Abby called me today.
It's difficult for me to even type out what she said....I put the discussion out of my mind for the past several hours so I could function through my day. I really didn't even allow the words to enter me. I had a shield...my guard was up. The conversation took place on my numbed up protected surface, where I let myself hear her...I understood her words... I responded...and I agreed....but I didn't allow myself to fully comprehend the meaning and the repercussions. I didn't absorb her words and her recommendations until after dinner - a dinner where Zack sat and ate with us...while obviously not "with" us - when my husband and I had some time alone to talk....and I told him what she said. That's when it hit me....when I had to assimilate Abby's words enough to be able to share them with him. Then seeing his reaction...the reality slapped me...and the heavy heart emerged.
Abby told me the TAPS group just is not for Zack. He's not benefiting....and he obviously does not want to be there..he's been there for quite some time.....his symptoms seem "worse" since he's been in the hospital...he cannot focus....they (at "Family Services") are brainstorming other options for him. I confessed that I was very grateful for that. I am. I asked her about the scheduled substance abuse evaluation and she thought that group wouldn't even be appropriate at this time due to his continued psychotic symptoms. He is not capable of staying in reality long enough....or he prefers his own world. Either way, he's not with us.
Something Abby suggested was a day group - where Zack would do "piece work" and "actually earn a few dollars". The day group is through Pioneer Center. She told me this is something Alaina would hook me up with.... so I left a message for Alaina. Alaina kindly returned my call and we set up another appointment next Thursday morning to talk about this option.
Here's my guilt...and my sorrow.....Zack still says he wants to go to college.. get a job.... live at home...I want all of that for my son - SUCCESS is what I want for him.....trouble is, these simple goals aren't resembling anything at all that is near a possibility for him at this point.... The waste. That's what I am dealing with now. Guilt and sorrow and acknowledging the serious reality of what a God awful sickening pathetic shameful waste his life is going to be...such a crappy lonely existence. This kid that was so precious to me for seventeen years....the intelligent kid with the sharp wit and fantastic, fun sense of humor...attacked by this ugly disease....my son's life will now be reduced to futzing with "piece work" daily for "a few dollars"....and living a dreary dull life in either a group home or nursing home type setting. That's another place Abby suggested....Alden Terrace...which is almost a nursing home...because he is that bad off. It's all beyond sad....
I gathered my magical hidden back pocket hope...and tried my best to have optimism in my voice when I told Abby I still have faith that the Saphris may kick in....we aren't at the correct dose quiet yet...there is time. I need to hang onto that belief, but even so, at this time I'm struggling to convince myself that something will work a miracle for my kid. I confided that Dr M has another dirty little drug up her sleeve... a last resort... final ditch try for medication resistant patients... She said "Oh, really!?!?" like she may have been a little excited to hear there is some other chemical to try....but then she went right into asking me if I was working on the SSI paperwork and I admitted I was having a difficult time facing up to it....Alaina does believe Zack will get it - that it will go through on the first submission because he is so ill... Abby prompted me to try and complete the forms....and then do something nice for myself. She was aware of what I was feeling during our phone conversation...beaten....I could tell she was sorry for it.
The words have sunk into me..... now they hurt. Hearing them hours ago, even through my armor, was painful, but I pushed them away...I didn't let their significance in. Now I feel the grief making a comeback. Fresh and new...
To Be Continued....
I have so many magical memories of these three little characters.....
Tonight I'm wishing on a star for a miracle...just a little more magic.....
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