Zack wouldn't eat breakfast....nor would he pack anything for a lunch or snack. He didn't even want a can of soda....he brought a bottle of water with. Really...something is not right about that. It's out of his abnormal norm. He was so restless he asked if we could leave at 905 versus the 920 we usually leave the house. I held out for about 5 more minutes and we left at 910.... we arrived, checked in, and we sat and waited only a few minutes. Zack wouldn't sit next to me. That's his norm.
We went into Dr M's office...she is "Family Services" chief psychiatrist... or chief executive psychiatrist... I saw an important looking plaque with a big title next to her door. Her office is a nice sunny corner office with leather chairs. We made ourselves comfortable....not next to each other...because that's how Zack is comfortable...apart. Another lady came in with a steno pad. I later discovered she was the "Linda" that Abby and Courtney put up to making the discharge (kick) Zack out of TAPS group phone call. She was there taking notes and answering any questions Dr M had about Zack in the group. She seemed like a very nice lady and she and Zack seemed to have a rapport.
I really do like Dr. M. I am happy with our choice of her. We're on the right path now...I feel it. I think she really knows her pharmaceuticals and her mentally ill patients. She is kind and sincere when she directs questions at Zack, and she responds to my questions respectfully.
Well.... she started off asking Zack how things are going....he always says "fine"....but they're not. She got him to open up a little more and then involved me in the conversation, too. She has a goal of getting Zack up to 20mg Saphris in one dose in the evenings. Then she said he should be on that for six weeks - that's the optimal dose and time where we'd see if there is any real benefit to the Saphris....but she also thought that if we didn't see improvement in two weeks we may not in six. Next step Clozaril. She has hopes for dramatic changes on that nasty but magic med. She said she's seen that magic pill work where nothing else has.....that fits the bill for us. I'm ready. I wish we could dump the Saphris and get going on that Clozaril now.
We talked about Zack's gloomy hopeless mood of late....and his non existent appetite. He stated several times that he was concerened about the group home. Out of the blue... he would bring that darn group home subject up. He is obsessing on it. He doesn't want to go to a group home. He has done his own research and doesn't like what he read. He is very tense about that idea. He wanted immediate reassurance that he was not headed for a group home. The doctor and I both told him that it is not in the imminent future...we want him to get better and live at home. I really do...that would be my happy fairy tale pixie dusted ending... Zack better and with us. He told her he wants to get a job and go to college... he always says that. I wonder does he really? Or is that what he knows we want to hear? I am thrilled he says that, though... maybe down deep he is clinging to some hope for his future.
After hearing about Zack's sad mood, talking about the excessive showering, and seeing his anxiety over the group home, Dr M suggested an antidepressant. She wants to add Lexapro in the morning. But then...on to the burning. She asked Zack about it...why he did it... he said he felt he needed to...to relieve some stress and anxiety. But then, on his own he acknowledged that it's not a good coping skill and he promised he won't do it again. There was a discussion about hurting himself....possibly burning the house down.... other consequences of this dangerous practice. She told me he really needs constant supervision right now. Then she looked at me and asked if I had considered hospitalization until he's stabilized...Zack was upset about this possibility being thrown out there... but I let her know my husband was surprised that Zack wasn't admitted after his appointment with Dr K...and that we almost do want him hospitalized for his safety...and ours. She nodded her head in agreement. She wasn't feeling confident that Zack wouldn't harm himself again under her watch. So that was it... the process started. Paperwork....certificates.,,..phone calls...
Two hours later, an ambulance came, took Zack out a secret side door, and directly to where they had a bed for him on the fourth floor of the "Specialty Hospital"...and that is exactly what they call it. "The Specialty Hospital". I know because I phoned over there to ask to speak to somebody about my son....and I was told, "Sorry...he hasn't signed a release yet".....He signed releases so he could talk to us and we could visit, but they did not offer him a release so that his parents could speak to staff about his condition or care. I was advised they don't do that right away....it's not part of their intake procedure. They wait until a social worker can evaluate the patient and recognize the patient's support system. I told her...WE ARE HIS SUPPORT SYSTEM....so get somebody to offer him that release. Geeze. Who do they think pays the insurance and the co pays? So, sounds like their standard practice is to give psychotic patients the option to go it alone, be responsible for themselves.... or have parents, family, friends involved - if they understand what they're signing.... great. I told her he probably doesn't even realize what he did and did not sign. She said they'd try and speed things up and to call back in a few hours.....
Zack is in the same hospital he was in last June when he tried to electrocute himself.....the one that really let him down. At least this time all they need to do for him is add that Lexapro and get him stable..so he can be safe. The crummiest thing though, is now that he's admitted, Dr M has no say over his care. The arrogant doctor in charge of the fourth floor plays God. The all knowing doctor...that we just received a big bill from...that did not have time to speak to us or Dr K in June and released Zack before he was ready...and then Zack dropped out of the rehab group and hit the substance abuse again hard. That fourth floor doctor does what he wants and doesn't bother to check into a patient's history or current medications. The doctor gets his info from the mentally ill patient. That doctor actually told Zack his substance abuse problem wasn't bad enough to need help....because he listened to, and believed, what Zack told him. What a joke. We had a horrid experience with the "Specialty Hospital" in June. Hopefully Zack will be out in a week or so and feeling better. Dr. M said it would be a "brief stay".
I am emotionally drained today. I should feel OK about the situation...Zack is where he needs to be. My anxiety is gone...replaced now by sorrow and guilt. I understand he's getting the supervision and additional medication he desperately needs...but it's all just so sad. It kills me a little bit each time I have to put him in a hospital against his will. Chips away at me....I don't know how or why. Can't figure it out to explain....but it is wearying. All I did was sit...wait...listen to the noisiest clock I've ever heard in a quiet little room.....and then it was done. And I feel wiped. It wasn't as surreal as checking into an emergency room. "Family Services" did all the preliminaries for me. Made it easy...but it was still terribly tough.
To Be Continued......
I feel like I need a little TLC from my big teddy bear
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