Wednesday August 17th Part 1

Saphris...Day 1.....and random pathetic thoughts...ETA - This is a bad entry.... I wrote it while feeling very gloomy...but now that it's all purged out I feel a sense of relief.  Happy thoughts coming later today... I'll scrape and find some...I know I can.


Zack took that first dose of Saphris in the doctor's office...he is supposed to take another this morning.... I went over to crazy meds last night and read up on what the "Mentally Interesting" ( that's what they call the participants in the forums....I love that!) were saying about their experiences on that medication.  The reports varied.  Some love the stuff - others cannot and will not take it.  I did see that despite my asking the doctor about side effects and being told there were no significant ones.... "sudden death" can be a side effect.  I always kind of chuckled when I saw that particular serious side effect listed on the pharmaceutical commercials...not chuckling now.  Have to look more into this med....It isn't as new as I was told, either... the first posts by users are almost 2 years old.   One of the most commonly mentioned side effect is drowsiness.... and yes that seems to be true.  Zack slept through the night...that was wonderful.  The "Mentally Interesting" say that that super drowsy side effect should wear off after a few days.  Another fact about Saphris is that it is disgusting tasting and numbs the mouth.  Interesting then that the doctor had Zack take that pill in his office...probably waiting for some revolted response...but none came.  Zack actually said he felt it "tingling"...."I feel it working"  he said.  So maybe somewhere inside him he is hopeful too. 

I just dropped Zack off at his group....

I always play my ipod in the car... Music has always been a big part of my life.  It's soothing and healing.   I play a little game with myself with my music on random...I don't know if anybody else does this...but I'm silly sometimes.  I am a believer in signs from everywhere..sixth sense and intuition....little mysterious signals.. hints and clues are there if you look.. .the universe is bigger than we know...I believe in miracles....things we cannot understand...and that everything happens for a reason...as miserable as things can get.  When I turn the music on I let myself get a feel for the day based on what songs come up.  Yesterday it was James Newton Howard's "Flying" from Peter Pan... I always feel a bit lighthearted when I hear that...I'd say it sounds "uplifting" but that would be cheesy...but it IS uplifting...I can hear the magic in that music... it gives me goosebumps every time I hear it... And all the way to the "Family Services" in my mind I told myself,  "It will be OK...It will be OK"...while the magical music played, the sun shone on me, and my hair blew in the wind... I dropped Zack off and sensed something good will come today.  And maybe it did in the Saphris.

Flying - it's beautiful

Today.... on this beautiful sunny morning I got in the car... Enya's "Wild Child" came on...paused from yesterday..and my driving around with Lucy and Jojo.  That song always makes me smile...it's so bouncy and fun....But then my pathetic thoughts started...It's been a while since I felt free and unburdened, bouncy or fun. When I do smile the smile feeling doesn't reach below my neck...or up to my eyes....the "smile" is just centered right there.. in my mouth...around my teeth......that happy light smile feeling that used to infuse my body with joy isn't there in me anymore..I remember it... I miss it.  But it really feels beyond me...out of my grasp.  I have a numbness.  Yet it almost hurts to smile...because it's so unnatural these days.....

Johnny Cash's version of  Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" came on next.  Oh... talk about being brought down low.  This song is how I feel....this one spoke to me today...I hit replay several times and just wanted to absorb the words...and contemplate what the words mean to me.   But with this song there is no happy ending....Although I feel a connection with the mournful lyrics today I need that happy ending possibility....Even though the magic isn't living here anymore I want to have hope that it will thrive in my home and within my heart once again...and that I will once again feel a smile's pleasure through my whole body.

We pulled into the parking lot... saw several people sitting on the curb in front of the building, smoking... Zack got out.   I felt a bit of guilt as I said "Have a good day!" (in a faux happy way - the best I could manage)  He sat on the curb about 10 feet from the others, with his brown bag lunch...and looked alone.  As I circled the parking lot to leave I took one last glance... he was alone still.   Kind of broke my heart....but his aloneness is expected.  As I drove away torturing myself with "Hurt"... I cried.  The pain consumed me...to put all my hope in the group...and this little disgusting white pill...that can cause sudden death....and to know maybe I can't help this kid.....yet it's a special feeling to drive 60 mph through beautiful countryside, with the top off the car, under sunny skies .. my hair and tears blowing and mixing in the wind..whipping across my face...going away in all directions..... kind of curiously freeing.   And cathartic.... get it out and get it away.....

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend

Everyone I know Goes away 

in the end ...

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt  

I wear this crown of thorns (Johnny says "thorns" vs "shit")
Upon my liar's chair  

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair 
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear

You are someone else ...I am still right here 

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

"You are someone else.. I am still right here"... the feeling of grief and hopelessness in these poetic lyrics and the forlorn way that man in black sings it....it's in me.. I want it gone.

To Be Continued.....

Absorbed in thought