I was on the home phone when he called my cell. Jojo answered his call and took the message that he wasn't feeling well and could I come pick him up. I finished my own call and texted him back...but I wasn't in any hurry to run over and get him.. figured this could be a ploy to leave group early - he is a liar and a manipulator - but Jojo was concerned for her brother and asked me three times if I got back to Zack. I returned his call. He said "I'm sure I have a bug." So I wound up picking him up about 1130.
He had a quick smoke in his car - we don't let him smoke in the house - and then he took a long shower.... already the second one before noon.... and he's spent the day between his room and his car parked in the driveway. I have been out quite a bit today so not sure if he ate anything...but from the clean look of the kitchen I would surmise not. There is usually a trail of crumbs or some goo left on the counter or floor if he's been here. He is oblivious to any mess he makes... he does what he does and moves on. Aggravating. Penny peed on the floor near the sliders... she probably barked to be let outside and he either didn't hear or didn't care. Poor Penny.
Still no call from "Family Services" regarding setting up the second opinion psyche appointment. I was also supposed to - by now - have also received a call from a case manager. The wait continues.
Last Thursday when we first met with the social worker/counselor from "Family Services" I was at the end of my rope with this kid... really near the edge and feeling so frustrated with our situation. STUCK. He was on a binge of drugging and stealing -causing turmoil in our home. I don't like being stuck at the mercy of a mentally ill kid and - being his victim because I have no other options. I don't want to see him homeless....that is one of my worst nightmares for him... Yet I told the counselor that I want him out of the house. As awful as that sounds, that was my goal. I was so fed up. It's still my goal.
After she interviewed him privately she told me "He is a very sick kid and he needs to be in a group home where he has structure and constant supervision." I cannot give that. What I have given - doctor appointments, psychologists & therapists, expensive medications and paying for hospital stays, bailing him out of jail, money for clothing, coffees, and fast food, cigarettes, gas, car repairs, kindness, patience..understanding and even trust...everything - he has thwarted. He sabotages himself with the substance abuse and continuously makes dangerous choices for himself... and the consequences of those choices have dragged our family down. We are drained and defeated....(well, I am) I felt such relief when she told me he needs to be in a group home.... I look so forward to tying up loose ends and having the load taken off of me...I do feel like it's MY load. Maybe I'm wrong...but I feel it's on me, as his mom. The burden weighs heavily on me..like having a naughty mischievous toddler or a senile adult that I'm responsible for 24/7. Still waiting for a call and follow up information.....
OK this entry just got interrupted because I heard him talking very loudly to... nothing...his voice was so loud I heard him from inside the house - windows open, he's out sitting in his car having a smoke... and a chat. I went outside to speak with him and questioned him... "Who are you talking to?" He answered "Nobody"...... I said, "So the medication's not working then?"... and he agreed..and answered "No".... He looked very frightened as he confessed that...he fights the reality of this disease because he has a severe fear of being put back into the hospital.... he will usually deny it's existence. I just tried to call the doctor... not in at this time. Maybe three doses isn't enough but I thought anti psychotic meds were supposed to work fairly quickly on the positive symptoms of Schizophrenia....
To Be Continued....
2008...better days
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