I had some bad sleep last night. I woke about 315 am to the sound of wheezy snoring. At first I thought it was my big cuddly Penny....she always gets blamed for snoring - and any other mystery noise or commotion in the house. Poor Penny...but usually she is the guilty one. I could see the dark shadow of her fluffy self lying sprawled on the floor next to my side of the bed... I whispered her name...she rolled over as I hoped she would and sighed at the same time I heard that odd snoring again. It wasn't Penny. Next thought was my husband.....but the sound was coming from the other direction. Couldn't accuse him.
I decided to just close my mind off to it and get back to sleep. Not ten minutes later, and me almost dreaming, the noise woke my husband. Big surprise. Nothing usually rouses that guy. No baby crying....no child vomiting.... no fire in the house...not tornado sirens.....He could sleep through any commotion....usually....except it seems he has a lower tolerance for any disturbance Zack causes.
He asked me if I hear that....yeah I do. He asked if it was Penny.....poor Penny....she is a convenient one to blame apparently. He, unlike me, couldn't just shut the sound out and fall back to sleep. He got up to investigate. The noise led him to Zack's door. As he opened it I could hear the snoring much louder....very deep and then wheezy. I listened as my husband attempted to wake Zack or at least get him to flip over or something. No success. I actually felt panicky as I heard him go from whispering, "Zack" to semi shouting, "Zack...wake up".....there was no rousing him. Zack was breathing steadily.... so I took some comfort in that. My husband gave up. I heard him close Zack's bedroom door and walk back into our room. He said to me as I feigned sleep...trying to calm myself, "That kid is not well".....Yeah, unfortunately I am aware of that.
I asked my husband, what does he mean by saying that. He used a nasty tone of voice... aggravated, and it set me off. I told him he sounds "cruel". He said Zack was lying there all bent and twisted...he didn't understand how Zack could be comfortable in the strange position. And he said he couldn't get him to wake up. I didn't appreciate hearing any of that, but I explained to him it's the meds.
I am trying so hard to accept the way my husband deals with Zack and his illness...trying so hard to be a good wife and have the happy home life and marriage we used to have....but it's times like this, when his frustration shows itself, that I see my husband in a different light. He has always been so kind to me..forever treated me like a princess....but Zack....these situations through the years have tainted my view of my husband. The history of their animosity goes way back. We had Zack when we were very young. My husband did not want a baby at that time, and was resentful about Zack making an appearance. I carry that knowledge with me. That information and select memories cloud my view of my husband's interactions with my son. If Zack had been welcomed by him with joy twenty one years ago, I believe I'd look at their current relationship so much differently....but I know the sad secret and that ruins it for me. All these years and I'm ashamed to admit I am still resentful of my husband. Twenty one years did not heal that wound...it mutilated it. I realize everybody handles things in their own way. Obviously I am far from perfect. But Zack is our kid....Twenty two years ago, I was overjoyed with the news of a baby.... and I wanted him....his illness isn't his fault.
Left in the dark, contemplating the wheezy snoring, bent up sleeping position, my husband's attitude....and having growing anxiety about going away for five nights knowing Zack sleeps like the dead, kept me awake....while my husband snoozed. Lying there, I made up my mind to call the mental health board.
I did it. I called.... and wound up leaving a message. I don't even remember what I said because I was nervous..I was shaking when I hung up.....probably that desperation peeking out...maybe they will hear it in my voice and it will matter to them. I spoke with Abby again yesterday. The doctor is out of the office today so Zack will go to TAPS next week Tuesday and Thursday and see Dr. M one of those days....then that's it. He will be directionless and on his own.....as will I.
I have errands to run today but I am sticking close to the phone...praying for a return call before the day is out, and a sympathetic ear. I need somebody with understanding along with the power to help. Abby and Gary both grasp the bind I'm in with Zack, but neither of them have ideas for me. I let Abby know the reasons I had not already placed the call and she helped me out with what to say. "I have exhausted all of my resources."
To Be Continued....
Zack 2003...my happy bouncy guy
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