"Forgiveness is a gift of high value. Yet its cost is nothing."
Betty Smith.... "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"
Forgiveness.....My emotions are a kerjumble on forgiveness. I have so much resentment toward my husband...and bad feelings toward my son and his destructive choices....and even sadness regarding some friends' actions, too.
"A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" has always been, for me, a cherished book and it's also one of my most beloved movies. I can watch it repeatedly and catch something new each time. For all the sadness in the story, there is triumph in the end. I need a happy ending. If the story hadn't ended well it would have never become a favorite of mine. I reread the book last month...it's been since high school since I originally read the novel and the message it contains means more to me now than ever. There are so many relevant quotes and little life lessons in those pages.
Sometimes I wonder to myself....why did God give me these children to care for? But not in a piteous wondering way. I love my kids and I am forever fortunate to have them in my life...and I know people out there are going through much worse than I am.
Many years ago, when I was in a moment of gloom over some nonsense, I happened to have the world news on (that's all you have to do to help get out of a pity mode...watch the evening news) There had been some horrid flood in Africa and the news anchor was describing the tragedy. He reported about a woman that had given birth alone in a tree while flood waters raged below. I have had three babies...all in a private room in a lovely hospital, with a kind and competent doctor and friendly sympathetic nurses... and it was still awful. So, to think about that African woman's situation........ I keep her story close to my heart and I always remember. When things seem unbearable here, I tell myself, "At least I'm not giving birth alone in a tree".... I really do... I can't think of much worse. I've told this to a few friends and they laugh, but the memory of that poor woman helps keep me grounded in my reality - which, all things considered, isn't that bad.
But I do wonder why me? Not a feeling sorry for myself 'why me', but a 'what is it about me that God saw fit to give me these special children to care for?' type of why me.... I've heard God gives you what you can handle. Lucy with her sight loss, Jojo is dyslexic... and Zack, now losing his mind.... What characteristics do I have that I can use to benefit my kids?
I've pondered that question a lot. If I could figure out what He saw in me then maybe I could use those qualities to help my children in the most effective way. The best I can come up with is I have a big heart and a generous spirit. Why then, with a big heart and generous spirit, do I have such a struggle with forgiveness?
When times are difficult, it's absolutely true...you do find out who your friends are. I am blessed with some wonderful friends in my life...but I also have people that really did let me down. They acted in ways I wouldn't have expected. Ways I don't understand. And they've disappointed me...hurt me. I cannot keep carrying that pain, though. I have heard forgiveness is something you do for yourself. A gift you give to yourself. So I am attempting to just let it go....the hurt certain people have caused me. I know I'm not perfect...and sadly, I've probably disappointed people, too. I need to stop judging and stop carrying expectations. What I have to strive to remember, is that for the most part, people do the best that they know how. The anger and disappointment that I'm hanging onto isn't doing me any good....It's going to be an effort, and time, but I have to try to forgive. For me.
Over the past twenty-four hours I've been driving my daughters all over town to their friends' houses, to and from school and practices, on errands....
I made a mental note of the brief joy I felt each time I noticed something unexpected that made me smile. Last night it was the smell of a bonfire, driving in and out of clouds on narrow country roads lined with tall prairie grasses, and a family of deer in my yard. Just little things but they surprised me and gave me a sense of something special.
This morning at the soccer park, I sat alone in my car and watched Jojo....but as practice ended and parents were arriving to pick up their daughters, one of the coaches and a friend of mine came over to my car to talk to me - one on either side. We chatted for about an hour through my open windows. It was mostly just me smiling and listening to them talk, but the realization that they sought me out made me feel lucky. And a little happy.
I want to try and choose happiness. I think maybe it can be a choice if I put my mind to it... my magical thinking...It's going to take some time though. I still feel despair often. I wish and long to feel happy ...but I realize happy will take hard work. I also need to struggle at slowly chipping away at the numbness enveloping me....encasing the sorrow. I have to let some of my pain and hurt slip away once the numb shell cracks. And then I hope by forgiving I can find room for happiness again.
A reminder of something special
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