Today I called the social security office. I was baffled by their phone system...it was an endless loop of questions..push this for this.. and push that for that..... I lost my concentration on which number to press to get me where I wanted to go...I got distracted by something Penny was barking at...and suddenly I found myself ready to hang up and begin again from scratch...when somehow by luck, the system asked me what phone number I'd like them to call me back on. I figured my cell since they gave no time estimate...that way they'd be able to catch me anywhere. Not fifteen minutes later, my cell rang.
The person on the other end asked me a few questions, social security number and date of birth of the person I was calling about...and the month, day and year when he became disabled... that was a toughie for me...I used the date last November when he had his first psychotic break....the day we called the paramedics to our home to evaluate him...the day Zack managed to bluff them... that same night we called the mental health crisis line..and somebody else came out to examine him...and even later that same night he wound up admitted to Singer for his 6 week stay. She asked me the nature of his disability and diagnoses....and if I have a preference of either a phone interview or in office. Alaina advised me to opt for the in person in office interview - that way the interviewer can get a clear picture of how sick Zack is - another "great". We are scheduled for the soonest available, October 18.
I also have a huge packet of Medicare or Medicaid? info to fill out. Zack will need that too, it seems, and after the social security interview I am supposed to head across to this other office to have Zack apply for this medical coverage. That way the timing can all be coordinated... maybe?
I picked up his Zyprexa. It's the new anti psychotic med... we are weaning him off the Saphris onto this other chemical wonder. This medication came with a thick brochure full of warnings and descriptions of nasty, sometimes fatal, side effects to watch for. Again, I am thanking God -and Obama- that Zack is on our insurance. The cash cost was over $600 for thirty 10 mg pills. Our cost was about $140. Still pretty crummy considering this is only one of four meds he's currently taking.
Abby or Alaina must be talking to Zack about the group home...trying to win him over to accept the thought of it. He has begun to bring it up again repeatedly...and guilt me again. He declared at me three times today that I am kicking him out.... and that he will not live in a group home. He will not go.. he's "fine" at home....and also today, in a separate conversation he wanted to know the time line for his move out. He said if he has to go, he wants to leave as soon as possible. I don't understand the waffling from absolutely adverse to the idea...to let's pull it together and do it tomorrow.....
I told him I really don't know details or how it will work or when. I don't. I am not sure what the waiting list is like, I have a ton of paperwork to complete to apply for the group home acceptance, and things have to be in place (the SSI and medicare applications) in order for us to be able to proceed. It's not going to happen overnight. He was miffed at me about the whole idea....still. I pried it out of him..what his issue with the group home is. He admitted to me that he doesn't want to be with mentally retarded people. That's not what this group home is. Again, so ironic how he is still judging and ranking people. He's nuts...literally he's insane, looks like a scraggly slob, walks around talking to nobody, acts strange, makes odd facial expressions and has glazed over eyes, yet he is still thinking he's better than others... what a bizarre view of the world.
I tried to explain to him...to reason... that he's not getting better living with us....and that this move is a step toward him having a life and getting healthy. I want to believe that... but I felt like.... as my words were kind of tumbling out half-assed, I was striving to convince myself of the positive, while trying to put one over on him. It didn't work for him. While I walked Penny, he called Pioneer Center and inquired about the waiting list.
I walked into the house after a quick escape walk around the neighborhood with my furry birthday girl (Penny turned two today) and Jojo came downstairs to let me know that Zack had been on the phone with somebody. She heard him asking about the group home and the wait time to get into it. I questioned Zack and he admitted he placed the call, but he couldn't even tell me what the answer was....I want to know the wait list situation, too. He didn't recall the conversation so well. He had no news to share. I am going to try and finish that thick application over the weekend and then call Monday to schedule an appointment to meet with them.
October 7th...memories.....two years ago today Zack attempted suicide for the first time. That same night, in Missouri, my pretty Penny was born. And I was sitting in Walt Disney World, waiting for the Halloween party parade to begin. I remember, as I sat there alone, I looked up at the dark sky above Main Street and noticed there was a full moon...then my cell rang. It was Zack asking me if he could see a psychiatrist...kind of surreal being in the middle of the magic and receiving that peculiar call....I remember he sounded agitated....I told him I was flying home tomorrow night, and I'd get him an appointment as soon as I was home. I thought that reassured him and calmed him down. Then the loud music started and I had to say goodbye... I'm too tired to even bring all those strange thoughts together somehow...they are so disjointed but all occurred on October 7, 2009......Zack, suicide, Walt Disney World...parades....full moon....and my beautiful Penny's birth. Just a lot of jumbled weirdness...maybe showing life goes on?
To Be Continued.....
We are so lucky to have Penny in our lives..two years of laughs... and screams...
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