We had a whirlwind busy weekend. It started off with an early soccer game on Saturday. Jojo's team played hard - it was a great game - but they lost. My husband couldn't come with because he had to drive Lucy to the high school for a band competition which we went to see in the afternoon. They did fantastic! We asked Lucy to try and get a ride with a friend, but she forgot the night before...and it was too early Saturday morning and nobody was awake before we had to leave for Jojo's soccer game. So he wound up running Lucy over to school while I watched Jojo's game....while Zack did who knows what. I can guess though... showered or smoked.. Both are getting out of hand....even my husband can't stop him...Zack does both before we're aware he's doing them. Cold showers for us..and the house smells like smoke because he is so coated with it. We cannot baby sit him constantly.
Saturdays and Sundays are brutal. At least we were really busy with the girls and their activities. We were out of the house and away from the load of guilt sitting upstairs in his room alone. He did ask to go "boating"..... very odd request that was denied....
Sunday I took Lucy and Jojo shopping for a homecoming dress for Lucy. That outing at the mall was a lot of good girl time fun. I enjoy being with Lucy and Jojo. My husband was working at home. When we got back from our pleasant day out shopping, he told me he discovered Zack is now "burning" himself. Unreal. I have never heard of this....I am pretty stunned by this news. I asked Zack why? He said he feels he "needs to". Very calmly...he actually looked at me and told me that he needs to burn himself. I felt disgust....and fear..and even anger. He has some holes on his arms....and not sure where else. I honestly was on a temporary happy high from spending time away, out with the girls..an escape...this burning problem threw me. I didn't even want to know more details. We are going to see Dr. K today.... the dirt will come out in that office appointment. My stomach is turning now. I just don't know......there is so much that I am lost about.
I'm going to try and tell Dr. K that we will be switching to see Dr. M. I hate doing that....telling people I'm leaving them....giving up their service. He's been with us since January....but still no success so maybe it is time for a change. I just don't want him to feel like a loser. That sounds ridiculous, but he's tried very hard for us, and I feel almost like a quitter leaving, too. But we have to....for financial and convenience factors....and just a change of opinion. Maybe we need somebody looking at this mess from a fresh point of view. I'm going to have to be strong and just say it.... we will be switching doctors after this visit.
Also yesterday...right before I found out about the self mutilating burning.... I was unloading our purchases. Zack caught me and asked if he could have some money to go out....he was having a "bad day" and needed to leave. He wanted to go for coffee. I told him no way...he lost his freedoms. I cannot give him money. He pleaded....I got aggravated and told him NO YOU CANNOT BE TRUSTED...you're a drug abuser.... he continued... he swore he wouldn't do drugs... he was depressed... having a bad day..... I asked why... he didn't know....then my husband walked in...Zack continued his bargaining and begging with him. My husband gave him the final NO. Zack kept saying.. "Are you sure? Are you sure? Is that your last word on it?" It was awful...degrading to have to deny him. I hate having to keep him captive. He should be working part time... in school full time...out on weekends with friends..enjoying life...but instead he's home alone..at our mercy... bored and restless....begging for cash and to leave for a bit for coffee. So pathetic. Yeah...my stomach is turning now thinking about the situation.
I need to get ready to bring him to his group...which he is giving me grief about attending today. I cannot have him home all day again. Going to deal with this issue....
To Be Continued....
My darling girls...such blessings in my life
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