminder of something special. We have two beautiful acres... lovely and as I'm realizing... lonely. It's one thing to be happy and alone.. and enjoy peace...but when there is no happy....it's like the good alone becomes a desolate and abandoned alone. I'll be here in the silence....but I'll know somebody else is upstairs..isolated....part of the silence. I hope he can stay in the TAPS group as long as possible. I'll feel better knowing he's out of the quiet house... with people for 5 hours. That will help me appreciate the silence and maybe find some peace.
I have to remember to give Zack his Saphris twice a day... after going for about seven weeks without meds (he was on a shot of Geodon from June to July...then the Sustenna) I have to train myself to remember and hope he follows my direction of no drinking or eating for 10 minutes after taking the pill. I haven't noticed anything remarkable yet on this med... not sure when I should. He's only had 3 doses so far. Remaining hopeful though.
I called "Family Services" yesterday to try and schedule that second opinion....any extension I tried went to a voice mail....so I am waiting for a call back. I know from previous experience of trying to schedule a meeting regarding the TAPS group that they don't return calls quickly...mental illness isn't such a big deal - no rush to return the call? Or.. more likely is that it's too big a deal and they are overwhelmed with calls requesting help.
Have to run Zack to his group. I am going to look through his paperwork and see what they've been talking about.... OK - here he is...dressed and ready and telling me he can't go today... he feels sick. He's going.
To Be Continued.....
My sweet and sassy buddy - the one that loves herself some Orange Crush
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