This morning my goofball Penny woke me up with a body slam through my closed bedroom door. I don't know what happened...how she got blocked out of my room last night, but I chose to keep my door closed because the night before Zack woke me up several times with his trips to the bathroom....he was having night time restlessness again. I suppose I should feel flattered that Penny loves me so much she will break through a closed door to be with me. My naughty furry friend.
Today it doesn't seem like Zack is doing so super. I have been really busy with Lucy's Homecoming fun and dance so I haven't really been able to spend enough time around him to know for sure, but the fact that he still prefers to sit in his car and talk to "somebody" (nobody) in the passenger seat, versus being in the house talking to us, leads me to believe the Saphris isn't working. Medication resistant...that was a new phrase Alaina threw out at me on Thursday afternoon. It's a frightening possibility.
It's been a fun weekend for all of us here - except Zack. He's back to the constant showering, smoking, eating everything he can - where that kid puts it I cannot figure out, and isolating himself either in his room or car. That's it....that's his life....and it's tough to watch. The rest of us had a soccer game, homecoming parade, dance to help Lucy get ready for, errands to run and chores to do. Last week, at the time....due to the overwhelming amount of guilt... I wasn't able to realize and appreciate how wonderful the short reprieve I had was. Now I do. Yesterday I took the coldest shower I have ever had to take - I might has well have been outside in the 50 degree temps using the hose. I told my husband it's time....we are cutting him back to one shower a day. The enabling cannot continue. We cannot keep living our lives around a mentally ill person's quirks. We were sucked into that routine....and it's over. Enabling is an ugly word....I'm getting fed up with the ugliness in my life.
It's time for some fun. Or...an attempt at fun. I have been thinking....Walt Disney World over Thanksgiving. Trying to stoke myself up for it and the possibility of going away.... and leaving Zack behind. Our annual family Disney trip in July was a disaster. We were so dysfunctional....everybody was on their own mental and personal page...managing their own crap and stress alone....but all of us worried about Zack back home....with good cause. July was a waste of a family vacation. We have never encountered anything like that before....in the past, we were always able to use Disney World as a departure from reality....leave our troubles behind and pretend for a short time that life is perfect and magical. Not in July......
July was a huge slap in the face disappointment.....the happy place didn't fill us with any magic. That failed effort for escape left our family torn apart, all of us dealing with Zack's disease on our own, wondering if we could carry on together or have to go our separate ways to handle life. I guess we relied too much on that escape and over all avoidance....and when we were forced to become aware of where our reality was - the circumstances at home and separate directions we were heading.... it was a disturbing wake up....but apparently we needed that sneaky blessing in disguise. We recognized things were a mess...and repair was necessary.
Thanksgiving.....away. I've been watching the flights....they've gone up in price.....I cannot commit. As much as I want to go and try a "do over" with my husband and daughters.....enjoy a little fun getaway now that we are a bit "repaired".....the thought of experiencing that letdown in Disney World again....the magic failing us and bringing us no release from our reality.....and then the knowledge that we will all be worried sick about Zack the whole time....it's all holding me back from the possibility of making new, happy family memories. We all need some fun.....I am desperate for some new happy memories. But the thought of Walt Disney World actually brings me anxiety. Part of living my life around a mentally ill person. I feel stuck.
We need to do something special together as a family, though. This disease is effecting all of us....individually and our relationships with each other. It's an insidious quiet burden we all feel and carry. We want to do right by Zack, but we need to take care of ourselves. It's a dilema. Who gets sacrificed....
To Be Continued.....
My beautiful Disney buddies need some fun
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