Last night Zack asked me if he has his "class" today. He wasn't happy to learn yes, he does. He is aware "Family Services" is weaning him off going to their TAPS group. He doesn't know why...or what's to come. I'm unsure about how much information I should share with him. Sometimes he surprises me with what he retains and remembers, other times it's like the conversation never occurred. Wasted words, wasted time. I don't want tell too much and worry him, either. He doesn't understand we are working to get him well and these groups are a part of his recovery.
Saturday began with Jojo's soccer game and then continued with Lucy's afternoon marching band competition. I truly enjoy both so it was a day to look forward to...and I looked forward to feeling good having some fun. I have really been stretching to feel happy...counting my many blessings and trying to stay in the moment, notice details.... appreciate the present. I keep telling myself, "Life is too short to be miserable"...and I sincerely believe that. My anxiety is much less and my appetite is coming back a little. Those issues got so bad I was having horrid cramps in the night and losing my hair. That scared me. It's not happening lately....but probably because I am making a conscious effort to drink more water and eat something every couple hours...anything I can choke down. I make a point to bring a water bottle with me any time I leave the house and I force myself to drink it while I'm running around in the car.
Over all I am doing better with my mood. I caught myself smiling last night while watching Amazing Race. When the twins were told they were not eliminated I cried...but the tears were happy tears...and I realized I was actually smiling, too. Right then I held still and contemplated that moment... to determine...am I happy now? But even while enjoying watching Jo play soccer, being filled with pride while Lucy performed, feeling relief for kids on TV I don't even know.. ..there is a vague numb weight about me. It's so inexplicable...it's nothingness...yet it's so strong. I want the nothingness to just disintegrate into the air...but I can't breathe it away. It's a hazy weight that is difficult to describe...it's just some niggling nastiness hanging on inside of me and surrounding me...stifling me. Sometimes, when I unexpectedly become cognizant that my worries are not at the fore of my thoughts, I become introspective - to test myself and see... is that numbing nothing weight still there?...I discover it is still there...it may have been subdued for a time, but it's still with me. Will it be gone when Zack is? Or will the vague hazy weight twist into something more solid and real...a feeling I can put a label on... a gagging guilt? What about next month when I escape to Walt Disney World? Can I look forward to melting into the magic and leaving this foggy burden behind? I'm not sure...but I anticipate the day I feel light and free and unencumbered again.
Friday when I picked Zack up from TAPS, while driving home, I told him about our planned Thanksgiving Disney trip. I held my breath hoping he would not say, "Great! When do we leave?" ...and he did not surprise me. He said he did not want to come along with us. To say I felt relief is an understatement... but now a new can of worms is opened. How to handle leaving a psychotic person alone for five days.....?
Also, Friday... I received a group email to all soccer parents. The coach was asking about maybe having an end of season team party. The team is made up of such a fantastic group of girls and this is Jojo's 6th year on this team with these coaches. We have a perfect house for parties...a large open great room and an acre yard and acre of woods...it's a fun fall party place. The girls can have a bonfire and play flashlight tag in the evening... I imagined a lot of fun for the kids and me possibly getting to know more of the parents. I quickly replied I'd be happy to host a party for the team. Then it hit me.....What did I do? I forgot about our crazy skeleton in the closet....the reason I haven't had barbecues or pool parties all summer...the reason we don't invite family friends over for holidays anymore....the cause of our antisocial behavior.... our unpredictable mentally ill adult kid...who roams the house talking to himself, sits out in his car chatting to the passengers... smoking....blasting his obnoxious ambient music in his room and outside... the kid that makes messes wherever he treads and appears psychotic.....what did I do? Briefly I was excited and proud of myself for stepping up. This is how I used to be..willing to participate in fun. Committing to hosting the party is part of my plan to snap out of my gloom, but now I feel bewildered....and unsure. I used to love throwing parties for the kids...decorating the house, baking, planning.... but now I have to plan what to do with Zack for a few hours on a Friday night...to hide him.
This is a big week for us. Tomorrow morning is the SSI disability interview...bright and early at 9 am. THAT will be a struggle. I tried already for 20 minutes to get Zack out of bed and moving this morning.....he is not quick to rise and shine. He has to be at his TAPS group in 10 minutes, but he's giving me grief about moving. After his interview tomorrow, I have to figure out where the Department of Health and Human Services is located locally and drop off the Medicare/aid applications....which I now have concerns about. Then Thursday the Dr M appointment & possibly discussing medication changes. Friday we have our interview at Pioneer Center. During all of this my husband will be flying out of town. Probably a good thing. We still do not see eye to eye on Zack's illness and that is the cause of stress.
To Be Continued....
Just a random photo that makes me smile.....
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