We were out all day on Sunday for a huge high school band competition Lucy's marching band participated in. The day started off with a parade, then a carnival, and a field competition. My husband, Jojo, and I went to the festival to cheer Lucy on and enjoy the day. We still always ask Zack to join us, but he prefers to be at home in the comfort of his room. We ask, though...one day he'll come with us.
After the parade, we grabbed a bite to eat...and Jojo decided she'd like to go home...she was cranky from the moment she woke up and she couldn't shake it. I have a secret worry about leaving her home alone with Zack. I don't know why - other than because he's psychotic and unpredictable. Jojo isn't afraid of him, though...everybody always says what a nice polite kid he is..even now....but I am still hesitant to have her stay home alone with him. She insisted...and it was going to be a long late night, so my husband and I took her home. It was better for Penny to have somebody there to care for her, anyway. Zack ignores her barks. He wound up being home alone all day, though, in his room, quiet and lonely... and that concerns me, too. He probably didn't even realize Jojo was there with him. His long day home alone got me thinking ...and hesitating again about our planned Thanksgiving getaway. We'd be gone five nights....
I brought that up to Alaina....that we are going away for Thanksgiving...I was all prepared with my defense of the decision, too. I never had to use it. She understood our need to escape for a bit. She was concerned, at the same time. Then on the other hand she said we have a month...maybe the medication will work.... or maybe we'll have Zack in a group home by then....I don't really have faith in either of those maybes... I am having second thoughts about the trip. I feel stuck. I can't back out of this trip..the girls are looking forward to a Disney do-over..and I've pulled the rug out from under them several times before by backing out because of Zack. I can't disappoint Lucy and Jojo again. I'm struggling... part of me really wants to call it off...I cannot make myself pay for the room...and it's due. The worry won't allow me to commit.
This is week one of the "taper" weeks. Zack will only go to his TAPS group four days this week. Tomorrow he's home....all day....sitting in his room..or smoking in his car. Why they feel the need to do this tapering.....? It probably wouldn't make any difference to Zack at all if they just suddenly told him he's free and doesn't have to return, but this is how they want to finish it...they stuck it out for him all this time, so I'm going to play it by their rules.
I started filling out the Pioneer Center group home and day group application over the weekend. I plan to complete it today and call them to request an appointment. I'd like to get as much as possible in place so when Zack's time at "Family Services" comes to a close we have something else lined up ---Still trying to think of this whole process as a "step"....not the end. Not the destination...just part of the journey. I want better for him. Whether he knows it or not, he deserves more out of life.
I keep working on me and my life, too. I have had some terrific days this past week...and some down days...but I am climbing my way up this hill...without opening that Happiness book...I'm still on page three....but one important message I got out of those three pages - figure out what makes you feel happy. I made a promise to myself to escape daily and walk Penny. Fall is my favorite time of year and the weather here has been wonderful. I remember reading a while back that people that find enjoyment in nature are more mentally healthy... so when I walk, I make a conscious effort to soak up the gorgeous fall colors, the gnarled twisty old trees reaching up to the blue skies, fluffy flowing mums...and the silliness of Penny. Maybe Penny was the dog I needed... I admit I was disappointed she wasn't another perfect lovable angel like my Tatum was....but Penny makes me laugh...and I have had desperate need of laughs over the past couple of years. Kind of ironic how Penny was born the night of Zack's first suicide attempt... God gives you what you need...not necessarily what you want.
To Be Continued....
My big fluffy funny cuddly teddy bear girl - another blessing in my life
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