While I was sitting at my desk last night, Jojo calmly approached....she was hushed and solemn....when she told me, "I think Zack is talking to himself again." I already knew it.
Jojo had spent the afternoon outside playing with the neighbors and I was alone in the house - except for Zack - doing laundry. Zack had been put in charge of the kids' bathroom weekly clean up. He was upstairs with the bath water running, scrubbing the tub....bathroom door wide open....and he was having a lively laughing conversation with "somebody". The volume of his voice and the echos of it off the tile caught my attention....I almost thought...no...he has to be on the phone....but he has no friends anymore, so that was wishful thinking on my part. His voice was loud and clear...and his laughter was sincere..he was hearing something funny. That one sided conversation sounded eery. I went upstairs intending to spy....Penny ruined it for me with her happy flopping. We were found out, standing in the hallway. But I discovered there was no phone....there was nobody there except Zack and his sponge and the running water... Zack was cleaning the bathroom like he'd been asked to...but he had his "friend" for company. And funny thing, he caught that I was on to him and his "friend" and closed the bathroom door to continue his jovial conversing in privacy. Back in November 2010, when I first heard him having these spooky solitary chats my skin literally crawled....it's the most surreal thing to hear and see. Somebody that truly believes in the unreal....
Poor Jojo...she was taken aback by hearing the obvious and companionless conversation. Jojo is a little mini mother...always caring, always trying to help and fix things for people. She's the one that adores puppies and they adore her back - Tatum used to leave treats under Jojo's pillow...real food and dog cookies, and Jojo was never mortified to find a hot dog or a Beggin' Strip hidden in her bed or to receive a mouthful of dog food in her lap. Tatum was taking care of her buddy and Jojo saw the beauty and love in those efforts. Penny can be horrible..she's our naughty pony girl, but Jojo has the patience of a saint with pony-puppy Penny. Jojo loves babies, the helpless, and has a heart full of sympathy for the needy. She understands the pain of Zack losing his mind...and misses her big brother dearly.
There are plenty of times that it's questionable whether Zack is talking to himself as we all do sometimes, the computer, fellow gamers, or his mysterious friend...but in the bathroom it was obvious who he was chatting up, and Jojo was afraid for him. And she is so different in her concern than Lucy...there was no mention of rushing the kid out of the house...no saying she's creeped out.... Jojo was quiet, sorrowful, and worried..... She suggested maybe Zack is just so lonely. Awww...that made me teary. Yes, he's lonely alright. And we are all so sad for it, but the pretend friend in his head isn't due to his loneliness....Lonely Zack and the imaginary friend are due to the disgusting disease. The little poison pill Saphris isn't doing the trick.
Zack did something my husband didn't like. I don't even know what it was..I kind of don't care.... but this morning my husband told me that he is disciplining Zack for it (he told me what Zack did, but it was so unimportant to me I don't recall) by withholding Zack's cigarettes today. Ohhh boyyy...that caused a row before 7 am. I would never be that cruel...and that's what I think it is. Cruel. Smoking is a habit...an addiction....how can you punish somebody by cutting their nicotine supply off? And he's a mentally ill person with anxiety.... The smoking is the only pleasure the kid gets out of the day. Zack is not "with" us....It is becoming more and more obvious that he's just not. The expressions on his face at inappropriate times...the voices he hears constantly, the blatant replies to the voices....the odd laughing....Zack is not living in our world. Sometimes my husband is just such a hardass. This ugly disease of Zack's has really separated the two o us. We view it's repercussions from such different angles. I argued for Zack. He got his cigarettes. Now he's in the kitchen concocting himself a huge afternoon snack/meal and using up ingredients I was counting on for dinner......
To Be Continued.....
My darling sweetie Jojo - always ready to hug and love
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