I started off the morning yesterday by forcing myself to call Gary at Thresholds. I am always so nervous to make these calls....uncertain of the reception I'll receive. A few times I've come across people that work with the mentally messy that seem a bit "off" themselves. Gary wasn't available. I wound up leaving a message. He returned my call much later in the day. He turned out to be a nice guy, easy to talk with, and we had a comfortable and informative chat.
Unfortunately Thresholds will not work out for Zack any time soon. They can only bill medicaid....we have to wait until all those public assistance ducks are in a row before their group homes would be a possibility...then there may be a hideous waiting list. Gary did not answer me straight regarding the current wait. People live in the Thresholds group homes indefinitely. Some only a few months...others for their entire lives.
Gary told me that once Zack gets SSI, medicaid will have to approve him. And he told me Zack would be denied for SSI. Sadly, he sounded sure of it. He gave me the name of an attorney and strongly recommended hiring her and appealing the denial decision within 60 days. If you miss the 60 days you have to start the entire process over from the beginning. I have been given mixed messages regarding the SSI approval. Alaina thinks it may go through the first time due to Zack's hospitalization history. I have no choice but to patiently wait out the next three to five months...with hope.
Gary was helpful and kind. I told him about Pioneer...and Zack not being "group appropriate". He asked why...and it hit me..that woman only met Zack for about twenty minutes. And I told him that and his reply was, "Oh God!"...and he asked why she thought that about Zack. I guess it's the anti social? I'm not really sure why else...Zack has been welcome in our home because he really is a nice person...I let him know that. He also suggested Alden Terrace, though, as an option. He did admit Zack probably wouldn't like it. No...Zack would hate it.
I mentioned the name and number I was given of the big wig on the mental health board. I did not place that call yet. I don't want to get anyone in trouble and again....fear of the reception I'll receive from these people. I'm not a fan of confrontation. The whole adventure is stressful and unpleasant enough without being interrogated and shot down... or brushed aside again. I guess not placing that call gives me an excuse to have this mental health board contact as a little secret hopeful back up plan in my pocket...a possibility to hang onto while I'm feeling there's no way out of this mess. I'll have to work myself up to making that phone call...I need to do it. Gary told me I wouldn't get anyone in trouble. He explained the mental health board has funding and if they give a lump of money to either Thresholds or Pioneer and say, "Take care of Zack" they would find a way to make it work. So maybe there is some potential for help if I can get over my anxiety about placing that call and just do it. I'm not sure what to even say......
I spent most of the day yesterday between checking emails and replying and then cleaning and decorating my house for the big party Friday night. Zack spent his highly anticipated day off TAPS by sleeping til almost 1 pm. I tried several times to wake him with no success. Then he played on his computer and smoked and napped the time away. I warned Zack we will be having a house full of girls for a pizza party in a couple days. It didn't mean much to him. It means a lot to me. I am so worried he'll come strolling down into the kitchen to help himself to pizza and snacks, the coaches will be sitting there...try to make conversation with Zack and the schizophrenia will show itself. I know if they see Zack they'll ask about his life....is he going to college? working? And then I'll be backed into the corner of having to share the nasty truth....he had a great life ahead of him until he was suddenly smacked down by this disgusting unexpected disease.....what a damper on a fun night that will be. I'll have to rehearse what I'm going to say....and practice a casual, it's no big deal expression, to accompany my words.
I forgot to mention last Tuesday at Jojo's dance class, my dance mom friend Laurie and I chatted and laughed the hour away, but then the subject of Zack came up. I told her the truth of his situation. Just spilled the news right out as we were leaving the studio. After an hour of casual nonsense talk, I don't think I had the appropriate tone of voice or look on my face. The external me did not coordinate with the words that came out of my mouth. She took it well...but she was shocked and concerned. I felt like I tried too hard to make light of it all...and I remember her looking at me quizzically....wonderingly....like how could I say what I said with a smile on my face....Honestly I don't even know. I weirded myself out....I was so fake and guarded. She told me she would pray for Zack and us. That was last week. Jojo skipped dance yesterday, opting instead to go to the last soccer practice of the season.
I'm starting to feel gloomy again. I suppose that's part of a depression...probably normal that it comes and goes a bit...but for the most part I believe it's going. At this moment it's hard to tell. I haven't been able to take my daily escape walks because of the weather and my schedule. Zack's stuff and this soccer party hovering over me is weighing me down. I know I let little things bother me too much. A party should not be stressful. But maybe that's part of a depression, too. Happy fun things are twisted into stress.
Zack is going to TAPS today.... maybe tomorrow, too, if we can see Dr. M. But then that's it. Over and done...schizophrenic kid back in his lonely room 24/7....only his messed up mind for company.....I really do need to place that dreaded call.
To Be Continued......
Zack...you can hide, but we know you're there.... somewhere......
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