Last Friday after my horribly discouraging meeting with Sandy at Pioneer Center, I called Alden Terrace to inquire about placing Zack there....the guy I wound up speaking with was kind of an ass. In the first 30 seconds he made me feel even more desperation by stating something about how not just anybody gets in to Alden Terrace. They need doctor records and referrals blah blah blah.... and telling me this criteria with the attitude of basically they'd be doing me a big fat favor if they took care of my schizophrenic kid for me...for a mysterious fee of course. Thanks, buddy. He wasn't even very open with any facts about their program or the place itself - not even offering for me to come meet with anybody or see where I'd be putting my son. The guy and our conversation did not give me the warm fuzzies.
I let the garbage go and enjoyed a hectic and fun weekend with Lucy and Jojo...soccer Saturday and then shopping and out to dinner for the three of us. Yesterday we cleaned the house and got caught up around here. Zack slept all weekend. All the days....all through the nights in his quiet dark room...He didn't do much else. I have the "sudden death" possibility of these meds in the back of my mind and once in a while I'd peek into his room and say his name to see if he reacts.... His obvious boredom, sedation, and isolation, and the fact that he left a burner on last night after he made himself something to eat, motivated me to call Alden Terrace again and set up an appointment asap....warm fuzzies or not. And I think of Lucy and Jojo...and how badly I want a normal family home life again....
Zack's TAPS group at "Family Services" is coming to a fast end. He has one more day this week and one next week....then he'll be home 24/7. He needs something other than his lonely room and a monthly psychiatrist visit to aid his recovery. I had hopes maybe Alden Terrace, despite the unfriendly welcome, would be the solution for all of us. Care for Zack and freedom for us.
I had to force myself to call again. I wasn't looking forward to talking to an ass, so I bribed myself with a sausage egg mcmuffin - minus the muffin - and a large Diet Coke. On the way home from dropping Zack off at TAPS I promised myself if I passed our subdivision and drove on to McDs I would go home, eat my breakfast, and then place that call to Alden Terrace. So that's what I did.
This time I got a guy named O.B. on the phone. He was nicer than the last guy on Friday and not an ass. I felt a little warmth....he said 1130 would be fine to meet and have a tour, so I showed up at 1125. The place is set in a cozy neighborhood..looks like a small well kept apartment building with a pretty yard and lots of trees. It's not too far from home, either. Maybe about 15 minutes. I checked in, filled out a quick form, and Maggie met me to show me around. She was young - probably early 20s - and she didn't seem overly experienced to me. I wasn't impressed with how she answered my questions about the care my son would receive there. This adventure is all new to me...I'd prefer to go through it with seasoned adventurers....not a kid.
As Maggie and I entered the unit I was disappointed and saddened by how hospital ish it was...cold, vinyl, blah and quiet. Part of Alden Terrace is rehabilitation and nursing home care.... but I guess dummy me thought the behavioral health part would be more cheery and homey. To my eye it was just like the "specialty hospital" ..except there were TVs in each room. Same fake wood, low hospital beds with thin blankets, one pillow per bed, boring nightstand between....some rooms were dim....others had a few people sitting and quietly chatting......fake wood and cold plasticky chairs...nothing cushy cozy or warm.
What stood out for me.....middle aged men patients (women and men are separated into different wings) - no kids Zack's age to be seen. I got the feeling these men had been here too long. There is a shared "shower room"..... Zack will not like that....last night he took an almost two hour shower. I forgot he was in there....at 11pm I realized I heard water running and told him it was time to get out. And he said "Oh sorry!" and he did get out...no hassles. Sharing a shower with everybody will not go over well. There is a shared living room area... with those pepto pink plasticky faux comfy armchairs all around a TV.... a dining area...seven round white tables and chairs in a bright sunny room....they were wheeling a yucky smelling lunch in when I was walking through. Zack - my mega eater and cook - wouldn't be pleased.....There is a smoking patio....and then a smoking room, for when the temps drop. There is a highlighted schedule hanging on the hallway wall listing who can smoke when. There was a schedule for groups.... I don't think Zack would even go to any groups. I picture him sleeping the days away in his dim boring room..passing the time lost inside his mind, his private escape from a crappy reality....That's what he did every other hospital stay.
I asked Maggie how is this place different from a hospital? She told me they give more freedoms than a hospital... Like what? Patients can, after time, earn the privilege to come and go......and they can earn tokens for cigarettes etc by going to their groups.... other vaguely described incentives and freedoms etc. She said this is considered as being between a hospital and a group home, which is what I was told by Alaina and by Sandy at Pioneer Center. Yet the place still shocked me...kind of like some depressing hospitalish prison for the mentally ill is what it resembled. But she said they like to see people improve and move on with their lives to group homes....but then there were those older guys....
As I walked through, I felt the guilt in me expanding and rising up....Alden Terrace brought to mind the type of place where you drop somebody off and never bother to return for. Somebody that's a burden you cannot deal with anymore... You don't return because if you did you'd feel awful seeing your loved one there... and knowing you are the reason....your failure...defeat... your desire for a normal home life. I tried to smothermy growing guilt...sought to convince myself Zack needs this level of care and confinement....this place would benefit him....but I felt ill when I left. I sat in my car and quickly handy wiped my hands....still trying to tell myself it's not so bad. But the more I thought about it afterward, I know the truth. Zack would not recover there...He would languish alone in a strange room and deteriorate. He'd be separated from us and his comfortable room at home by my selfish decision. Even for the girls, I can't do it.
It's been several hours since I left Alden Terrace. I've made up my mind. I picked Zack up from TAPS and he got in the car, greeted me politely even though I was ten minutes late...and sat silent for the ride home. Yes...he's ill....but I love the crazy kid...whoever he is. He is still a stranger to us, but he's Zack somewhere in there. I would rather have him here...giving me grief and sorrow than have him moping in some dreary mental hospital type place indefinitely...feeling deserted, unloved, and alone. At least if he's alone here it's by his choice.
Abby from "Family Services" had called while I was out touring Alden. She left a message that she wanted to know how my appointments last week went. It felt good to tattle on Pioneer Center and the way they just dismissed Zack as unhelpable. She was sorry and surprised. She told me I should call Thresholds and speak to Gary over there. Thresholds may have a more supervised group home that would work out for Zack...it may be more of what I want for him and his recovery. I'll do it tomorrow.... I'm worried about more rejection, but it's another path to take. Abby was very helpful and kind as always. After a rocky start months ago, I appreciate the help and direction she's given me. She left a note for the doctor, too, about Zack being overly sedated on the 20 mg of Zyprexa. We may see Dr M this Thursday instead of waiting til next. I got off the phone with Abby feeling numbly resigned to defeat and accepting the status quo...we will have a skeleton in the closet for a while longer.....and I was resigned to digging up more hope and patience.... waiting for the medications to show some positive effect so Zack might magically become "group appropriate".... and helpable.
Then half an hour later Abby called me back. She had shared with her supervisor how Pioneer turned us away. Abby gave me a name and number of some big wig on the county mental health board and advised me to contact her and let her know the struggles we've gone through to get this kid some help. I'll call tomorrow....this may be a new lead on my quest.
To Be Continued.....
The Contemporary has always been Zack's favorite Disney resort.
Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever see it again.
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