I hear the shower running....which means he must have already smoked his half pack of cigarettes so he's enjoying his other vice. He's not going to be happy in the shower for long. The dishwasher is running and I'm doing a load of laundry. Washing a ton of bath towels.....and there's a whole pile more lying on his closet floor.
When he got in the car after group, there were some quarters on the floor of the passenger side from earlier when I bought a Diet Coke and put the change on the seat - it fell onto the floor. Zack got in, spotted the money, and slowly reached down for it. I thought how pathetic he looked....like a homeless beggar, picking up scraps. So pitiful. He has no money of his own and it always makes me cringe when he asks for fifty cents for a cigar. I hate seeing my son in this position of having to ask for a pittance..or grab it up off the floor. I casually asked, "What are you doing?" and he answered..."Oh, is this your money? I thought it was mine."....how could he even think it was his?.....he has no money...we have to keep him that way. Broke. That was a weird answer...but then again......
While I watched him bend down and scrape up my change, I said a cheery, "How was your day?" and he actually replied with a bit of personality in his voice that it was fine and asked how mine was. I asked him if he kept his head up off the table today, and he said he did...but he couldn't tell me anything they did in group. "Nothing" is what they did for five hours.
I was in a talkative mood today and not so easily going to let myself be brushed off. The personality in his voice egged me on to try and involve him in a little conversation. Zack didn't eat breakfast...and he did not pack a lunch or allow me to make him something to bring to group, so I asked him if he ate anything today. He said he did.... "they had food there". I asked what he ate... (knowing they normally have no food there, but maybe it was a special day..?.) After some prodding and sharing what I ate today, he told me he had cookies. I told him I thought that sounded like a yummy lunch. I was jealous...what kind of cookies? He barked something unintelligible at me in frustration... I guess my curious cookie questions were becoming too nosy..... .too personal for his comfort. But then, to pacify me, he told me he ate chocolate chip cookies...in a get off my back tone of voice. Conversation over. Sure he ate chocolate chip cookies. Something is wrong that he won't eat. Glad we are seeing Dr M tomorrow morning.
Zack refuses to take the recommended additional 5 mg dose of Saphris in the morning. He said it will make him too tired. Another reason I'm happy we have the psychiatrist appointment lined up. He needs to be compliant with his meds.
The case worker manager lady called me back. She didn't sound tired, cranky or overworked. Relief...and a little bit of magic in my day. I really need some guidance with this whole scary situation we're heading into. I have an appointment to meet with her next Thursday afternoon by myself without Zack. Good thing Zack signed a release a while back or I'd have no right to speak with anybody on his behalf without him there...even though he's psychotic he would be in charge of himself because he's over 18. What a system we have in this country for the mentally ill. And not only that...they'd stick me with the bill. I'd have no say in anything regarding my son's care except the payment. We found that little twisted bit of irony out the first time he attempted suicide and refused to sign a release...then he refused to take his antidepressants. He was released from the hospital and attempted suicide again a few weeks later. And wound up in a different hospital. My appointment with Alaina is only a half hour long, but maybe I'll at least be able to learn what exactly she can help me with. I know for starters I need to get the custodian/guardian...whatever it is...paperwork filled out so we can make legal decisions for Zack. Including hospitalizing him against his will if necessary.
Well... I am feeling less grief today because I'm looking toward tomorrow with some hope. I really did like Dr M and I feel some confidence that maybe a new direction is what we need. I hope I'm not putting too much faith in another stranger....but I don't have much choice.
To Be Continued......
Keeping hope in my heart....
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