I did call to cancel the substance abuse evaluation. At this point, with Zack so out of it and psychotic, there wouldn't be much cooperation from him. The eval would be an hour plus....not realistic at this point. I didn't want to waste anybody's time. The woman called me back and was super kind and understanding. No judgments.
But I had my meeting with Alaina this morning. It was a deal at $70 an hour. She is full of info and insight... and I am so grateful to have her on my team. We went over the SSI paperwork that I completed over the weekend. She said it was "great"... and we shared a pathetic chuckle over that description.... "great" meaning horrible enough to get Zack the funding first time through.... lots of "great" descriptions of his suicide attempts....hospitalizations, med trials, tests.... various psychiatrists....yeah...great.
Then we chatted about Pioneer Center...the group home and their day program. I am going to fill out the application - which came in the mail yesterday - and set up an appointment to meet with them. TAPS wants Zack out of their program. He is not benefiting....it's difficult enough to get the other mentally messy people involved and participating, without having someone there with his head on the table.. I understand. Abby gave it an honest try and I am thankful they let him stay as long as they did. It's just not working...I see that clearly now.
After my enlightening appointment with Alaina, apparently she and Abby spoke. Abby phoned me and we talked about the direction we need to steer Zack in. Abby wants to transition Zack out of TAPS...slowly...four more weeks. We are aiming to sign him up for a day group that Pioneer Center offers. Their group is for more severely mentally ill people. And then they also offer that "workshop"...where mentally ill people do almost factory type work. They have to be responsible for showing up on time, doing their work sufficiently, dressing appropriately, etc...and then if they are successful with the requirements, they are assisted in finding jobs in the community.
I haven't had time to digest it all...and sort my feelings about the changes ahead....but I am in a pretty good place in my own mind with it... maybe only until I really have some quiet time to absorb it...and consider consequences... but as I said a few days ago, I am feeling better over all. I am edging on getting my happy back. More and more I feel some sense of peace...and a touch of joy about simple things. The beautiful fall colors, the two hot air balloons I saw the other evening, the burning leaves smell in the air....the thought of Christmas. I am having some brief but valuable happy thoughts. Whether it's the fact that I am moving forward to get Zack's life on track...therefor my family back on track...or the depression I was feeling is passing.... or the wonderful powerful prayers and positive thoughts are making their way to me...I can't be sure, but something is changed in me.
I am trying to keep any guilt at bay and to think of this new day program and group home as just a step. A move toward Zack becoming independent...while he becomes healthy. Because I still have hope that this unbalance causing his schizophrenia will level out....and I'll have him back again. I cannot accept that my brilliant boy is going to live a boring, sad, friendless life. Have to continue the quest for that magic potion....
Fix You....Heard this today and it really touched me....Glee music used to make me happy....it will again.
To Be Continued....
Maybe by winter Zack will be better......
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