I spent quite a while looking at this blank blog entry area. I am just quiet inside and numb. My eyeballs hurt from crying and my head feels ready to split apart. My sweet shadow Penny is lying at my feet snoring and lending me the comfort of her companionship. She senses something is terribly wrong. She witnessed what happened...and whether she understood any of it or not, she knows things aren't quite right in our house....maybe she's taking comfort from me.
Periodically over the past two days I'd go from piercing pain...sorrow...to numb...to almost alright. When I'd feel that almost alright slipping in, I'd wonder what's wrong with me. Then I'd pop over and read my short post from Friday....it would remind me how I'm supposed to be feeling now... and it would all come back to fill me up again....that despairing pain.
What happened....it was a nightmare.
Thursday got away from me. I had a lot of Disney work - it honestly does seem like when it rains it pours...I can go days without hearing from a client, and then other days it's call after call and emails and quotes.... That was Thursday. I was also trying to wrap up cleaning for the party....and I had errands to run but I made lists instead, so I could stay near my phone in case the people from the mental health board returned my call.... I showered with the phone in the bathroom...it was that important to me not to miss their call. They never called.
I was at my laptop in my office working on a quote when Jojo's bus pulled up. Then it hit me - the time...it was almost 230pm. I greeted and let Jojo in and then ran right upstairs to get Zack up...even for him it was late...I needed his help cleaning the kids' bathroom and vacuuming upstairs. I opened his door and said a cheerful, "Zack! It's late...gotta get up!"....but he didn't even budge. I walked closer to him...to the side of his bed.... I remember I looked at him....had a horrid thought...not possible. I have never seen death before. Never. I got closer....he was so still. I changed my angle... looking for movement.... I stood at the foot of his bed. Praying...MOVE. I said "ZACK"....then ran for the phone in my room. Thank GOD there was a phone...half the time the phones are missing off the chargers... I yelled down to Jojo "I think Zack is dead!"..... I was in such a freaked out state of panic.... I was crazed. I remember dialing 911. I have NEVER dialed 911 before... I sometimes wondered if in a situation would I wait..think it's not important enough...or be able to know and decide if it was time to call 911... This was it...it was time. I dialed they answered...asked almost lazily something about what's the nature of your emergency... I said in a choked voice - I could barely talk... "I think my son is dead".... she asked why I thought that... It's all kind of coming back to me now.... I told her he is schizophrenic, takes meds that make him tired...and I he never woke up..his lips are blue. She asked my location... I told her... ran back into Zack's room while she spoke and I heard her call or radio emergency vehicles or services... I heard them talk to her... she stayed on the phone with me. She asked me if I wanted to try CPR... he was dead... she asked me to try and feel a pulse.. I couldn't... she asked me to put my hand in front of his mouth and nose...did I feel breath... no. I told her I think I'm going to faint..she said it's ok..I'm here with you...she asked if anybody else was in the house with me... I told her my 11 year old daughter....I yelled downstairs to Jojo to open and unlock the front door.... In the distance I heard sirens....
It was a nightmare.... I cannot get that last image of my son out of my mind. Maybe that's why the inner numbness. It's some defense mechanism. I am getting the shakes typing this out... it's coming back to me so vividly....what I saw, what I said, what I heard.....
I knelt by Zack's bedside... kept my hand on his leg. He had slept in his clothes from the day before...his favorite green hoodie, tee, and his khaki cargo pants....I just kept saying "He can't be dead....I can't believe he's dead"..... I couldn't. I can't. Penny was with me..she was nervous..and uneasy.. I remember her at my side but she was wiggly....panicking... I had my cell in my pocket. I texted my husband. I don't remember what I texted and I think I need to erase them... I am so afraid to look and relive it even more clearly.....I think I asked him if I could call him... and said something very bad happened... he called my cell while the 911 operator was on the home line. I told him, "I think Zack is dead"..... he was shocked and stunned...said a disbelieving NOooooo.... and I told him I called 911 and they are on their way... it was horrible... he said he was leaving work NOW... but he works an hour away.....
So as I knelt near my son, I heard people enter...they yelled, "emergency" or something... and I yelled upstairs... they burst into Zack's room..three of them... and started pulling stuff out of bags... a woman police officer showed up and took me aside into the hallway and started asking me nonsense questions.... she said "Let's let them do their thing"....I heard them say he has a pulse... I was in doubt....I never saw death before...but I recognized it. The woman officer took me downstairs...we sat in the dining room. Not a few minutes later one of the EMTs came over and said "Ma'am.... we lost your son."
