We had some excitement here yesterday.
I tried to call his doctor's office regarding the continued positive symptoms of the Schizophrenia. They were not in yesterday.... so I'll wait until Monday. I don't like to bother the doctor when he's not in the office. It's not an emergency. I also gave "Family Services" another call. Again it was answered by voice mail. I left another message, using my serious, bordering on pissed off, voice... and let them know that I have been waiting over a week for a call from a case worker and 48 hours for a return call regarding scheduling a psychiatrist appointment. Aggravating...and all day yesterday still no return call. I'm tempted to push the button for people that are "In crisis and need immediate attention". I fit that description. I'll try again Tuesday and I may even ask Dr. K's office to give it a go. Maybe they'll have luck getting through to a person.
After I returned home from dropping Zack off at his TAPS group I realized, oh my God.... I forgot to have him take the morning Saphris dose. ugh. We had a lot of hustling and rushing going on so that he could run out and buy himself a cigar before leaving with me for group. I really need a system so I don't forget. If I don't remember, nobody else here will.
Jojo and I spent the day getting her ready for back to school. She's starting middle school in a couple weeks. We brought her supplies over to the school, stocked up and organized her locker, and met her homeroom teacher. What a super nice lady - the same teacher Lucy had for her 6th grade homeroom. She remembered Lucy...everybody that knows Lucy adores her.... luckily I didn't run into any old timers that may have remembered and asked about Zack. I never know what to say when teachers ask.....how to reply. There have been situations where they've asked - Zack was a memorable character, too...super smart and funny. I have always lied in the past.... said he's at community college....doing well.... ha. That's easier on everyone involved - nobody enjoys hearing this truth..and I dislike telling it...and hopefully the ones I've lied to never find out differently.
I picked up Zack at 230pm... I noticed he wore those dumb ragged slippers out in public. I didn't catch that as we left in the morning... I asked him why he wears them out of the house so much. He told me he has no socks. Really? That answer surprised me... he has dozens of socks. I wonder what he did with them?... weird. I need to take a photo of those ugly beat up slippers...they're barely even recognizable as some type of footwear any more. I bought them last winter when he came home from the hospital. He was so pathetic and scared about his situation - his disease. I wanted to do anything I could to make his life here with us easier and more comfortable... and these slippers were purchased with that in mind... I knew he was now a smoker... and would be going in and out of the house in the cold to smoke in his car....so these slippers seemed one simple thing...one of many things I bought for and did for him....with hope. They are (were originally) moccasin style with a warm furry woolly lining and rubber soles...snuggly. But at this point they've certainly seen better days. I don't like how he doesn't care about his appearance. I do remember my neighbor's creepy tree trimmers and how they looked like "insane asylum" candidates... I don't want people to look at my son and think that he's one.....even though he is.
I asked him what they talked about in the group. "Nothing. Nobody talks." I said it seems like people could say a lot in five hours. Blank....no reply. He just kept staring forward..... Well, I told myself at least he is out of the house for five hours sitting with other people - even if nobody does any talking....and not sitting in his room or car alone.. .making me feel some odd kind of guilt.....
As soon as we got home, I had him take that misssed Saphris dose. Not ten minutes later he got a call on his cell - about a job. I had mixed feelings.... turned out it was a Chinese restaurant delivery job. He could still participate in the group during the day and then work after 5 pm... so it could be a possibility for him. My biggest concern is the money he'd have.... cash tips. Cash and Zack equals substance abuse. That is now a definite truth....reality. I asked him about that..how would he handle having cash...I let him know I was worried.... he answered me vaguely. I don't even remember what nonsense he said - and he replied three times - because it was so out there - his words had nothing to do with answering my question or calming my worries. But he was all excited about this opportunity. He was scrambling around getting ready when he discovered his drivers license missing. GREAT..that put a kink in his plans. He searched everywhere.... it didn't turn up. So he asked for $5.00 to run over to the DMV and get a new license... and then he planned to head straight to the new job. I was so unsure and so uneasy....but he was so thrilled to be finally called for a delivery job.... I slipped... gave him the money he needed. I am too soft hearted I know it.
To make a long story shorter... he showed up at home early. Obviously he did not work.
His story was that he went to the DMV... and they told him there is a "hold" on his license for unpaid fines. I am calling bull on that one. What unpaid fines? For what?? He couldn't answer that clearly....or logically. We have already spent a small fortune paying his fines and restitution over the past year and a half....I sensed there was some deception at work here. He is a liar. I know it.
Plus he said he "lost" the $5.00.....and reminded me that he "lost $40 in the past..($40 did go missing, but that money wasn't "lost") this is only $5.00...so what's the big deal?" Well...the big deal is the kid cannot be trusted out of my sight. I knew there was something not quite true about this "hold" baloney....and then.... A couple hours later Jojo says to me.. "I think Dad just caught Zack doing drugs in his car"....what??!? He was caught by my husband smoking spice out of a crushed Mountain Dew can in his car parked in the driveway. Apparently that "lost" money was used to buy drugs....Any chance that kid gets he drugs himself up....and destroys more of his mind. I'm not even sure he even bothered with the DMV. Now have to call about the "hold" on his drivers license.. is it true or not? If it's true, that's another problem I have to figure out. He lost the delivery job pretty quickly. That job he was all enthused about. Done and over in a matter of hours.
When he left the hospital last December, he was told that if he continues to use street drugs he would damage his brain even more and wind up back in the hospital - for sure. No doubt of it...the doctors and nurses in the hospital have seen this pattern with dual diagnosed patients time after time. He was scared about that for maybe two months. Then that fear of rehospitalization wore off and he was back to making dumbass decisions and drugging.
I thought this would be a short post today - sorry for the rant. I am so numb about the kid right now. Almost feeling apathetic...and empty. Sometimes I almost feel like my love for him is gone...that's what I feel today. I'm not sad... or mad... or disappointed. Why bother feeling those emotions? I don't know him anymore. There is nothing I know in him today to love. It's a strange detached feeling. Probably some sort of self preservation.
I don't even know what to say.
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