I had expectations... every parent does. Nothing huge either.... I learned fairly quickly that the most important thing - forget fantastic grades...success in sports...or popularity - THE most important thing was having a happy, healthy kid. Today I don't.
While Zack was in his group I ran to Target and bought him a birthday card, itunes card and some candy I know he likes. Just little somethings for him to enjoy... maybe he'll have a bit of fun with the itunes card. I picked him up at 230... but I was early.. wound up parked facing the "Family Services" building, directly across from the main entrance. At 230 I watched Zack slowly meander out alone....he appeared depressed. Zack spotted my car right away, but he walked so sluggishly...he is never in a hurry...there's no reason to rush when life continues on in an apathetic monotonous way each day and there's nothing to look forward to. Even though it should be special, today is no different for him. I don't even know if he realizes and cares that today is supposed to be special...but he did look sad. He looked hazy and foggy....that's probably how he sees the world, too. Very un alive. Inanimate..or dulled up. I asked how the group was... and got a fast "OK"... Thankfully Zack always stares straight ahead on the ride home...he probably didn't notice me wiping a few stray tears....I am so heartbroken for him. For what today should have been for him.
Zack came home...had a slice of his birthday pie....showered... and has spent the past hours silently in his room. I bet he smoked the whole pack of cigarettes during the five hours he was in group...or he would be in his car smoking now. He's waiting anxiously for the cigars I'm sure.
A twenty-first birthday....what should be such an exciting day...based on my expectations....Today should be a celebration day filled with fun and friends..instead it's solemn...lonely....empty. As if my 21 year old Zack doesn't exist with us.... he almost doesn't...but I so wish he did. I am blessed with the gorgeous weather today.... out here I can find solace and escape...and secretly rid myself of this bitterness and my expectations. I spent quite a while sitting here...eyes closed....savoring the sunshine....concentrating on the wind...the calm rhythms and spontaneous rustles...struggling in my effort to find some peace and calm. Some elusive acceptance, once again, so I can settle this unease in my head.
Schizophrenia...still such a scary foreign word .......
| Main Entry: | mental illness |
| Part of Speech: | noun |
| Definition: | emotional disorder |
| Synonyms: | craziness, delusions, depression, derangement, disturbed mind, emotional disorder, emotional instability, insanity, loss of mind, lunacy, madness, maladjustment, mania, mental disease, mental disorder, mental sickness, nervous breakdown, nervous disorder, neurosis, neurotic disorder, paranoia, personality disorder, phobia, psychopathy, psychosis, schizophrenia , sick mind, troubled mind, unbalanced mind, unsoundness of mind |
Derangement.... disturbed mind...lunacy...all very creepy synonyms for this terrible disease .....For my son.
Until it took Zack down I wasn't even aware that teens were susceptible to this nightmare. It was just a weird word for some mysterious disease I never even considered..or expected....It was some frightening thing that happened to other people...families rampant with mental illness, abuse, or poverty. I don't know where I got that idea..... it was just such an irrelevant word. It didn't belong in our world here... our close happy family. It still doesn't.
I don't even know where I'm going with this entry....just a recurrence of my sorrow....grief... and understanding that expectations can really throw you off life's course. Or..life can throw your expectations off course? Both are probably accurate statements.....I guess I need to learn to expect less...then I'll be more grateful for what life delivers.
To Be Continued......
Back when life was a party for Zack
No comments:
Post a Comment