They offered me water or to call somebody or anything.... I was crying but in dumb shock. There were so many people in my house.... coming going, calling, talking.....I forgot about Jojo...then I looked up and saw her bedroom door closed...and heard Penny bark. The two of them had taken refuge together. The woman police officer asked me more questions..then the EMT did.... there was a second officer there suddenly... and she heard me mention my son had schizophrenia...she seemed to know about it...and I took solace in that...she understood..and she had compassion...somehow I wound up in the kitchen, sitting at that table. The EMT had calls to make...more people came into the kitchen.... somebody mentioned this is like stuff you see on TV. I don't watch those shows. On purpose.
I was asked a ton of questions about the meds Zack was currently taking, doctor he was seeing, his mood, when I last spoke with him.....then I was in Jojo's room with her. She was sitting on her bed sobbing.... we held each other and listened to the sounds around us...outside her room. Penny was with us....guarding the bedroom door. We could see all the emergency vehicles out of Jo's windows.....so many sheriff cars, an ambulance, firetruck... an unmarked car...a SUV sheriff car....people coming in and going out... lots of commotion. I felt a momentary lull in my sorrow and I called my soccer mom friend...I told her what happened...and to please make sure the party was canceled... she was a wreck hearing my news...and at the same time offering me support. Then I got a text from my neighbor - the one I walk with once in a blue moon.... she must have come home from work. She saw all the emergency vehicles... wondered if everything was alright... I texted her "No... Zack passed away".... she wanted to call me...so I told her to call my cell... we cried together while I held Jojo's hand.
My husband walked into Jojo's room. She wanted her dad.... she had asked me, "When will dad be here?" I don't even know if he made it home quickly.... it was such a blur...but he walked in and we all held each other...there was too much to process...so much going on.... but we knew our son was dead.
Lucy was at school... she had stayed after for speech club. I didn't want her walking into this environment not knowing what was going on... my husband offered to call her. We really should have thought about what we were going to say...he got her on the phone and said, "Something very very bad happened at home"....and she got panicky. Of course. Then he said "Zack is dead"..... why oh why.... men. The phone got disconnected.....it was a mess and I don't even remember what happened next or said... I know he called her back and offered to go pick her up but she instead got a ride home with her boyfriend.
She walked in crying as I was being called downstairs to be quizzed by a detective. At that time, also, the people from the coroner's office showed up. Another officer wanted permission to search Zack's car...so I signed paperwork for that. The detective questioned me... the coroner asked me things... mostly about his meds, doses, which doctor he saw, phone, address.... the detective, he wanted to know if there was a possibility of Zack having met a drug dealer, or had friends drop drugs off..what drugs Zack ever used... did he use his cell to call friends a lot..... hello!?! The kid is schizophrenic...he has nobody. No friends...no connections, no fun...nothing. And the guy seemed to doubt that.
My husband came down and told me the girls needed me.... so he took my place at the inquisition... I went up to cuddle my daughters and Penny.
It was hours before everybody left. I think it was probably 530pm or so before the house was quiet....then the silence hit hard.
I remember being so cold and not being able to stop shivering......the four of us talked a bit more..shared memories of our Zack....held each other and hugged in Jojo's room.... then moved down to the family room....we all sat together on the sofa for a while... I don't remember talking...I remember shaking. Jojo rubbed my back....always the little mother. My husband and Lucy decided to go pick up dinner for us. I wanted nothing....Jojo stayed with me, hugging and holding.....
I felt so guilty..I shared my thoughts....why didn't I wake him earlier? I usually wake him by noon.... what happened today?!?! What if??? I have that in me now.....but the girls both said not to feel bad... he loved to sleep. That's how he spent his day. Sleeping, smoking, and eating.... he was happy he did not have his group so he could sleep. And it's true... but I have those what if thoughts.... and why....
We are heartbroken. The pain comes in waves. I do think we have in us some sort of protective mechanism...I don't think we could handle the pain in one lump sum....we are feeling it little by little. But even in small doses it sometimes feels like gut wrenching physical pain...other times it's just hurt and sorrow...regrets...and guilt.
To Be Continued......
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