Friday September 30

Today was just another busy day...running kids around all afternoon and lots of Disney work in the morning and in between the kid running.  I was actually so busy I forgot about the SSI paperwork.  Not even on purpose.....I am going to have to suck it up and force myself to deal with it this weekend.   I know it's the truth of what I am going to have to put down on that paperwork that is holding me back.  The truth is so depressing and pathetic....and getting my thoughts on the disease's devastating effects on my son organized and written down....that's going to be a very unpleasant chore.

Zack is managing to stick to his one shower a day....He has not asked since earlier in the week to take any extras.  He did ask me for $4.00 for some cigars.... how that price fluctuates from .50 cents to .60 cents... all the way up to $4.00 is perplexing....but I'm not going to concern myself.   No cigars for Zack.  We have to restrict his smoking to half a pack of cigarettes a day.  I am always amazed when I drop him off and pick him up at "Family Services" the number of people standing out front puffing away....smoking and mental illness must go hand in hand.  Something about the nicotine and dopamine.....

Today I was still really stuck on the whole Pioneer Center day group thing idea.....and what to tell Zack.  And how he is going to accept the crummy news.  It's so odd...he is psychotic..and not here with us most of the time...but some of the time he is....enough that he will know what this Pioneer Center workshop will mean for him.... his college dream will be out for now....because at this point, that's all college is for him.  A dream.   We won't make any move toward this change from TAPS group until at least next week after I see Dr. M and Alaina.  

The scary thing, too...is I felt last night...when I told my husband the Pioneer Center news...that he was almost happy.....maybe that's too strong a word..... but I saw something spark in his eyes.  Even though he did appear saddened by the news that "Family Services" thought Zack was so bad off he needs services they cannot provide, there was relief there...and I felt that old resentment creep back into me.

Yes, I do have hope for a group home for my son....the four of us cannot keep living our lives around a mentally ill adult....but my most desperate wish is for some medical miracle...finding the magic potion that can fix this illness and bring my son back to me...the magical fairytale ending.  But I think my husband is done.  Zack and my husband have had years of clashing, fighting, physical fights... unbonding.   He wants his freedom back more than he wants his son back...I know that.  I am willing to wait - give the medication time to work it's magic....He isn't as patient.  He'd leap at the first opportunity to show Zack the door....that's why I never did tell him about the hospital direct to group home option.

The house is quiet.  Lucy is spending the night at a friend's house...Jojo is playing in her room..I can hear her singing along to her itunes.  Zack is outside in the cold dark enjoying peace, sitting in his car parked in the driveway.  Now that the days are getting chilly and the evenings worse, I wonder what he is going to do when winter is here. Will he still be out sitting in a freezing car for hours a day?  For the rest of us, tonight is the eve of a busy weekend of soccer, band competitions, and closing the pool.  I must remember to say, "Rabbit rabbit" and give my luck a boost in October... I am wishing and hoping for that extra bit of magic in a pill form.  Maybe magic will materialize in the new month.

To Be Continued.....

 The Magic Kingdom - Where the magic lives....