I went to see Zack today. I'm always uncomfortable with these visits...the mental hospitals kind of creep me out. And I always feel like I'm being scrutinized while I'm there for whatever I say or do... ha. I sound paranoid...but it's true. They watch you during visiting. You're almost on display and you're usually guarded.
This hospital wasn't as bad as others though. I've visited him in four so far - he's been in this one twice but the first time, in June, I did not visit. He's been in three private hospitals and also one time a state facility - before he had insurance.
I was so afraid of that state hospital. I had nightmares about what that one was like...I googled my days away searching for information, descriptions...experiences..anything to calm my nerves about where they took my son...I had no rights..no choice or say...he was over 18, he was psychotic, and he was uninsured. I made phone calls...nobody could tell me anything. It's all kept so hush hush. That state mental hospital is the one he spent five weeks in last November to December when he had his first psychotic break...where he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He had been there a couple weeks before I was permitted to visit him. The wait was excruciating.
When you enter the state mental hospital, you have to take everything out of your pockets, take off anything that isn't necessary clothing, and leave it all with your purses, wallets, keys, cell phones..etc in a locker. You go through a metal detector and/or get the wand. Then they escort you through several electronically locked doors to a little visiting room where you are monitored for an allotted amount of time - and they only allow so many visitors in the room at one time. You have to get there early in the day. It's like a prison....not that I've ever been in a prison...but the security in a state mental facility is what I imagine it is for visiting inmates at a prison. The state hospital was H. Douglas Singer Mental Health Center in Rockford. Intimidating as all that security was....The employees were wonderful. Everybody was helpful and kind...from the guards to the nurses. I'll definitely give them a shout out for that. They deserve it.
Today I just walked into the sunny lobby of the "Specialty Hospital" (which wasn't always a specialty hospital...it was a community hospital when I was a kid growing up in that town and I candy striped there) with my big American Eagle shopping bag full of goodies and spoke to a nice older lady sitting behind the desk. I told her my son is on the 4th floor (a small humiliation) and I brought him some things. I also let her know that I was told to call up when I arrived....maybe I could visit Zack for a few minutes. Visiting hours during the week are only 7 to 830pm...so I was grateful the nurses were kind and stretched the rules and let me come up. No security checks...just had to get on a particular elevator that only stops on the 4th floor.
Early this morning I called to speak to the doctor or nurses...anybody...and make sure he was on the right course with his medication because when I finally got to talk to somebody yesterday (after the releases were signed), he wasn't. Some mystery doctor had called in Zyprexa and Ativan. Zack has never taken Zyprexa...it was the convenient anti psychotic to dose him with, I guess. And then they gave him Ativan for his anxiety and to knock him out. I was miffed that they'd just automatically give him any medications without even bothering to check with anybody regarding what he's already taking. I let the guy know I was thinking what the hell?....the guy was sarcastic, too. But I was in the right so I gave it back to him....he woke Zack up, got him to sign releases so that the morning doctor could speak with Dr M.
LUCKILY....and I mean this is such fantastic news... the jerky arrogant doctor that was in charge in June is on vacation! This morning I wound up speaking to a really nice woman doctor, Dr T, that even had concern and caring in her voice. My mind was eased after speaking to her. One of the first things she asked me, though, was how I felt about a group home..and if Zack was welcome back here or if I wanted him to be discharged into a group home....gosh that kid is really panicking about the group home thing..he even told her he was worried he was headed there. I almost cried. I told her I want him to get well and live with us. It's the truth...my deepest magical wish is for him to be well....and welcome in our home.
I informed Dr T of the medication modifications Dr. M had suggested..(because nobody showed anybody the signed release from the night prior...and nobody made calls to Dr M for info)..the additional 5 mg Saphris...and then adding the Lexapro. Dr T is going to do it. The difference is she is adding the 5 mg in the morning (like Dr K recommended) and then the Lexapro in the evening as it may cause drowsiness. I have hope that this next week in the hospital may be beneficial to Zack. I am praying for it. Dr T also bent the rules and wrote out an order so Zack can have his ipod - that's a hospital first - and she allowed me to bring him some candy he likes. When I told her his only real enjoyment is candy...she said "awww...." like she actually cared and understood.....
Right off the direct to fourth floor elevator was the nurses station. I was approached quickly by a woman that works on discharging patients. She introduced herself and told me that Zack signed a "five day"...which means he will be released in five business days...so we are looking at next Thursday. She also gathered information from me about his history. Then she went down the hallway to his room to see if he was there or in a group. He was in his room of course...and she walked him down to the nurses station to me. I hugged him. It was the first hug since last winter. I always feel so rotten when they take him away in the ambulance....against his will. I had such guilt yesterday. I hugged him for me....awkward...stranger or not, I needed to hug my kid. I also hugged him before I left. I think we both needed those hugs. I'm going to try and make a point of showing him more affection. I want him to realize how much I care...and how sorry I am..
