Yesterday in the car on the way to TAPS, he sat next to me with an odd facial expression...almost like he was trying to control himself and hold something like a huge loud laugh in. His eyes were wide and he had a smirky smile while appearing ready to burst due to something he was listening too. A few times he made indiscernible sounds but I could tell they were "answers" of some sort to the mysterious questions in his head.
Seeing this and hearing him doesn't spook me out like it used to. The first time I watched him obviously talking to nobody tingles went up and down my spine. Witnessing someone in a psychotic state can be very disturbing. Now, after all this time of living with it, my curiosity is just peeked. Why can't I ever really hear and understand what he's saying? Often the individual words are clear enough that I can tell they are English words....but I cannot comprehend them.....or the way he puts them together to hold his side of the conversation. His answers to the voice in his head make no sense.
I had heard enough of these mysterious conversations over the past few days that I confronted him. He NEEDS to realize he is hearing things that are not there....that realization and insight might help him in his recovery. I straight out told him I am aware he's hearing voices and talking to "himself". He insisted he was not hearing voices. He defended himself by letting me know he has a "calm mind". The doctor said he may not be cognizant of the fact that he is hearing things.....but....? Sometimes I believe he won't confess to the voices for fear of another hospital stay. Honesty is crucial in this search for the appropriate medication...but he won't admit he's ill. In the kitchen, he was about 10 feet from me...facing the toaster, making a bagel...and having an involved discussion with an invisible friend...while I sat behind him interested and listening....I heard strange word combinations....odd sounds....and a chuckle now and then. At least his imaginary friends aren't frightening to him.
We do not see Dr M until next Thursday...at that time I do very much hope we can begin trying the clozapine....even with the warnings, possible side effects, weekly blood draws.... We need to get this kid well. We've been on this "Drink me" path for almost a year now...and going nowhere but down the hole. My husband asked me last night why Zack seems to be getting worse.....and I finally do agree YES he is getting worse. I asked Dr M that same thing last week at our appointment. She sort of shrugged and wasn't sure, other than replying with the easy explanation, "the progression of the disease". At this rate, Zack will wind up a pacing shuffling zombie, closed up inside his own lonely dull world, in a year. I'm feeling concerned and anxious about this progression.
I called Abby yesterday. I wanted to check up on Zack's participation in the TAPS group and get her point of view of his current attitude. The news wasn't good...but it wasn't unexpected...for the most part. The unexpected was that I found out that Zack rarely even goes to the group! He spends five hours a day sitting in the lobby, listening to his ipod, outside smoking....basically instead of putting any of his effort into trying to get well, he just hangs out and whittles away the hours on his own...alone, except for his secret friends. That news really surprised me. I was aware that they cannot force him to group because he is 21 and also the Taking a Positive Step forward group is supposed to be voluntary... if you don't want help you won't get it....even if you're severely mentally ill. Interesting.....and ironic...but that's the way the world works with mental health care. Lots of incongruity. Abby told me again that he's lucky he has involved parents....so pathetically heartbreaking to consider the many mentally ill kids that do not.
Abby also shared her opinion on his "health" as of late.... she said it's "weird" because at some times he seems more lucid and willing to talk to group leaders and members....while other times they have observed him locked in his mind speaking to himself. I agree. I've noticed the same. I am looking forward to our doctor appointment next week to get the doctor's take on this strange situation.
To Be Continued......
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