Yah...driving home from our Pioneer Center meeting today I kept trying to convince myself when one door closes another one opens...or something I heard about maybe a window opening instead....but I'm feeling old and stiff and tired. I'm about done....done searching through unfamiliar doorways, cracks in the woodwork, dark alleys, half open windows....under creaky floorboards....I'm toast.
Zack and I met with the person in charge of intake at Pioneer Center this morning only to be turned away from services. Again. Even though the level of services Pioneer offers was held in front of us like a golden carrot by several people at "Family Services"....just yesterday at Zack's doctor appointment Dr. M suggested the "workshop" at Pioneer to Zack as a terrific day option. I let her know we were going to be meeting with them today regarding their day options...and her response was, "Super!!!"....Well guess what? It's not so "Super!!!"...it's not even "super".
It's not super at all to be passed off from one agency to another because nobody knows what they're doing...nobody knows how to help a mentally ill person that has no insight or awareness of his disease...and not only that, the mentally ill person has to want help...they have to realize they are ill and need to get help...how crazy is that? We have to continue on this fruitless quest for the magic potion because really - the truth is. NO body will offer help (or be arm twisted into helping) until some medication works its magic, because Zack's disease is that far gone... He is hopeless to be helped by groups or individual therapy at this point due to the condition he's in. And I find some disgusting irony in the fact that everywhere we have gone in our search to reach help for Zack...in the same breath they deny him services, they offer services to me and my family. Because we obviously need their help..since we're STUCK in a sad situation with no way out, our lives burdened by caring for a severely mentally ill kid. I suppose we're an easy fix....so they'll accept and "help" us. I was told by Sandy that if Zack becomes too big a burden on us at home "there is always PADS"....it's a shelter for homeless people. So, because our son Zack is an adult we do not have to care for him, we can dump him. Legally. My confidence in the system is zilch today. How to say "disappointment" in two words... "Pioneer Center". Or, "Family Services"...or even "Mental illness". Any of those.
Dr. M did not opt to try the Clozapine. She did not even mention the wicked stuff... I did. I asked her why aren't we switching to it now? Instead, she upped Zack's dose of Zyprexa from 10 mg to 20 mg. And again we wait another two weeks to see if this is the magic pill and perfect dose. Doubtful. 10 mg is the usual therapeutic dose. It did nothing. Two weeks ago she told me that if we didn't see any improvement in two weeks there probably would not be any.....so??? There won't be any.....but we wait anyway because she has the prescription pad. She's in charge. My patience is nearing it's limit and my aggravation with the doctor and agencies is growing.
The woman from Pioneer was stunned that Family Services referred us to them.... she said they are their "competition"... but I guess once she "gauged" Zack she realized why we showed up at her office....and she gave me other names & competition to call! Now I'm supposed to contact Thresholds or Alden Terrace and see what they have to offer. Unbelievable..if it weren't so pathetic, it would be humorous. It really sucks to feel such disappointment - because I admit I was becoming hopeful that this would be it...we'd finally reach help and be on the path to recovery. I was coming to the realization that maybe TAPS wasn't the place for Zack... we tried, it didn't work out, on to something new. The whole "When one door closes another one opens" thing. Well the one open door was slammed in my face this morning.....I have to go find a window to crawl through....or a rock to climb under.
I felt the door was slammed in my face but she did actually tell me "The door is not closed"....She said "The door is open but Zack needs to be more "stabilized" on his medication". He is "not group appropriate right now". Well.....I sort of understand that....but he's not "family appropriate" either. We're not professionals...THEY are.....but he's not their responsibility....he's mine.
I asked her how am I supposed to get him up to "group appropriate" speed? I painted her a picture of how Zack spends his time here at home... stays in his room all day (well, he will be soon because TAPS is kicking him out), plays violent computer games, smokes, eats, showers, and makes messes for me to clean....and then there are his psychotic symptoms.... How is the seclusion and time-wasting helpful to him getting up to "group appropriate" speed? And the only answer is basically we sit and wait for some cocktail of that expensive pixie dust chemical crap to magically take effect and bibbidy bobbidy boo he will become "group appropriate" and all will be well. She told me if I (miraculously) see a change in him to schedule another interview so Zack can be reassessed. That's why I feel I got a door slammed in my face today. We have tried so many medications this past year with no luck...my faith in their power is dwindling...but it appears there is nothing to be done but wait and pray and hope...and suffer through it...struggling to keep believing some magic med will work it's wonders....while I scrape myself up again and continue the search for another door, window, path....
I'm embarrassed because today I cried. When it became clear that she was giving us the brush off, I wanted to put my head down on my folded arms on the round table in her office and just bawl...and say "I QUIT... I can't do this anymore"...I can't keep hearing there is nothing...no help..no services...I'm stuck. I was fed a sweet spoonful of bogus hope by "Family Services" in order to get rid of us...to ease their consciences on giving up on Zack.... They told me Zack might even be in a group home by the time we leave for our Thanksgiving trip...lies...truth is they have a wait list with five names on it, she told me Zack is not only not group appropriate, he is not group home material, and she won't even put his name on the waiting list until he is...(after the medication starts to work....whenever that may be)...."Family Services" told me Pioneer had day groups for Zack, they'd help him find jobs, etc etc..etc.... I was given the impression that Pioneer Center would be the answer to my prayers for Zack - for now. Wrong.
The unexpected bitter disappointment I was fed today mixed with the sweet bogus hope I had already swallowed made me sick... I almost controlled my emotions until she sincerely and sympathetically told me, using my first name like a friend would, that she understands.. sees how badly I want this for my son, and she hears my desperation. It was that word, "desperation"...that one sad word sent me over the edge. The tears poured out...and once they started they did not stop easily. That sad word sums this whole life adventure up. I am feeling desperate...and there is no help for it, other than getting myself some therapy from some professional incapable of helping my son... therapy intended to teach me to learn to accept defeat.
At least before I lost my composure Zack had gone out to sit in the waiting area. He wasn't around to witness me fall to pieces over another failed attempt to secure him help....help he still doesn't believe he needs. "Everything is fine".....
To Be Continued.....
Close your eyes, Zack...you don't want to see what's going on.....
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