The nurses kept my purse behind the counter, and while I greeted Zack they searched through the bag of items I brought in for him before allowing him to have any of it. They cut the drawstring out of the PJ pants....took the socks and underwear out of the plastic packages....cut tags and elastic off the new slippers...yes I found and bought new slippers for him...another benefit of him being in the hospital. And he liked his new slippers and put them on immediately. I need to remember to purchase an extra pair. I helped him carry everything down to his room.
The room....spare. That's the only word to describe it. Like a hospital room only more empty and bland. I was never allowed to see his room at the state mental hospital. Here there were two beds... very plain low beds covered in thin blankets, a pillow resting on each...a nightstand between them.... two simple pink vinyl covered chairs....another higher rolling table and a wardrobe cabinet...with no shelves, hangers, rods...nothing. He dropped his pile of clothes at the bottom. There are no outlets...the windows had special coverings.... there is no TV..no phone....just four walls, two beds, and some odds and ends. No room mate.
Zack had three bottles of Sierra Mist on his nightstand table...all three already open and in different states of empty. The nurse had let him choose three boxes of candy to take to his room...he put them on his nightstand with the soda and opened one right away. The candy was what he was most excited about. I knew he would be..I'm so glad I asked if I could bring him some. He thought his ipod was broken...it only needed a charge. I got it half charged at home on his computer and I was relieved I was able to find a wall charger, too...so I brought that. He kept asking to use his ipod but the nurses would only give it to him when group was over. They want him to attend the groups....no reward of an ipod for not participating. Understandable.
Something I did not know... I had asked if I could bring him cigarettes....they actually give the smokers a nicotine patch instead. At the state hospital the patients had to purchase cigarettes and they are taken out into a courtyard for supervised smoke breaks.
It really was a decent visit. We walked up and down the hallway a few times....then we went to his room...sat in the plasticky pink chairs and chatted about how's life going stuff. He said "One day down"....and really wanted reassurance that he'd be discharged NEXT Thursday....not some distant Thursday weeks from now. He asked about everybody at home. I asked him how he spends his time... what he ate so far. I am worried about the no eating situation....He told me he slept through breakfast but he had mac & cheese for lunch. I asked if it was edible..he said "better than last time with the bugs in it"....Wow. I can't believe he even remembers. His comment kind of scared me.... I cautiously asked what he meant...and yes, he remembers the horrible bug hallucinations he had in June...but I think he still believes they were real bugs...So today he was happy they served non-buggy mac & cheese.
We talked a bit more...I had to work at conversation....but he answered my nonsense questions all the same.... soon he wanted to check and see if it was time for him to have his ipod. We walked back to the nurse's station. Not quite yet....group was still in progress....I tried to convince him to maybe try a group tomorrow....the day will pass faster.... he seemed to consider it....but I'll be surprised if he does join in. I stayed with him about 30 minutes. It was a satisfying visit - he seemed more clear headed today..and I don't understand why. The additional 5 mg Saphris couldn't have kicked in that fast....but I was happy the visit went the way it did. I never know how I'll find him. That's another reason I hate these trips to the hospital. But today...when I left I felt sadness only because I was reminded of what a sweet and polite kid he is - every interaction he had with everybody there showed it - And how badly I want him well....and home...back to himself.
Before heading to the hospital, I stopped at Target to buy what I wanted for Zack. I was browsing the books and magazine section to see if I could find something that may capture his interest and help pass the time...I had a few things in my hand... then set them back. Not worth it. I was using some magical wishful thinking and fooling myself about him concentrating enough to enjoy reading.....but I did wind up buying myself a new book. "The Happiness Project".... It caught my eye and I felt like that particular book was sitting on that exact shelf waiting there just for me. Time to work on finding my lost happiness. I miss it and need it back.
Yesterday afternoon, after seeing Zack taken away, was so dreary, desolate and gray..... I even pulled a Zack and took a long hot shower in the middle of the day... I was so cold and just couldn't get warm....that's the reason Zack gave Dr M for why he constantly takes his two hour long showers. He is cold. I moped around....and I felt restless and directionless..and still cold. The house didn't feel calm. Even though Zack is just a silent shadow presence...that presence was missed here. How strange is that? The house felt even emptier without him. What a quandary......
This afternoon I was extremely busy with Disney....that kept me from being directionless at least. What a weird irony...mental hospital morning... magical Disney afternoon. When I had the opportunity I walked Penny...my partner in escape and quest for peace. I've loved the Moody Blues forever.. and their "Isn't Life Strange" came on my ipod first thing......
Wished I could be in your eyes
Looking back there you were, and here we are.
Looking back there you were, and here we are.
So sentimental.....and so true.
To Be Continued......
To throw it away.....To lose just a day.....The quicksand of time
You know it makes me want to cry
You know it makes me want to cry
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