This afternoon I faced up to that daunting packet of stapled green paperwork and I have almost everything completed. I feel an enormous sense of accomplishment. I have a tired, cramped left hand but such an invigorated spirit....I feel GOOD for the first time in a long time. I am no longer stuck in a holding pattern....but progressing forward with something...finally. Once I began working on the questionnaire, I threw myself into it, and the unpleasantness I feared would come twisted itself into something positive. I was proud of myself....and relieved that this one burden at least was going to be gone. I have a commitment to myself to phone the group home tomorrow and inquire about their waiting list....and any application process.
Yesterday Lucy asked me ...pretty much out of the blue... "Are we ever really going to be able to get Zack out of the house?" That sounds terrible...and I was disappointed to hear her ask me that...and that way - so uncaring. I let her know we are working on it...we want what's best for everybody... but it's a tough decision for us as parents....She said she "understands it's not easy", but he makes her "uncomfortable".... "because he's crazy".....and "creeps" her out....She wasn't joking or being harsh. She was sincere in her feelings...and I get that...He makes me uneasy, too. But still, what she told me was difficult to hear. Zack plays his music annoyingly loud, never likes his room door closed, uses up the bath towels... messes up anywhere he spends a few minutes... eats everything....and I realize it's always a bit awkward when friends are over and he's sitting out in his car chatting to that missing passenger, or he's pacing the house restlessly, snapping, talking to himself....or wondering the neighborhood....in his slippers... I don't know what people think. But he's my son ....and their brother.
We were supposed to be leaving for a cruise on the Disney Dream - all of us...our family of five - this week...The girls were so looking forward to it. I've been on the Dream a few times before, but this would have been their first cruise. The cruise was booked back in February when we all had hope that Zack would be well - at least stable - by October....and back then he claimed he wanted to join us on the new adventure. The cruise was something fun for the five of us to look forward to - along with Zack's improved health....but by the end of July when the balance came due, things weren't looking so promising as far as Zack's mental health...so instead of risk losing money, I canceled the cruise.
It's sad to think of all that time that's passed, eight months... and how back then in cold gray February we hoped and believed we'd be somewhere different right about now.....and the reality of where we are now, in cool colorful October......It's dismaying how life can toy with you. Expectations again...but how to have hope without some expectations? Right now, though, the girls are looking forward to a Thanksgiving in Disney World. And they are excited about it.
And gosh darn it...I forgot to say "Rabbit rabbit"! So...any luck or glimmers of magic that may come my way this month are due to the greatly appreciated and desperately needed prayers and kind thoughts from my friends. I feel them...they are working. I was able to complete this SSI paperwork task today. That was big for me. Thanks for sticking with me and reading along... your support means so much to me.
To Be Continued.....
Heading up into Spaceship Earth....
Life sure does take us on some interesting journeys during our time here
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