Monday August 15th Part 2

So... I dropped Zack off.   We met with Abby who is a therapist in charge of the group, T.A.P.S.  "Taking a Positive Step".  This group will last anywhere from 6 weeks to more...depending. It's based on the individual...I am thinking they believe Zack will be in longer because he kept asking how long and they evaded.  The longer the better.  The group teaches coping and life skills.  Then he will start a dual diagnosis program for people with mental illness and substance abuse issues.   But Zack sat there and denied he has either problem. 

I saw what he was wearing as we were getting in the car... yep...slippers... and torn up baggy jeans worn low...a tee and polar fleece jacket... at least the polar fleece was appropriate..it's in the low 60s here now. I hope they teach him how to dress in TAPS, too, because he has the look of homeless.

I am really lucky - the program is only about 6 minutes north of us.  Very conveniently located for me to be running him back and forth for weeks.  I can do a lot of thinking in a quiet car ride for 6 minutes though....good thing it's not a longer drive.... I realized that the only reason we ever go more than 2 minutes north is for mental health issues.  Once past Ames Road we are headed to mental health help....his psychiatrist, therapist, and hospital, and this family services are all north.... and that I am wearing my mental health outfit ....the same thing I wore when Zack was admitted to the hospital in June.... an aubergine tee, khaki capris, and a denim jacket...  different clothes,  but the same.  Weird the things ya remember about monumental moments.... clothes.  Is the rest just too awful?  Or...do I really care about clothes that much?  I also remembered going to the bathroom while he was in ER and looking at myself in the mirror... tan & freckly and tired... and lonely...and wondering "What next?" - and can I handle the what next....it's been about two months from that day in ER.....today when I look in the mirror I'll have some idea of answers...

I teared up a bit on the way to the program... can't do a lot of damage thinking in 6 minutes...but what I thought of that upset me is that maybe I have too much hope tied up in the big new brick building 6 minutes up the road....too much hope can't be a good thing....that's bordering on my magical bendy twisty thinking....nonsense fairytale happy ending thoughts... I need to bring my thoughts down to reality and take it day by day.  Pace the amount of hope I allow myself to feel.  But for now.... I do have hope and I have two beautiful daughters..... Jojo just came up behind me and put her arms around my shoulders in a quiet hug....the girls never ask what's wrong or comment... just give silent comfort because they know.

To Be Continued......

Zack 12

Part 1 of this entry August 15th