We walked in, checked in....and when I explained why I was tagging along, I received the eyeroll from the woman at the desk.....she gave me flack about wanting to see the doctor with my son. Yeah I know he's a legal adult..but he's not all there... ok? That's why he's HERE. I let her know that I had spoken to Abby about today and about meeting with the doctor....there shouldn't be any issues. She brushed us off by offering us to "Have a seat" (far) away from her, so we crossed the large waiting room and made ourselves comfortable. Zack sat next to me...strange. Maybe the antidepressants boosting his mood?
We sat for a few minutes and I could overhear the crabby receptionist talking to the doctor in her office and apparently there was an issue. Zack's appointment was not scheduled right then and there..it was to be some vague time during the day...during the TAPS group. So the cranky woman tried to brush me off. OK...anybody that knows me knows I am a softy and non confrontational... but this was too important to me...they blew me off two weeks ago and I wasn't going to be pushed around again.... so I got up from my assigned seat and went back over and told that ornery receptionist that I HAVE to see the doctor with my son...I started to go into the reasons....but then I held myself back...It's not her business why....it is what it is, and I am seeing that doctor. She huffed at me... sighed, and picked up the phone again. She told the doctor, "Sorry to bother you again, but the mom said she has to see you".... Ha....got it done with minimal aggravation on my end.
I like Dr M but our time with her always seems rushed. Dr K used to shoot the breeze...talk to Zack about movies he should see... travels in Patagonia, light houses.... Dr K always had time for any concerns I had....Dr M gets right to it and *boom* it's done and over...out the door we go. I think our whole visit was under 10 minutes. I admitted that I do think Zack's condition is declining, the Saphris is not working, he's less discreet about his voices, his mood does seem up, but I am worried about him...and where this disease is headed. She tried to convince Zack to try the Clozapine. As soon as she mentioned the necessary weekly blood draws, he was turned off. The blood draws would continue for six months. I understand his leariness....but I have heard recently more and more that this last ditch magic med can and has worked miracles for people. There was no persuading him today. So she offered to try Zyprexa. We agreed to give it two weeks and see if we notice any improvement. If not, she told Zack we will try the Clozapine.
I think I had the nerve to face up to the nasty woman at the desk this morning because something special happened to me yesterday. My friend informed me the Worldvision Group was praying for us yesterday during the day...and I really felt those prayers. I have always believed in the power of prayer...but I actually never felt that power like I did yesterday. I had some extraordinary things happen to me yesterday, also. The day was sprinkled with little signs reminding me that I have blessings in my life...things and people that I need to recognize and hold close when I am filled with hopelessness. I have wonderful caring and supportive friends... and yesterday that fact came to the fore. Today, I am feeling stronger, happier, and more capable...better than I have in months.
After all the magical and mysterious goodness the day brought...another notable thing happened to me. Jojo and I were getting in the car to head to soccer practice. We were still in the garage when I happened to see a text from my friend informing me that practice was called off...rescheduled for today. Well, we were in the car...I was expecting my caffeine fix... so I said to Jojo I still want to run to McDonalds and get a Diet Coke. She said she was hungry and she'd go with me. We checked with Lucy and Zack and decided just to make it a McDs dinner night.
As we pulled into the McDonald's parking lot I saw a kid walking around outside by himself. He reminded me of Zack. He wasn't dressed appropriately... it was warm out...the kid was dressed in a heavy plaid jacket and had an ear warmer band on. He watched us as we drove by. It made me uncomfortable.
We placed our order in the drive-thru and pulled up to pay. Jojo owed me some money so she gave me a $20 bill to cover dinner...and after paying, I threw the change in with my toll money. Jojo always has a special order....a Quarter Pounder with only ketchup...so we were asked to please pull forward....and we waited and chatted. Then suddenly that kid was at my open window. He shocked me when he asked, "Miss, I'm wondering if you have any money I can have to buy a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk from the Shell Station?" My heart sank...I didn't have any money.. just the silver change from the $20....I was caught off guard and filled with stunned awareness that this kid was desperate. I told him the truth... I had nothing. I saw his disappointment. He politely said, "Thank you anyway"...and he went inside McDonalds.
I felt sick to my stomach as he walked away...It felt horrible to turn him away. I kept my eye on him and watched as he approached a man who was sitting and eating. The kid spoke to the man...the guy reached for his wallet...then put it back. He had no cash either. Jojo and I were both dismayed to see the kid fail in this attempt... I was really hoping I'd see the kid have success...to ease my guilt and panic for his hunger dilema. Suddenly our food was at my window and I lost track of where the kid was.
I handed the bags of burgers to Jojo...and suddenly it occurred to me..."I can go to the bank" - my bank is just down the road from McDonalds.....we stayed put for a few minutes and waited for the kid to come out...but he didn't.... so we circled the parking lot and it turned out to be a very lucky thing that Jojo was with me - Miss Eagle Eyes spotted him! Apparently he had exited from the other side of the building... he was just about to cross a busy road. I quickly drove up as near to him as I could and yelled, "HEY!".... I was surprised that he heard me above the traffic noise. He turned toward my car and I yelled, "I want to help you!" He came over to the car...I said, "I'm worried about you....what happened?" And he shared some of his story.....It broke my heart.
I told him I was going to go to the bank and I'd meet him back in the McDonald's parking lot. I said, "I have a 21 year old... and God help him"....because that's all I could think of at that moment.....God please help Zack if he ever becomes homeless... and in need.....Please let somebody take pity on my kid and give him a few bucks....We flew over to the bank, got the cash, but had to take a right and U-turn to get back to McDonalds. The whole time we were driving in the opposite direction, I was praying the kid didn't see us go the wrong way and think we abandoned him.
We made it back to the McD's parking lot and I handed him the cash. I was embarrassed at how profusely he thanked me. He also assured me the money wouldn't be used for anything but food. I brushed off his thanks and told him no problem. I looked in his eyes and wished him good luck and drove away.
We felt good... relieved that we were able to help him.....and I felt awful...that this kid was in such a bad way. My heart was sore. Later when I was in my lovely cozy home, with my beautiful kids...and I was comfy and warm... I replayed the ordeal in my head... and cried for that poor kid...and for my kid.
I'm not sharing that story to try and make myself look like some goody goody that wants a pat on the back. My reason for telling about it is that if you see somebody that bad off..so low in life, that they are walking parking lots asking strangers for help, please give it. My greatest fear...and it makes me cry now with my heart full of worry, is that some day my own son will be homeless....cold, hungry, and alone. He'll probably look like a straggly ragged bum to strangers....and they won't know he was my precious son. And we loved him. That poor kid is somebody's son...probably loved...and if not, then all the more tragic.
I know sometimes homeless people are judged....and viewed as lazy and unwanted...I've heard the comments..... but that's not usually the case. Statistics show that 25% of the homeless population in America suffer from severe mental illness. Some statistics report that mental illlness is the third largest cause of homelessness. Remember...There but for the grace of God......
To Be Continued....
How blessed I am
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